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THE 



GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, 



A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT IN ALL 
HIS RELATIONS TOWARDS SOCIETY. 



RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IX THE STREET, AT 
TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORN- 
ING CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE COR- 
RESPONDENCE, DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLY 
EXERCISES, AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. 



FROM THE BEST FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES, 



AND 



MANUAL OF POLITENESS; 



BEING 



CONTAINING 



BY 



CECIL E^SARTLEY. 




PHILADELPHIA : 
G. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER, 



No. 439 CHESTNUT STREET. 
1860. 



J5 J/2S5 

. ri 3 



Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by 

G . G. EVANS, 

in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of 
Pennsylvania. 




INTRODUCTION. 



Man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart 
from others of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will f\ 
each agree with me, that man was born for sociability and finds , c tf' 
his true delight in society. Society is a word capable of many 
meanings, and used here in each and all of them. Society, 
par excellence; the world at large; the little clique to which he 
is bound by early ties ; the companionship of friends or relatives ; 
even society tete a tete with one dear sympathizing soul, are 
pleasant states for a man to be in. 

Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world ; 
but in the light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller 
world of the changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town 
in which our reader may chance to abide. 

This society, composed, as it is, of .many varying natures 

and elements, where each individual must submit to merge his 

own identity into the universal whole, which makes the word 

and state, is divided and subdivided into various cliques, and 

has a pastime for every disposition, grave or gay ; and with each 

division rises up a new set of forms and ceremonies to be ob- 

3 



4 



INTRODUCTION. 



served if you wish to glide down the current of polite life, 
smoothly and pleasantly. 

The young man who makes his first entrance into the world 
of society, should know how to choose his friends, and next 
how to conduct himself towards them. Experience is, of 
course, the best guide, but at first starting this must come sec- 
ond hand, from an older friend, or from books. 

A judicious friend is the best guide ; but how is the young 
man to know whom to choose ? When at home this friend is 
easily selected ; but in this country, where each bird leaves the 
parent nest as soon as his wings will bear him safely up, there 
are but few who stay amongst the friends at home. 

Next then comes the instruction from books. 

True a book will not fully supply the place either of experi- 
ence or friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, care- 
fully written from the experience of heads grown gray in 
society, with only well authenticated rules, it will be a guide 
not to be despised by the young aspirant for favor in polite and 
refined circles. 

You go into society from mixed motives ; partly for pleasure, 
recreation after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly 
j that you may become known. . In a republican country where 
one man's opportunities for rising are as good as those of an- 
other, ambition will lead every rising man into society. 

You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, 
so the world will treat you. Carry into the circles of society 
a refined, polished manner, and an amiable desire to please, 
and it will meet you with smiling grace, and lead you forward 
pleasantly along the flowery paths ; go, on the contraiy, with a 
brusque, rude manner, startling all the silky softness before you 



INTRODUCTION. 



5 



with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only the hard realities 
of life in your hand, and you will find society armed to meet 
you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your 
blundering footsteps to stumble against. 

You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway ; 
her rule is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily 
set aside. Your first lesson in society will be to study where 
she reigns supreme, in her crown and holding her sceptre, and 
where she only glides in with a gentle hint or so, and timidly 
steps out if rebuked ; and let your conduct be governed by the 
result of your observations. You will soon become familiar 
with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a room 
whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be ap- 
propriate, or whether it is " hail, fellow, well met" with the 
inmates. Remember, however, "once a gentleman always a 
gentleman," and be sure that you can so carry out the rule, 
that in your most careless, joyous moments, when freest from 
the restraints of etiquette, you can still be recognizable as a 
gentleman by every act, word, or look. 

Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not po- i 
liteness, and, while you observe every rule, you may appear to 
heed none. To make your politeness part of yourself, insepar- 
able from every action, is the height of gentlemanly elegance 
and finish of manner. 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 



Introduction 3 

CHAPTER I. 

Conversation.. 11 

CHAPTER II. 

Politeness 31 

CHAPTER III. 

Table Etiquette. \ 50 

CHAPTER IV. 

Etiquette in the Street 06 

CHAPTER V. 

* 

Etiquette for Calling 75 



7 



8 CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER VI. 

PAGE 

Etiquette for the Ball room 91 

CHAPTER VII. 

Dress 116 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Manly Exercises 154 

CHAPTER IX. 

Traveling 176 

CHAPTER X. 

Etiquette in Church 183 

CHAPTER XL 

One Hundred Hints for Gentlemanly Deportment 186 

CHAPTER XII. 

Parties 222 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Courtesy at Home 228 

CHAPTER XIV. 

True Courtesy , 244 

CHAPTER XV. 

Letter Writing 252 



CONTENTS. 9 
CHAPTER XVI. 

PAGB 

Wedding Etiquette 280 

CHAPTER XVIL 
Etiquette for Places of Amusement 294 

CHAPTER XVIII. 
Miscellaneous 298 



GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 



CHAPTER I. 

CONVERSATION. 

One of the first rules for a guide in polite conversa- 
tion, is to avoid political or religious discussions in 
general society. Such discussions lead almost invariably 
to irritating differences of opinion, often to open quar- 
rels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been 
avoided by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as 
marked differences of opinion arose. It is but one out 
of many that can discuss either political or religious dif- 
ferences, with candor and judgment, and yet so far 
control his language and temper as to avoid either giving 
or taking offence. 

In their place, in circles which have met for such dis- 
cussions, in a tete d tete conversation, in a small party 
of gentlemen where each is ready courteously to listen 
to the others, politics may be discussed with perfect pro- 
priety, but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or 
in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided. 

If you are drawn into such a discussion without in- 
tending to be so, be careful that your individual opinion 

11 



12 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



does not lead you into language and actions unbecoming 
a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose opin- 
ions do not agree with yours, and keep your temper. A 
man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman. 

Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, 
yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dextrously 
turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend 
your own opinion until you become angry, or more ex- 
cited than is becoming to a gentleman. 

Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an 
opinion but as a law, will defend their position by such 
phrases, as : " Well, if I were president, or governor, I 
would," &c. — and while by the warmth of their argu- 
ment they prove that they are utterly unable to govern 
their own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you 
that they are perfectly competent to take charge of the 
government of the nation. 

Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do 
not parade it upon all occasions, and, above all, do not 
endeavor to force others to agree with you. Listen 
calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and if you 
cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent 
may set you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged 
to admit that you are a gentleman. 

Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients 
in the conversation of a man in polite society, yet a 
straining for effect, or forced wit, is in excessively bad 
taste. There is no one more insupportable in society 
than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, witticisms, 
and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as 
tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at 



CONVERSATION. 



13 



their own wit drowns other voices which might speak 
matter more interesting. The really witty man does 
not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately ; his charm 
consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and 
easily, and making each highly polished witticism come 
in the right place and moment to be effectual. While 
real wit is a most delightful gift, and its use a most 
charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright 
weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound 
where you meant only to amuse, and remarks which you 
mean only in for general applications, may be construed 
into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use it 
wisely, and not too freely. 

The most important requisite for a good conversational 
power is education, and, by this is meant, not merely the 
matter you may store in your memory from observation 
or books, though this is of vast importance, but it also 
includes the developing of the mental powers, and, above 
all, the comprehension. ' An English writer says, "A 
man should be able, in order to enter into conversation, 
to catch rapidly the meaning of anything that is ad- 
vanced ; for instance, though you know nothing of sci- 
ence, you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, 
when a man who does understand it is explaining a new 
discovery or a new theory ; though you have not read a 
word of Blackstone, your comprehensive powers should 
be sufficiently acute to enable you to take in the state- 
ment that may be made of a recent cause ; though you 
may not have read some particular book, you should be 
capable of appreciating the criticism which you hear of 
it. Without such power — simple enough, and easily at- 



14 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

tained by attention and practice, yet too seldom met 
with in general society — a conversation which departs 
from the most ordinary topics cannot be maintained 
without the risk of lapsing into a lecture ; with such 
power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, 
and you have no remorse at an evening's end at having 
wasted three or four hours in profitless banter, or sim- 
pering platitudes. This facility of comprehension often 
startles us in some women, whose education we know to 
have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If they 
did not rapidly receive your ideas, they could not, there- 
fore, be fit companions for intellectual men, and it is, 
perhaps, their consciousness of a deficiency which leads 
them to pay the more attention to what you say. It is 
this which makes married women so much more agreeable 
to men of thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, 
for they are accustomed to the society of a husband, and 
the effort to be a companion to his mind has engrafted 
the habit of attention and ready reply." 

The same author says : " No less important is the 
cultivation of taste. If it is tiresome and deadening to 
be with people who cannot understand, and will not even 
appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is 
almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, 
and immovable by any horror. 

" In the present day an acquaintance with art, even 
if you have no love for it, is a sine qud non of good 
society. Music and painting are subjects which will be 
discussed in every direction around you. It is only in 
bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and 
art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say 



CONVERSATION. 



15 



they have been there ; and if you confessed to such a 
weakness in really good society, you would be justly 
voted a puppy. For this, too, some book knowledge is 
indispensable. You should at least know the names of 
the more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculp- 
tors, and so forth, and should be able to approximate 
their several schools. 

" So too, you should know pretty accurately the pro- 
nunciation of celebrated names, or, if not, take care 
not to use them. It will never do to be ignorant of the 
names and approximate ages of great composers, espe- 
cially in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated 
and so common a theme. It will be decidedly con- 
demnatory if you talk of the new opera 6 Don Giovanni,' 
or Rossini's 'Trovatore,' or are ignorant who composed 
'Fidelio,' and in what opera occur such common pieces 
as 6 Ciascun lo dice,' or 'II segreto. 9 I do not say that 
these trifles are indispensable, and when a man has 
better knowledge to offer, especially with genius or 
' cleverness' to back it, he will not only be pardoned for 
an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, 
and profess indifference or contempt of ' them. But, at 
the same time, such ignorance stamps an ordinary man, 
and hinders conversation. On the other hand the best 
society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the 
knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not 
display it so as to make the ignorance of others painful 
to them. But this applies to every topic. To have only 
one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse 
rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the 
theme be literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey 



16 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



will probably denounce the former as a 6 bore/ and call 
us pedants for dwelling on it; but if, as is too often the 
case, he can give us nothing more general than the dis- 
cussion of the 6 points' of a horse that, perhaps, we 
have never seen, he is as great a pedant in his way. 

" Reason plays a less conspicuous part in good society 
because its frequenters are too reasonable to be mere 
reasoners. A disputation is always dangerous to temper, 
and tedious to those who cannot feel as eager as the dis- 
putants ; a discussion, on the other hand, in which 
every body has a chance of stating amicably and unob- 
trusively his or her opinion, must be of frequent occur- 
rence. But to cultivate the reason, besides its high 
moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply 
as well as attend to the opinions of others. Nothing is 
more tedious or disheartening than a perpetual, 'Yes, 
just so,' and nothing more. Conversation must never 
be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us to 
support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked why 
we think so. To reply, ' I don't know, but still I think 
so,' is silly and tedious. 

" But there is a part of our education so important 
and so neglected in our schools and colleges, that it can- 
not be too highly impressed on the young man who pro- 
poses to enter society. I mean that which we learn first 
of all things, yet often have not learned fully when death 
eases us of the necessity — the art of speaking our own 
language. What can Greek and Latin, French and 
German be for us in our every- day life, if we have not 
acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a 
laugh at Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar, 



CONVERSATION. 



17 



but we may be certain that more misunderstandings, 
and, therefore, more difficulties arise between men in the 
commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical pre- 
cision than from any other cause. It was once the 
fashion to neglect grammar, as it now is with certain 
people to write illegibly, and, in the days of Goethe, a 
man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly. 

" Precision and accuracy must begin in the very out- 
set ; and if we neglect them in grammar, we shall 
scarcely acquire them in expressing our thoughts. But 
since there is no society without interchange of thought, 
and since the best society is that in which the best 
thoughts are interchanged in the best and most compre- 
hensible manner, it follows that a proper mode of ex- 
pressing ourselves is indispensable in good society. 

" The art of expressing one's thoughts neatly and 
suitably is one which, in the neglect of rhetoric as a 
study, we must practice for ourselves. The commonest 
thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, 
than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well 
expressed is easily seized, and therefore readily responded 
to ; the most poetic fancy may be lost to the hearer, if 
the language which conveys it is obscure. Speech is the 
gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes 
society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his 
high privilege as a human being, who neglects to culti- 
vate, 6 God's great gift of speech.' 

"As I am not writing for men of genius, but for 

ordinary beings, I am right to state that an indispensable 

part of education is a knowledge of the literature 

of the English language, But how to read, is, for 
2 



18 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



society more important than what we read. The 
man who takes up nothing but a newspaper, but reads 
it to think, to deduct conclusions from its premises, and 
form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for society 
than he, who having all the current literature and devot- 
ing his whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without 
digestion. In fact, the mind must be treated like the 
body, and however great its appetite, ifc will soon fall 
into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. At 
the same time an acquaintance with the best current 
literature is necessary to modern society, and it is not 
sufficient to have read a book without being able to pass 
a judgment upon it. Conversation on literature is im- 
possible, when your respondent can only say, 6 Yes, I 
like the book, but I really don't know why.' 

"An acquaintance with old English literature is not 
perhaps indispensable, but it gives a man great advan- 
tage in all kinds of society, and in some he is at a con- 
stant loss without it. The same may be said of foreign 
literature, w T hich in the present day is almost as much 
discussed as our own ; but, on the other hand, an ac- 
quaintance with home and foreign politics, with current 
history, and subjects of passing interest, is absolutely 
necessary ; and a person of sufficient intelligence to join 
in good society, cannot dispense with his daily news- 
paper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews 
and magazines. The cheapness of every kind of litera- 
ture, the facilities of our well stored circulating libraries, 
our public reading rooms, and numerous excellent lec- 
tures on every possible subject, leave no excuse to poor 
or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in 



CONVERSATION. 



19 



intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, 
French, German, and Mathematics, but if you frequent 
good company, you will never be allowed to forget that 
you are a citizen of the world." 

A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is 
generally modest. He may feel when in every day 
society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above 
those around him ; but he will not seek to make his com- 
panions feel their inferiority, nor try to display this 
advantage over them. He will discuss with frank sim- 
plicity the topics started by others, and endeavor to 
avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to dis- 
cuss. All that he says w T ill be marked by politeness 
and deference to the feelings and opinions of others. 

La Bruyere says, " The great charm of conversation 
consists less in the display of one's own wit and intelli- 
gence, than in the power to draw forth the resources of 
others ; he who leaves you after a long conversation, 
pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the 
discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not 
care to admire you, they wish you to be pleased with 
them ; they do not seek for instruction or even amuse- 
ment from your discourse, but they do wish you to be 
made acquainted with their talents and powers of con- 
versation ; and the true man of genius will delicately 
make all who come in contact with him, feel the exquis- 
ite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to 
advantage." 

Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, 
you will also see that it is as great an accomplishment 



20 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



to listen with an air of interest and attention, as it is to 
speak well. 

To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a 
good talker, and it is in the character of listener that 
you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed 
to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any 
one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness 
or inattention in the person whom he addresses. 

Never interrupt any one who is speaking ; it is quite 
as rude to officiously supply a name or date about which 
another hesitates, unless you are asked to do so. Ano- 
ther gross breach of etiquette, is to anticipate the point 
of a story which another person is reciting, or to take it 
from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some 
persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, 
that the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad man- 
ner, but this does not mend the matter. It is surely 
rude to give a man to understand that you do not con- 
sider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has 
commenced. 

It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a 
long speech from another person, and quite as rude to 
look at a watch, read a letter, flirt the leaves of a book, 
or in any other action show that you are tired of the 
speaker or his subject. 

In a general conversation, never speak when another 
person is speaking, and never try by raising your own 
voice to drown that of another. Never assume an air 
of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner ; let 
your conversation be always amiable and frank, free 
from every affectation. 



CONVERSATION. 21 

Put yourself on the same level as the person to "whom 
you speak, and under penalty of being considered a 
pedantic idiot, refraining from explaining any expression 
or word that you may use. 

Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of 
your own business or profession in society ; to confine 
your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which 
is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar. 

Make the subject for conversation suit the company 
in which you are placed. Joyous, light conversation 
will be at times as much out of place, as a sermon would 
be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be grave 
or gay as suits the time or place. 

In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, with- 
draw from them. You will surely make one enemy, 
perhaps two, by taking either side, in an argument when 
the speakers have lost their temper. 

Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless 
you wish to be mistaken for a fifth rate comedian. 

Never ask any one who is conversing with you to re- 
peat his words. Nothing is ruder than to say, " Pardon 
me, will you repeat that sentence — I did not hear you 
at first," and thus imply that your attention was wander- 
ing when he first spoke. 

Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to 
concentrate the attention wholly upon yourself. It is 
quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a 
group, and endeavor to draw him out of the circle of 
general conversation to talk with you alone. 

Never listen to the conversation of two persons who 
have thus withdrawn from a group. If they are so near 



22 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



you that you cannot avoid hearing them, you may, with 
perfect propriety, change your seat. 

Make your own share in conversation as modest and 
brief as is consistent with the subject under considera- 
tion, and avoid long speeches and tedious stories. If, 
however, another, particularly an old man, tells a long 
story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully 
until he has finished, before you speak again. 

Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find 
out your virtues without forcing you to tell them, and 
you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to 
expose your faults yourself. 

If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the 
imputation of folly and self-conceit. 

In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, 
one with another. Speak of the merits of each one, but 
do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting 
them with the vices of another. 

No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be 
told in your presence, you must never give any sign of 
incredulity. They may be true ; and even if false, good 
breeding forces you to hear them with polite attention, 
and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign 
any token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narra- 
tor, and that is an unpardonable insult. 

Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure 
the absent. A gentleman will never calumniate or 
listen to calumny. 

Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth 
with an oath. Above all, to swear in a drawing-room 
or before ladies is not only indelicate and vulgar in the 



CONVERSATION. 



23 



extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance of the rules 
of polite society and good breeding. 

For a long time the world has adopted a certain form 
of speech which is used in good society, and which 
changing often, is yet one of the distinctive marks of a 
gentleman. A word or even a phrase which has been 
used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by 
a sudden freak of fashion, from being caricatured in a 
farce or song, or from some other cause, go entirely out 
of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse with people 
of refinement and education, and mingling in general 
society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and 
what to avoid. Yet there are some words which are now 
entirely out of place in a parlor. 

Avoid a declamatory style ; some men, before speak- 
ing, will wave their hands as if commanding silence, and, 
having succeeded in obtaining the attention of the com- 
pany, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly suitable 
for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place 
in a parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of 
society, for they resent interruption, and, as their talk 
flows in a constant stream, no one else can speak without 
interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to 
engross the entire attention of the circle around him. 

This character will be met with constantly, and gener- 
ally joins to the other disagreeable traits an egotism as 
tiresome as it is ill-bred. 

The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when 
he endeavors to engross entirely the attention of the 
company in which he should take a more modest part. 

Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. 



24 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



They sometimes make a very piquant addition to con- 
versation, but when they become a constant habit, they 
are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste. 

Avoid pedantry ; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but 
stupidity. 

Speak your own language correctly ; at the same time 
do not be too great a stickler for formal correctness of 
phrases. 

Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. 
To notice by word or look such errors in those around 
you, is excessively ill-bred. 

Vulgar language and slang, though in common, un- 
fortunately too common use, are unbecoming in any 
one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of the 
words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive 
their origin from sources which a gentleman would 
hesitate to mention before ladies, yet he will make daily 
use of the offensive word or phrase. 

If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the 
use of technical terms. They are in bad taste, because 
many will not understand them. If, however, you un- 
consciously use such a term or phrase, do not then com- 
mit the still greater error of explaining its meaning. 
No one will thank you for thus implying their ignorance. 

In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect 
English, listen with strict attention, yet do not supply a 
word, or phrase, if he hesitates. Above all, do not by a 
word or gesture show impatience if he makes pauses or 
blunders. If you understand his language, say so when 
you first speak to him ; this is not making a display of 
your own knowledge, but is a kindness, as a foreigner 



CONVERSATION. 



25 



will be pleased to hear and speak his own language when 
in a strange country. 

Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, 
for you will soon become known as the "funny" man of the 
party, and no character is so perilous to your dignity as 
a gentleman. You lay yourself open to both censure 
and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person 
who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for 
one who admires you, two will watch your antics with 
secret contempt. 

Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connec- 
tions, or the luxuries at your command is in very bad 
taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of your intimacy 
with distinguished people. If their names occur natur- 
ally in the course of conversation, it is very well ; but to 

be constantly quoting, "my friend, Gov. C ," or 

"my intimate friend, the president," is pompous and in 
bad taste. 

While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by 
1 stiff manners, or cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to 
check the innocent mirth of others. It is in excessively 
bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation 
when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. 
Join in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for 
the time, and you will win more popularity than if you 
chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gayety to 
grave discussions. 

When thrown into the society of literary people, do 
not question them about their works. To speak in 
terms of admiration of any work to the author is in bad 
taste ; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation from 



26 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove 
that you have read and appreciated them. 

It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in 
general conversation, to make quotations in a foreign 
language. 

To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is 
tmgentlemanly, and, if addressed to a lady, they become 
positively insulting. 

If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, 
either turn to another subject or keep silence. You 
may utter, in the heat of passion, words which you would 
never use in a calmer moment, and which you would bit- 
terly repent when they were once said. 

u Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was 
hanged" is a vulgar but popular proverb. Avoid care- 
fully subjects which may be construed into personalities, 
and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, 
if you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend's closet, 
but if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it as 
a sacred confidence, and never betray your knowledge to 
a third party. 

If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to 
improve your mind in such travel, do not be constantly 
speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tire- 
some than a man who commences every phrase with, 
" When I was in Paris," or, " In Italy I saw - — -." 

When asking questions about persons who are not 
known to you, in a drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; 
or you may enquire of a mother, " Who is that awkward, 
ugly girl?" and be answered, " Sir, that is my daugh- 
ter." 



CONVERSATION. 



27 



Avoid gossip ; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man 
it is utterly despicable. 

Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general 
society. Nobody will thank you for it. 

Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a 
vulgar mind and low breeding. 

Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible 
in conversation, but flattery is broad, coarse, and to 
sensible people, disgusting. If you flatter your superiors, 
they will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish 
end ; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking 
you have no other conversation. 

A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you 
converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than 
if you address to her only the language of compliment. 
In the latter case she will conclude that you consider 
her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you 
cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered 
merely a silly, vain person, who must be flattered into 
good humor. 

Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expres- 
sions and remarks in common conversation. 

It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would 
shrink from the imputation of a falsehood that they are- 
in the daily habit of uttering untruths ; and yet, if I 
proceed, no other course than this can be taken by me. 
It is of no use to adopt half measures ; plain speaking 
saves a deal of trouble. 

The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated 
expressions, are only a few of the many that are con- 
stantly in use. Whether you can acquit yourselves of 



28 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot tell ; 
but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether 
guiltless. 

" I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came 
down in torrents." Most of us have been out in heavy 
rains ; but a torrent of water pouring down from the 
skies would a little surprise us, after all. 

" I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread 
upon me." Where these expressions are once used cor- 
rectly, they are used twenty times in opposition to the 
truth. 

"I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran 
like lightning. " The celebrated racehorse Eclipse is 
said to have run a mile in a minute, but poor Eclipse is 
left sadly behind by this expression. 

" He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I 
thought I should have waited for ever." There is not 
a particle of probability that such a thought could have 
been for one moment entertained. 

" As I came across the common, the wind was as 
keen as a razor." This is certainly a very keen remark, 
but the worst of it is that its keenness far exceeds its 
correctness. 

"I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; 
for the place was crowded to suffocation." In this case, 
in justice to the veracity of the relater, it is necessary to 
suppose that successful means had been used for his 
recovery. 

" It must have been a fine sight ; I would have given 
the world to have seen it." Fond as most of us are of 
sight-seeing, this would be buying pleasure at a dear 



CONVERSATION. 



29 



price indeed ; but it is an easy thing to proffer to part 
with that which we do not possess. 

" It made me quite low T spirited ; my heart felt as 
heavy as lead." We most of us know what a heavy 
heart is ; but lead is by no means the most correct meta- 
phor to use in speaking of a heavy heart. 

" I could hardly find my way, for the night was as 
dark as pitch." I am afraid we have all in our turn 
calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch., is many 
shades darker than the darkest night we have ever 
known. 

" I have told him of that fault fifty times over." Five 
times would, in all probability, be much nearer the fact 
than fifty. 

"I never closed my eyes all night long." If this be 
true, you acted unwisely ; for had you closed your eyes, 
you might, perhaps, have fallen asleep, and enjoyed the 
blessing of refreshing slumber ; if it be not true, you 
acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which 
is altogether untrue. 

"He is as tall as a church-spire." I have met with 
some tall fellows in my time, though the spire of a 
church is somewhat taller than the tallest of them. 

" You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jack- 
ass, for five shillings." I certainly have my doubts 
about this matter ; but if it be really true, the market 
people must be jackasses indeed to sell such large fishes 
for so little money. 

" He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door." 
Most likely the difficulty here alluded to was never felt 
by any one but the relater ; supposing it to be other- 

• 



30 



gentlemen's book op etiquette. 



wise, the man must have been very broad or the door 
very narrow. 

" You don't say so ! — why, it was enough to kill him !" 
The fact that it did not kill him is a sufficient reply to 
this unfounded observation ; but no remark can be too 
absurd for an unbridled tongue. 

Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave 
much unsaid on the subject of exaggerated expressions. 
We are hearing continually the comparisons, " black as 
soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, sharp as a 
needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as 
lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree,' ' in 
cases where such expressions are quite out of order. 

The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated 
and thoughtless way, is more mischievous than we are 
aware of. It certainly leads us to sacrifice truth ; to 
misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe ; to 
whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken 
the reputation of a neighbor. There is an uprightness 
in speech as well as in action, that we ought to strive 
hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and the 
standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observa- 
tions. Let us reflect upon this matter freely and faith- 
fully. Let us love truth, follow truth, and practice truth 
in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds. 



POLITENESS. 



31 



CHAPTER II. 

POLITENESS. 

Real politeness is the outward expression of the most 
generous impulses of the heart. It enforces unselfish- 
ness, benevolence, kindness, and the golden rule, " Do 
unto others as you would others should do unto you." 
Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving 
, him as yourself. 

When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult 
to decide how to treat those who are personally disa- 
greeable to us, if it were not for the rules of politeness, 
and the little formalities and points of etiquette which 
these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding 
do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bit- 
ter enemy with perfect courtesy, and yet make no pro- 
testations of friendship. 

If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell i 
us, it is a mask which will win love and admiration, and 1 
is better worn than cast aside. If you wear it with the 
sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and make all 
the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreea- 
bly, it will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find 
that the manner which you at first put on to give plea- 
sure, has become natural to you, and wherever you have 



32 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the vir- 
tue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of 
yourself. 

Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. 
They are just as often vehicles for the expression of 
sincere feeling, as they are the mask to conceal a want 
of it. 

You will in society meet with men who rail against 
politeness, and call it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch 
these men when they have an object to gain, or are de- 
sirous of making a favorable impression, and see them 
tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, 
by dropping for the time, their uncouth ways, to affect 
the politeness, they oftentimes do not feel. 

Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, 
at the proper time reserved, yet at other times frank, 
and treat others with the same gentle courtesy you 
would wish extended to yourself. 

True politeness never embarrasses any one, because 
its first object is to put all at their ease, while it leaves 
to all perfect freedom of action. You must meet rude- 
ness from others by perfect politeness and polish of 
manner on your own part, and you will thus shame 
those who have been uncivil to you. You will more 
readily make them blush by your courtesy, than if you 
met their rudeness by ill manners on your own part. 

While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly 
courteous manner of granting it, a refusal will lose half 
its bitterness if your manner shows polite regret at your 
inability to oblige him who asks the favor at your hand. 

Politeness may be extended to the lowest and mean- 



POLITENESS. 



33 



est, and you will never by thus extending it detract 
from your own dignity. A gentleman may and will 
treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and 
his boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve per- 
fectly his own position. To really merit the name of a 
polite, finished gentleman, you must be polite at all times 
and under all circumstances. 

There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. 
Real politeness is in-born, and may exist in the savage, 
while etiquette is the outward expression of politeness 
reduced to the rules current in good society. 

A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in 
every movement an ignorance of the rules of etiquette, 
and offend against the laws of society. You may find 
him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his chair 
in a parlor. Tou may see him commit every hour gross 
breaches of etiquette, yet you will never hear him inten- 
tionally utter one word to wound another, you will see 
that he habitually endeavors to make others comfortable, 
choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest 
dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to 
the pleasure of all around him. Such a man will learn, 
by contact with refined society, that his ignorance of the 
rules which govern it, make him, at times, disagreeable, 
and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him 
to make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he 
will watch and learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he 
offends against good breeding, drop one by one his errors 
in etiquette, and become truly a gentleman. 

On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the 

best society, men whose polish of manner is exquisite, 
3 



34 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



who will perform to the minutest point the niceties of 
good breeding, who never commit the least act that is 
forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette ; yet under 
all this mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will 
carry a cold, selfish heart; will, with a sweet smile, 
graceful bow, and elegant language, wound deeply the 
feelings of others, and while passing in society for mod- 
els of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as 
cruel and barbarous as the veriest savage. 

So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish 
there the Christian graces, love for the neighbor, un- 
selfishness, charity, and gentleness, and you will be truly 
a gentleman ; add to these the graceful forms of eti- 
quette, and you then become & perfect gentleman. 

Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, 
from the savages in the wilds of Africa, who dare not, 
upon penalty of death, approach their barbarous rulers 
without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most refined 
circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated 
mind suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and 
the stringency of its laws in some countries has given 
rise to both ludicrous and tragic incidents. 

In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often 
happens that pride will blind those who make the rules, 
and the results are often fatal. Believing that the same 
deference which their rank authorized them to demand, 
was also due to them as individuals, the result of such 
an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was 
absurd. 

For an example I will give an anecdote : 

" The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all 



POLITENESS. 



35 



kings of the earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as 
it was useless. It was a fault punishable by death to 
touch the foot of the queen, and the individual who thus 
offended, no matter under what circumstances, was exe- 
cuted immediately. 

A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, 
was riding on horseback in the midst of her attendants, 
Suddenly the horse reared and threw the queen from the 
saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and she was 
dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood 
looking at this spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, 
to attempt to rescue the poor woman. She would have 
died, had not two young French officers, ignorant of the 
stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung for- 
ward and saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst 
he held the bridle, his companion disengaged from its 
painful position the foot of the young queen, who was, 
by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which 
she had already received. They w T ere instantly arrested, 
and while the queen was carried on a litter to the palace, 
her young champions were marched off, accompanied by 
a strong guard, to prison. The next day, sick and fee- 
ble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her 
knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two 
Frenchmen ; and her prayer was only granted upon con- 
dition that the audacious foreigners left Spain immedi- 
ately.. 

There is no country in the world where the absurdities 
of etiquette are carried to so great a length as in Spain, 
because there is no nation where the nobility are so 



86 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



proud. The following anecdote, which illustrates this, 
would seem incredible were it not a historical fact: 

" Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being 
able to sit up, was carefully placed in an arm chair which 
stood opposite to a large fire, when the wood was piled 
up to an enormous height. The heat soon became in- 
tolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king ; 
but, as the Duke D'Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, 
was not present, and as no one else had the right to 
touch the fire, those present dared not attempt to diminish 
the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, and 
he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool. 
The poor king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those 
around him to move his chair, no one dared touch it, and 
when the grand chamberlain arrived, the king had fainted 
with the heat, and a few days later he died, literally 
roasted to death." 

At almost all times, and in almost all places, good 
breeding may be shown ; and we think a good service 
will be done by pointing out a few plain and simple in- 
stances in which it stands opposed to habits and manners, 
which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very 
uncommon. 

In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred man 
will be known by the delicacy and deference with which 
he behaves towards females. That man would deservedly 
be looked upon as very deficient in proper respect and 
% feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one 
of the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards 
her. Woman looks, and properly looks, for protection 
to man. ifcis the province of the husband to shield the 



POLITENESS. 37 

wife from injury ; of the father to protect the daughter; 
the brother has the same duty to perform towards the 
sister ; and, in general, every man should, in this sense, 
be the champion and the lover of every woman. Not 
only should he be ready to protect, but desirous to please, 
and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal ease 
and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of 
any female in whose company he may find himself. Put- 
ting these principles into practice, a well-bred man, in 
his own house, will be kind and respectful in his be- 
haviour to every female of the family. He will not use 
towards them harsh language, even if called upon to ex- 
press dissatisfaction with their conduct. In conversation, 
he will abstain from every allusion which would put 
modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, 
lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. 
He will yield to them every little advantage which may 
occur in the regular routine of domestic life : — the most 
comfortable seat, if there be a difference ; the warmest 
position by the winter's fireside ; the nicest slice from the 
family joint, and so on. 

In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man 
will pay regard to the feelings and wishes of the females 
by whom he is surrounded. He will not secure the best 
seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care, 
of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meet- 
ing be crowded, and a single female appear unaccomo- 
dated. 

Good breeding will keep a person from making loud 
and startling noises, from pushing past another in entering 
or going out of a room ; from ostentatiously using a pock- 



38 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



et-handkerchief ; from hawking and spitting in company; 
from fidgeting any part of the body ; from scratching 
the head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. 
In short, it will direct all who study its rules to abstain 
from every personal act which may give pain or offence 
to another's feelings. At the same time, it will enable 
them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach 
them when to speak and when to be silent, and how to 
behave with due respect to all. By attention to the 
rules of good breeding, and more especially to its leading 
principles, "the poorest man will be entitled to the char- 
acter of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the 
most wealthy person will be essentially vulgar. Vul- 
garity signifies coarseness or indelicacy of manner, and 
is not necessarily associated with poverty or lowliness of 
condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentle- 
man, and worthy of our particular esteem ; while an 
opulent merchant may be only a vulgar clown, with 
w T hom it is impossible to be on terms of friendly inter- 
course." 

The following remarks upon the " Character of a Gen- 
tleman" by Brooke are so admirable that I need make 
no apology for quoting them entire. He says; " There 
is no term, in our language, more common than that of 
c Gentleman ;' and, whenever it is heard, all agree in 
the general idea of a man some way elevated above the 
vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living are precisely agreed 
respecting the qualities they think requisite for consti- 
tuting this character. When we hear the epithets of a 
6 fine Gentleman,' ' a pretty Gentleman,' 4 much of a 
Gentleman/ ' Gentlemanlike,' ' something of a Gentle- 



POLITENESS. 



39 



man,' ' nothing of a Gentleman,' and so forth ; all these 
different appelations must intend a peculiarity annexed 
to the ideas of those who express them ; though no two 
of them, as I said, may agree in the constituent qualities 
of the character they have formed in their own mind. 
There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a 
very capital ingredient in the composition of — a Gentle- 
man. A certain easy impudence acquired by low r peo- 
ple, by casually being conversant in high life, has passed 
a man current through many companies for — a Gentle- 
man. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a 
bully is the most of — a Gentleman. And the highway- 
man, in his manner of taking your purse, may however 
be allowed to have — much of the Gentleman. Plato, 
among the philosophers, was ' the most of a man of 
fashion ;' and therefore allowed, at the court of Syracuse, 
to be — the most of a Gentleman. But seriously, I ap- 
prehend that this character is pretty much upon the 
modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no 
term, any way adequate, whereby we may express it. 
In the habits, manners, and characters of old Sparta 
and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the elements 
of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished 
people, you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, 
heroes, and detnigods ; but you never hear of any char- 
acter so elegant as that of — a pretty Gentleman. 

u When those nations, however, became refined into 
what their ancestors would have called corruption; when 
luxury introduced, and fashion gave a sanction to cer 
tain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the 
ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, 



40 



gentlemen's book of etiquette 



cheating, lying, &c. ; the practitioners assumed the new 
title of Gentlemen, till such Gentlemen became as plen- 
teous as stars in the milky-way, and lost distinction 
merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as 
the said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, 
and of easy descent to the populace from their betters, 
ambition judged it necessary to add further marks and 
criterions for severing the general herd from the nobler 
species — of Gentlemen. 

"Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to 
have a propensity to religion, their superiors affected a 
disdain of such vulgar prejudices ; and a freedom that 
cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage that 
spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distin- 
guishing characteristics— of a Gentleman, 

" If the populace, as in China, were industrious and 
ingenious, the grandees, by the length of their nails and 
the cramping of their limbs, gave evidence that true dig- 
nity was above labor and utility, and that to be born to 
no end was the prerogative— of a Gentleman. 

" If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a 
respect for the institutions of civil society and good gov- 
ernment ; their betters despised such pusillanimous con- 
formity, and the magistrates paid becoming regard to 
the distinction, and allowed of the superior liberties and 
privileges — of a Gentleman. 

" If the lower set show a sense of common honesty 
and common order ; those who would figure in the world, 
think it incumbent to demonstrate that complaisance to 
inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing 



POLITENESS. 



41 



common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere — of a 
Gentleman. 

" Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating 
and usurping the manners of their superiors ; and as this 
state of mortality is incident to perpetual change and 
revolution, it may happen, that when the populace, by 
encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to 
their ne plus ultra of insolence, irreligion, &e. ; the gen- 
try, in order to be again distinguished, may assume the 
station that their inferiors had forsaken, and, however 
ridiculous the supposition may appear at present, hu- 
manity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, may in 
time come to be the distinguishing characteristics — of a 
Gentleman. 

"It appears that the most general idea which people 
have formed of a Gentleman, is that of a person of for- 
tune above the vulgar, and embellished by manners that 
are fashionable in high life. In this case, fortune and 
fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the com- 
position of modern Gentlemen ; for whatever the fashion 
maybe, whether /moral or immoral, for or against reason, 
right or wrong, it is equally the duty of a Gentleman to 
conform. And yet I apprehend, that true gentility is 
altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, 
customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same quali- 
ties that constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the 
world, are permanently, invariably, and indispensably 
necessary to the constitution of the same character to 
the end of time. 

" Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in 
history, and Don Quixote the finest gentleman we read 



42 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



of in romance ; as was instanced from the tenor of their 
principles and actions. 

" Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the 
Third of England, and Edward the Black Prince, the 
more than heir of his father's renown, pressed John King 
of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his com- 
pany at London. John was desirous of embracing the 
invitation, and accordingly laid the proposal before his 
parliament at Paris. The parliament objected, that the 
invitation had been made with an insidious design of 
seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and 
easier acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that 
time pretended. But John replied, with some warmth, 
that he was confident his brother Edward, and more 
especially his young cousin, were too much of the gen- 
tleman, to treat him in that manner. He did not say 
too much of the king, of the hero, or of the saint, but 
too much of the gentleman to be guilty of any base- 
ness. 

" The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of 
Poictiers King John was made prisoner, and soon after 
conducted by the Black Prince to England. The prince 
entered London in triumph, amid the throng and accla- 
mations of millions of the people. But then this rather 
appeared to be the triumph of the French king than 
that of his conqueror. John was seated on a proud 
steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and 
gorgeous train of the British nobility ; while his con- 
queror endeavored, as much as possible, to disappear, 
and rode by his side in plain attire, and degradingly 
seated on a little Irish hobby. 



POLITENESS. 



43 



" As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for 
epic poetry and the sublime from a poem which Homer 
had written long before the rules were formed, or laws 
established for the purpose : thus, from the demeanor 
and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has 
borrowed and instituted the many modes of behaviour, 
which the world has adopted, under the title of good 
manners. 

" One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the 
poor ; and this is delicately instanced in the account 
which Don Quixote gives, to his fast friend Sancho Pan- 
cha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant 
Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin 
met a poor man half naked, and taking his cloak from 
his shoulders, he divided, and gave him the one half. 
Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. 
Was I a witness ? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance 
should I know in what year or what time of the year it 
happened ? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the knight, 
anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, 
thou must assuredly have known that this happened in 
winter ; for, had it been summer, Saint Martin would 
had given the whole cloak. 

o 

" Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a 
delicacy of behaviour toward that sex whom nature has 
entitled to the protection, and consequently entitled to 
the tenderness, of man. 

" The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood 
on a summer's evening, found himself entangled among 
nets of green thread that, here and there, hung from 
tree to tree ; and conceiving it some matter of purposed 



44 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through 
the enchantment. Hereupon some beautiful shepherd- 
esses interposed with a cry, and besought him to spare 
the implements of their innocent recreation. The knight, 
surprised and charmed by the vision, replied, — Fair 
creatures ! my province is to protect, not to injure ; to 
seek all means of service, but never of offence, more es- 
pecially to any of your sex and apparent excellences. 
Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored 
ground ; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek 
out new worlds, whereby I might w T in a passage, rather 
than break them. 

"Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, 
of some consequence, depending at Westminster, that 
indispensably required their personal appearance. They 
were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this tre- 
mendous occasion, requested his company and counte- 
nance at the court. Sir Joseph attended accordingly; 
and the cause being opened, the judge demanded whether 
he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of 
spinsters. ' No, my Lord,' said Sir Joseph; ' they are lilies 
of the valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet 
you see that no monarch, in all his glory, was ever ar- 
rayed like one of these/ 

" Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman 
is, the giving place and yielding to all with whom he has 
to do. Of this we have a shining and affecting instance 
in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished character 
that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. 
A contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abra- 
ham and the herdsmen of -his nephew, Lot, respecting 



POLITENESS. 



45 



the propriety of the pasture of the lands wherein they 
dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance of 
their cattle. And those servants, as" is universally the 
case, had respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame 
their masters with their own passions. When Abraham, 
in consequence of this, perceived that the countenance 
of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and gen- 
erously expostulated with him as followeth : ' Let there 
be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, or be- 
tween my herdsmen and thy herdsmen ; for we be 
brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from 
me, is not the whole land before thee ? If thou wilt 
take the left hand, then will I go to the right ; or if 
thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left/ 

" Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, 
that of feeling himself concerned and interested in 
others. Never was there so benevolent, so affecting, so 
pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon earth, as that 
of Abraham's pleading with God for averting the judg- 
ments that then impended over Sodom. But the matter 
is already so generally celebrated, that I am constrained 
to refer my reader to the passage at full ; since the 
smallest abridgment must' deduct from its beauties, and 
that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof. 

" Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to 
distinguish the character of a gentleman ; where it is 
written of Sechem, the son of Hamor, 6 that he was 
more honorable than all the house of his father.' 

" From hence it may be inferred, that human excel- 
lence, or human amiableness, doth not so much consist 
in a freedom from frailty as in our recovery from lapses, 



46 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

our detestation of our own transgressions, and our de- 
sire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we 
have done, and the offences we have given. Herein, 
therefore, may consist the very singular distinction which 
the great apostle makes between his estimation of a just 
and of a good man. ' For a just or righteous man ? ' says 
he, ' one would grudge to die ; but for a good man one 
would even dare to die/ Here the just man is supposed 
to adhere strictly to the rule of right or equity, and to 
exact from others the same measure -that he is satisfied 
to mete ; but the good man, though occasionally he may 
fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure 
to his benevolence, his general propensity is to give more 
than the due. The just man condemns, and is desirous 
of punishing the transgressors of the line prescribed to 
himself ; but the good man, in the sense of his own falls 
and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to 
others ; he judges, he condemns no one save himself. 
The just man is a stream that deviates not to the right 
Or left from its appointed channel, neither is swelled by 
the flood of passion above its banks ; but the heart of 
the good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a 
lamp lighted by the breath of God, and none save God 
himself can set limits to the efflux or irradiations thereof. 

" Again, the gentleman never envies any superior ex- 
cellence, but grows himself more excellent, by being the 
admirer, promoter, and lover thereof. Saul said to his 
son Jonathan, ' Thou son of the perverse, rebellious 
woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of 
Jesse to thine own confusion ? For as long as the son 
of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be es- 



POLITENESS. 



47 



tablished, nor thy kingdom ; wherefore send and fetch 
him unto me, for he shall surely die.' Here every in- 
teresting motive that can possibly be conceived to have 
an influence on man, united to urge Jonathan to the de- 
struction of David ; he would thereby have obeyed his 
king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. 
He would thereby have removed the only luminary that 
then eclipsed the brightness of his own achievements. 
And he saw, as his father said, that the death of David 
alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his 
posterity. But all those considerations jjvere of no avail 
to make Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the 
bands of his faith, or cool the warmth of his friendship. 
Jonathan ! the sacrifice which thou then madest to 
virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of 
God and his angels than all the subsequent glories to 
which David attained. What a crown was thine, ' Jona- 
than, when thou wast slain in thy high places P 

" Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, 
and violence ; making havoc, and breathing out threat- 
enings and slaughter, against all who were not of his 
own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that 
Infant, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, 
came upon him, he acquired a new heart and a new na- 
ture ; and he offered himself a willing subject to all the 
sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon 
others. 

" Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, 
all those qualities of the gentleman, which he after- 
wards specifies in his celebrated description of that 
charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever. 



48 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



When Festus cried with a loud voice, 1 Paul, thou art 
beside thyself, much learning doth make thee mad 
Paul stretched the hand, and answered, ' I am not mad, 
most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of truth 
and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, 
before whom also I speak freely ; for I am persuaded 
that none of these things are hidden from him. King 
Agrippa, believest thou the prophets ? I know that thou 
belie vest/ Then Agrippa said unto Paul, ' Almost thou 
persuadest me to be a Christian.' And Paul said, 4 1 
would to God that not only thou, but also all that hear 
me this day, were not only almost but altogether such as 
I am, — except these bonds.' Here, with what an inimit- 
able elegance did this man, in his own person, at once 
sum up the orator, the saint, and the gentleman ! 

u From these instances, my friend, you must have 
seen that the character, or rather quality of a gentle- 
man, does not, in any degree, depend on fashion or 
mode, on station or opinion ; neither changes with cus- 
toms, climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can 
alone inspire it into man, so it is, as God is the same, 
yesterday, to-day, and forever." 

In concluding this chapter I would say : 
"In the common actions and transactions of life, 
there is a wide distinction between the well-bred and the 
ill-bred. If a person of the latter sort be in a superior 
condition in life, his conduct towards those below him, 
or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by 
unmannerly condescension. In the company of his 
equals in station and circumstances, an ill-bred man is 



POLITENESS. 



49 



either captious and quarrelsome, or offensively familiar. 
He does not consider that : 

c The man who hails you Tom or Jack, 
And proves, by thumps upon your back, 

How he esteems your merit, 
Is such a friend, that one had need 
Be very much a friend indeed, 
To pardon or to bear it/ 

" And if a man void of good breeding have to transact 
business with a superior in wealth or situation, it is more 
than likely that he will be needlessly humble, uninten- 
tionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably embarrassed. 
On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively 
avoid all these errors. 'To inferiors, he will speak 
kindly and considerately, so as to relieve them from any 
feeling of being beneath him in circumstances. To 
equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and courteous. To 
superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, 
without descending to subserviency or meanness. In 
short, he will act a manly, inoffensive, and agreeable 
part, in all the situations in life in which he may be 
placed.' " 
4 



50 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



CHAPTER III. 

TABLE ETIQUETTE. 

It may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals, 
yet there is no occasion upon which the gentleman, and 
the low-bred, vulgar man are more strongly contrasted, 
than when at the table. The rules I shall give for table 
etiquette when in company will apply equally well for 
the home circle, with the exception of some few points, 
readily discernible, which may be omitted at your own 
table. 

A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with 
a friend should reply to it immediately, whether he ac- 
cepts or declines it. 

He should be punctual to the hour named in the invi- 
tation, five or ten minutes earlier if convenient, but not 
one instant later. He must never, unless he has previously 
asked permission to do so, take with him any friend not 
named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the 
privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an imper- 
tinence to force them to extend their hospitality, as they 
must do if you introduce a friend at their own house. 

Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to 
the hostess, then to the host. 

When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



51 



give the signal for leaving the drawing-room, and you 
will probably be requested to escort one of the ladies to 
the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the table 
wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is 
seated, before taking your own place. 

In leaving the parlor you will pas£ outjirst, and the 
lady will follow you, still holding your arm. At the 
door of the dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. 
Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till she 
passes you, to her place at the table. 

If there "are no ladies, you may go to the table with 
any gentleman who stands near you, or with whom you 
may be conversing w T hen dinner is announced. If your 
companion is older, than yourself, extend to him the 
same courtesy which you would use towards a lady. 

There are a thousand little points to be observed in 
your conduct at table which, while they are not abso- 
lutely necessary, are yet distinctive marks of a w ell-bred 
man. 

If, when at home, you practice habitually the courte- 
sies of the table, they will sit upon you easily when 
abroad ; but if you neglect them at home, you will use 
them awkwardly when in company, and you will find 
yourself recognized as a man who has " company man- 
ners," only wdien abroad. 

I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, 
in so noisy a manner as to be heard from one end of the 
table to the other ; fill their mouths so full of food, as to 
threaten suffocation or choking ; use their own knife for 
the butter, and salt ; put their fingers in the sugar bowl; 
and commit other faults quite as monstrous, yet seem 



52 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



perfectly unconscious that they were doing anything to 
attract attention. 

Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time 
avoid crowding those beside you. 

Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies 
which may be upon the table, and which are often served 
in small quantities, partake of them but sparingly, and 
decline them when offered the second time. 

Many men at their own table have little peculiar no- 
tions, which a guest does well to respect. Some will 
feel hurt, even offended, if you decline a dish which they 
recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, 
as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality 
unless you tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to 
pay respect to such whims at the table of others, but 
avoid having any such notions when presiding over your 
own board. 

Observe a strict sobriety ; never drink of more than 
one kind of wine, and partake of that sparingly. 

The style of serving dinner is different at different 
houses ; if there are many servants they will bring you 
your plate filled, and you must keep it. If you have 
the care of a lady, see that she has what she desires, 
before you give your own order to the waiter ; but if 
there are but few domestics, and the dishes are upon the 
table, you may with perfect propriety help those near 
you, from any dish within your reach. 

If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, 
especially if you have chosen the food upon it, for others 
have also a choice, and by passing it, you may give your 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



53 



neighbor dishes distaseful to him, and take yourself 
those which he would much prefer. 

If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit 
you find a worm or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, 
without any comment, and he will bring you another. 

Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over 
daintiness at table. To eat enormously is disgusting ; 
but if you eat too sparingly, your host may think that 
you despise his fare. 

Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table 
is well helped. Lift and change her plate for her, pass 
her bread, salt, and butter, give her orders to the waiter, 
and pay her every attention in your power. 

Before taking your place at table, wait until your 
place is pointed out to- you, unless there are cards bear- 
ing the names of the guests upon the plates ; in the latter 
case, take the place thus marked for you. 

Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. 
It is out of date, and now looked upon as a vulgar habit 
to put your napkin up over your breast. 

Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never 
hitch up your coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were 
going to wash your hands. Some men do this habitu- 
ally, but it is a sign of very bad breeding. 

Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during 
dinner. 

All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at 
the table. Avoid making them. 

Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with 
any air of secresy if others are engaged in tete-a-tete 
conversation ; if, however, the conversation is general, 



54 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



avoid conversing tete-a-tete. Do not raise your voice 
too much ; if yow. cannot make those at some distance 
from you hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, 
confine your remarks to those near you. 

If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from the 
side table, never address those in attendance as " Waiter !" 
as you would at a hotel or restaurant, but call one of 
them by name ; if you cannot do this, make him ft sign 
without speaking. 

Unless you are requested to do so, never select any 
particular part of a dish ; but, if your host asks you 
what part you prefer, name some part, as in this case the 
incivility would consist in making your host choose as 
well as carve for you. 

Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until 
it cools. Never raise your plate to your lips, but eat 
with your spoon. 

Never touch either your knife or your fork until after 
you have finished eating your soup. Leave your spoon 
in your soup plate, that the servant may remove them 
both. Never take soup twice. 

In changing your plate, or passing it during dinnef, 
remove your knife and fork, that the plate alone may be 
taken, but after you have finished your dinner, cross the 
knife and fork on the plate, that the servant may take 
all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert. 

Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut 
it with your knife ; break off small pieces and put these 
in your mouth with your fingers. 

At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never 
dip a piece of bread into the gravy or preserves upon 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



55 



your plate and then bite it, but if you wish to eat them 
together, break the bread into small pieces, and carry 
these to your mouth with your fork. 

Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter 
knife ; to use your own knife, spoon, or fingers, evinces 
a shocking want of good-breeding. 

Never criticize any dish before you. 

If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no 
remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting to ex- 
plain at a table how one article makes you sick, or why 
some other dish has become distasteful to you. I have 
seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table un- 
touched, because one of the company told a most disgust- 
ing anecdote about finding vermin served in a similar dish. 
No wit in the narration can excuse so palpably an error 
of politeness. 

Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the table- 
cloth. Put them upon the edge of your plate. 

Never use your knife for any purpose but to cut your 
food. It is not meant to be put in your mouth. Tour 
fork is intended to carry the food from your plate to 
your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his knife. 

If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too 
well-done, do not eat it ; give for an excuse that you 
prefer some other dish before you ; but never tell your 
host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. 

Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. 
Never pile the food on your plate as if you were starv- 
ing, but take a little at a time ; the dishes will not run 
away. 

Never use your own knife and fork to help either 



56 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



yourself or others. There is always one before the dish 
at every well-served table, and you should use that. 

It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your 
fork with the left hand, when eating, as you thus avoid 
the awkwardness of constantly passing the fork from your 
left hand to your right, and back again, when cutting 
your food and eating it. 

Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry 
them from the table. 

Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver 
one. 

Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, 
nor so slowly as to keep them waiting. 

If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle stand- 
ing before you, but pass it on. If you do take it, pass 
it on as soon as you have filled your glass. 

If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from 
your mouth, cover your lips with your hand or napkin, 
that others may not see you remove it. 

If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not 
time to leave the table, turn your head away, and as 
quickly as possible put the handkerchief in your pocket 
again. 

Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing 
is more ill-bred than to grease your glass with your 
lips. 

If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not 
drink wine, bow, raise your glass of water and drink 
with him. 

Do not propose to take wine with your host ; it is his 

privilege to invite you, 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



5T 



Do not put your glass upside down on the table to 
signify that you do not wish to drink any more ; it is 
sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be persuaded to touch 
another drop of wine after your own prudence warns 
you that you have taken enough. 

Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those 
next you ; it is ill-bred and in excessively bad taste. 

If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the 
table, call them by name, but never point or make a 
signal when at table. 

When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, 
but let it cool in the cup, and drink from that. 

If at a gentleman's party, never ask any one to sing 
or tell a story ; your host alone has the right thus to call 
upon his guests. 

If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently 
sure that you will give* pleasure, comply immediately with 
the request. 

If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, 
as to yield after once refusing is a breach of etiquette. 

When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers 
into them and then wipe them upon your napkin. 

Never leave the table till the mistress of the house 
gives the signal. 

On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, 
but do not fold it. 

Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the 
table. 

It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as 
dinner is over. Respect to your hostess obliges you to 
stay in the drawing-room at least an hour. 



58 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, after 
dinner, rise when they leave the table, and remain 
standing until they have left the room. 

I give, from a recent English work, some humorously 
WTitten directions for table etiquette, and, although they 
are some of them repetitions of what I have already 
given, they will be found to contain many useful hints : 

" We now come to habits at table, w T hich are very im- 
portant. However agreeable a man may be in society, 
if he offends or disgusts by his table traits, he will soon 
be scouted from it, and justly so. There are some broad 
rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant 
to help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife 
into your mouth, not even with cheese, which should be 
eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon for anything but 
liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. 

" Forks were, undoubtedly, a* later invention than 
fingers, but, as we are not cannibals, I am inclined to 
think they were a good one. There are some few things 
which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an 
epicure will eat even macaroni with his fingers ; and as 
sucking asparagus is more pleasant than chewing it, you 
may, as an epicure, take it up an nalurel. But both 
these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread is; 
of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd 
to carve it with your knife and fork. It must, on the 
contrary, always be broken when not buttered, and you 
should never put a slice of dry bread to your mouth to 
bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the 
natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or 
apple, you should cut it with the aid of the fork, unless 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



59 



you can succeed in breaking it. Apropos of which, I 
may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an 
apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. 
But the art of peeling an orange so as to hold its own 
juice, and its own sugar too, is one that can scarcely be 
taught in a book. 

46 However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell 
3 r ou whether you are a well-bred man or not ; and here 
let me premise that what is good manners for a small 
dinner is good manners for a large one, and vice versa. 
Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir ! 
pray do not cram yourself into the table in that Avay ; 
no, nor sit a yard from it, like that. How graceless, in- 
convenient, and in the way of conversation ! Why, 
dear me ! you are positively putting your elbows on the 
table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about 
with the spoons and forks, and now you are nearly 
knocking my new hock glasses over. Can't you take 
your hands down, sir ? Didn't you learn that in the 
nursery ? Didn't your mamma say to you, 'Never put 
your hands above the table except to carve or eat?' 
Oh ! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you please. I 
can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on 
my table ; you must not bury your face in the plate, you 
came to show it, and it ought to be alive. Well, but 
there is no occasion to throw your head back like that, 
you look like an alderman, sir, after dinner. Pray, 
don't lounge in that sleepy way.^ You are here to eat ?< 
drink, and be merry. You can sleep when you get 
home. 

" Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. 



60 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



Got none, indeed ! Very likely, in my house. You 
may be sure that I never sit down to a meal without 
napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for 
use, and I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. 
Well, now, we are all seated, you can unfold it on your 
knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your waistcoat like an 
alderman ; and what ! what on earth do you mean by 
wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a 
towel ? Well, never mind, I am consoled that you did 
not go farther, and use it as a pocket-handkerchief. So 
talk away to the lady on your right, and wait till soup is 
handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most 
important part of table manners, and, as much* as possi- 
ble, you should avoid asking for anything or helping 
yourself from the table. Your soup you eat with a 
spoon — I don't know what else you could eat it with — - 
but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, 
but I beg you will not make that odious noise in drinking 
your soup. It is louder than a dog lapping water, and 
a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then you need not 
scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get 
the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; 
but I must just remark, that it is not the custom to take 
two helpings of soup, and it is liable to keep other people 
waiting, which, once for all, is a selfish and intolerable 
habit. But don't you hear the servant offering you 
sherry ? I wish you would attend, for my servants have 
quite enough to do, and can't wait all the evening while 
you finish that very mild story to Miss Goggles. Come, 
leave that decanter alone. I had the wine put on the 
table to fill up ; the servants will hand it directly, or, as 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



61 



we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself ; 
but, pray, do not be so officious. (There, I have sent 
him some turbot to keep him quiet. I declare he cannot 
make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant again, 
sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot ? Don't ex- 
amine it in that way ; it is quite fresh, I assure you ; 
take or decline it. Ah, you take it, but that is no 
reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, I re- 
peat, must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork 
in the right and a small piece of bread in the left hand. 
Good, but — ? Oh ! that is atrocious ; of course you 
must not swallow the bones, but you should rather do so 
than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin 
like this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't 
rub your head in the sauce, my good man, nor go prog- 
ging about after the shrimps or oysters therein. Oh ! 
how horrid ! I declare your mouth was wide open and 
full of fish. Small pieces, I beseech you ; and once for 
all, whatever you eat, keep your mouth shut, and never 
attempt to talk with it full. 

" So now you have got a pat£. Surely you are not 
taking two on your plate. There is plenty of dinner to 
come, and one is quite enough. Oh ! dear me, you are 
incorrigible. What ! a knife to cut that light, brittle 
pastry ? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon — almost 
as bad. Take your fork, sir, your fork ; and, now you 
have eaten, oblige me by wiping your mouth and mous- 
tache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry 
hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. 
Well, you can refuse a dish if you like. There is no 
positive necessity for you to take venison if you don't 



62 gentlemen's 'book of etiquette. 

want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that terrific 
hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait 
for the sauce and wait for vegetables ; but whether you 
eat them or not, do not begin before everybody else. 
Surely you must take my table for that of a railway re- 
freshment-room, for you have finished before the person 
I helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my 
good sir, and not very good manners either. What! are 
you trying to eat meat with a fork alone ? Oh ! it is 
sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. 
Let me give you a rule, — Everything that can be cut 
without a knife, should be cut with a fork alone. Eat 
your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. No, there is no. 
necessity to take a spoon for peas ; a fork in the right 
hand will do. What ! did I really see you put your 
knife into your mouth? Then I must give you up. 
Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, not to help 
with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner ; chew 
your food well, but softly. Eat slowly. Have you not 
heard that Napoleon lost the battle of Leipsic by eating 
too fast ? It is a fact though. His haste caused indi- 
gestion, which iftade him incapable of attending to the 
details of the battle. You see you are the last person 
eating at table. Sir, I will not allow you to speak to 
my servants in that way. If they are so remiss as to 
oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in a 
low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would 
his master. Ten to one he is as good a man ; and be- 
cause he is your inferior in position, is the very reason 
you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is of no use 
to ask me to take wine ; far from pacifying me, it will 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



63 



only make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is 
quite gone out, except in a few country villages, and at 
a mess-table. Nor need you ask the lady to do so. 
However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any 
one to take wine with you, he or she cannot refuse, so 
you have your own way. Perhaps next you will be ask- 
ing me to hob and nob, or trinquer in the French fashion 
with arms encircled. Ah ! you don't know, perhaps, 
that when a lady trinques in that way with you, you have 
a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed ! 
But it is the custom in familiar circles in France, but 
then we are not Frenchmen. Will you attend to your 
lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but to make 
yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at 
Thebes; talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some 
pudding. No knife — no, no. A spoon if you like, but 
better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon ; there is 
a small one handed you, take that. 

"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been 
handed to you, and I am sure you have had enough. 
Decline this time if you please. Decline that dish too. 
Are you going to eat of everything that is handed ? I 
pity you if you do. No, you must not ask for more 
cheese, and you must eat it with your fork. Break the 
rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking a 
glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in 
that way. Never drink a whole glassful of anything at 
once. 

" Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever 
wine you like, but remember you must keep to that, and 
not change about. Before you go up stairs I will allow 



64 



gentlemen's book' of etiquette. 



you a glass of sherry after your claret, but otherwise k 
drink of one wine only. You don't mean to say you are 
helping yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, 
offer it to the one next to you, and then pass it on, 
gently, not with a push like that. Do not drink so fast; 
you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that 
your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till, the 
ladies are gone, but offer them whatever is nearest to 
you. And now they are gone, draw your chair near 
mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. 
You will come out admirably at your next dinner with 
all my teaching. What ! you are excited, you are talk- 
ing loud to the colonel. Nonsense. Come and talk 
easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't 
drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. 
You oblige me to make a move. You have had enough 
of those walnuts ; you are keeping me, my dear sir. So 
now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you will 
not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has 
done you good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the 
ladies, but not too much so." 

44 Champ, champ ; Smack, smack ; Smack, smack ; 
Champ, champ; — It is one thing to know how to make a 
pudding, and another to know now to eat it when made. 
Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some 
persons accompany the eating — no, the devouring of the 
food for which, we trust, they are thankful. To sit 
down with a company of such masticators is like joining 
' a herd of swine feeding.' Soberly, at no time, proba- 
bly, are the rules of good breeding less regarded than 
at 'feeding time/ and at no place is a departure from 



i 



TABLE ETIQUETTE. 



05 



these rules more noticeable than at table. Some persons 
gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a bone, rattle knives and 
spoons against their teeth as though anxious to prove 
which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an en- 
ergy and perseverance which would be very commendable 
if bestowed upon any object worth the trouble. Others, 
in defiance of the old nursery rhyme — 

i I must not dip, howe'er I wish, 
My spoon or finger in the dish 

are perpetually helping themselves in this very straight- 
forward and unsophisticated manner. Another, with a 
mouth full of food contrives to make his teeth and tongue 
perform the double duty of chewing and talking at the 
same time. Another, quite in military style, in the in- 
tervals of cramming, makes his knife and fork keep 
guard over the jealously watched plate, being held up- 
right on either side in the clenched fist, like the musket 
of a raw recruit. And another, as often-as leisure serves, 
fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, 
or round and round, until the painful operation of feeding 
is over. 

" There is. we know, such a thing as being 6 too nice' 
— 'more nice than wise.' It is quite possible to be fas- 
tidious. But there are also such inconsiderable matters 
as decency and good order ; and it surely is better to 
err on the right than on the wrong side of good breed- 



66 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



CHAPTER IV. 
etiquette in the street. 

A gentleman will be always polite, in the parlor, 
dining-room, and in the street. This last clause will 
especially include courtesy towards ladies, no matter 
what may be their age or position. A man who will 
annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to 
a brute, no matter whether he offends by look, word, or 
gesture. There are several little forms of etiquette, 
given below, the observance of which will mark the gen- 
tleman in the street. 

When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who 
is older than yourself, give them the upper side of the 
pavement, that is, the side nearest the house. 

When walking alone, and you see any one coming to- 
wards you on the same side of the street, give the upper 
part of the pavement, as you turn aside, to a man who 
may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, to 
a woman, or to any elderly person. 

In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede 
your progress, but wait patiently until the way is clear. 
If you are hurried by business of importance or an en- 
gagement, you will find that a few courteous words will 



ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 



67 



open the way before you more quickly than the most 
violent pushing and loud talking. 

If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any 
]ady or old person who may also be passing, precede 
you. In case the way is slippery or in any way unsafe, 
you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either a 
a lady or elderly person in crossing it. 

Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then 
remove your cigar from your mouth, if you meet a lady. 

Be careful about your dress. You can never know 
whom you may meet, so it is best to never leave the 
house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright colors, and 
much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in 
the street. 

Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, 
and do not swing your arms as you walk. 

Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to 
put your foot upon her dress. 

In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see 
the way clear before you ; avoid striking your umbrella 
against those which pass you ; if you are walking with a 
lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, but hold it so 
that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the 
care of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between 
them, and walk outside yourself. Nothing can be more 
absurd than for a gentleman to walk between two ladies, 
holding the umbrella himself ; while, in this way, he is 
perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses 
and cloaks the little streams of water which run from 
the points of the umbrella. 

In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with per- 



68 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



feet propriety, offer your umbrella to a lady who is un- 
provided with one. If she accepts it, and asks your 
address to return it, leave it with her ; if she hesitates, 
and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you 
may offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, 
do not open a conversation ; let your manner be respect- 
ful, and when you leave her, let her thank you, assure 
her of the pleasure it has given you to be of service, 
bow, and leave her. 

In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, 
and in returning her salutation, remove your hat. To 
a gentleman you may bow, merely touching your hat, 
if he is alone or with another gentleman ; but if he has 
a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If 
you stop to speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, 
until she leaves you, unless she requests you to replace it. 
With a gentleman you may replace it immediately. 

Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first 
asking her permission to do so. 

If you stop to converse with any one in the street, 
stand near the houses, that you may not interfere with 
others who are passing. 

You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if 
you are in the street ; but you must not bow from a 
window to a lady in the street. 

Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round 
a street show, or street merchant, unless you wish to 
pass for a countryman taking a holiday in the city. 

If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if 
you are called upon to direct another, remove your hat 
while asking or answering the question. 



ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 



69 



If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, 
or hesitating at a bad crossing, you may, with pro- 
priety, offer your hand or arm to assist her, and 
having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass 
on. 

In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, 
stop the car for her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus 
alight and assist her in getting out, bowing as you leave 
her. 

Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There 
is no surer token of a low, vulgar mind, than unkind- 
ness to little ones whom you may meet in the streets. 

A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be 4 
the position of any woman whom it is in his power to aid 
in the street. He will assist an Irish washerwoman with 
her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or carry over 
the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the 
same gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the 
lady who was stepping from her private carriage. The 
true spirit of chivalry makes the courtesy due to the sex, 
not to the position of the individual. 

When you are escorting a lady in the street, polite- 
ness does not absolutely require you to carry her bundle 
or parasol, but if you are gallant you will do so. You 
must regulate your walk by hers, and not force her to 
keep up with your ordinary pace. 

Watch that you do not lead her into any bad places, 
and assist her carefully over each crossing, or wet place 
on the pavement. 

If you are walking in the country, and pass any 



70 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



streamlet, offer your hand to assist your companion in 
crossing. 

If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assis- 
tance in crossing it, walk forward, and do not look back, 
until she joins you again. The best way to assist a lady 
over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the upper rail, 
and while using one hand to keep a steady position, 
stoop, offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, 
hold her hand until she stands beside you ; then let her 
go down on the other side first, and follow her when she 
is safe upon the ground. 

In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a 
stranger in the place towards whom you act as guide, 
let her select your destination. 

Where there are several ladies, and you are required 
to escort one of them, select the elderly, or those whose 
personal appearance will probably make them least likely 
to be sought by others. You will probably be repaid by 
finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of conver- 
sation. If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you 
may offer an arm to two, with some jest about the diffi- 
culty of choosing, or the double honor you enjoy. 

Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady 
who is standing. It is often quite as great a kindness 
and mark of courtesy to take a child in your lap. 

When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well 
as your own ; if she offers to share the expense, decline 
unless she insists upon it, in the latter case yield grace- 
fully. Many ladies, who have no brother or father, and 
are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, 
make it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to 



ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 



71 



them, and you will, in such a case, offend more by in- 
insisting upon your right to take that expense, than by 
quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together. 

I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; 
but I have observed this matter, and know many ladies 
who will sincerely agree with me in my opinion. 

In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady 
or ladies accompanying you. If you have but one lady 
with you, take the seat opposite to her, unless she invites 
you to sit beside her, in which case accept her offer. 

Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, 
as many do in riding. It is an impertinence, and if she 
is a lady of refinement, she will resent it as such. 

If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or ano- 
ther gentleman whom you may meet at a party or picnic, 
take them home, before you drive to your own destina- 
tion, no matter how much you may have to drive out of 
your own way. 

Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. 
If you have ladies with you, offer them your hand to 
assist them in entering and alighting, and you should 
take the arm of an old gentleman to assist him. 

If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, 
stand aside for him to get in first, but if he waits for 
you, bow and take your seat before he does. 

When driving a lady in a tow-seated vehicle, you 
should assist her to enter the carriage, see that her dress 
is not in danger of touching the wheels, and that her 
shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach them, 
before you take your own seat. If she wishes to stop, 
and you remain with the horses, you should alight before 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



slie does, assist her in alighting, and again alight to 
help her to her seat when she returns, even if you keep 
your place on the seat whilst she is gone. 

When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never 
mount your horse until she is ready to start. Give her 
your hand to assist her in mounting, arrange the folds 
of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and then 
take your own seat on your saddle. 

Let her pace be yours. Start w T hen she does, and let 
her decide how fast or slowly she will ride. Never let 
the head of your horse pass the shoulders of hers, and be 
watchful and ready to render her any assistance she may 
require. 

Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride faster than 
she may desire. 

Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she par- 
ticularly requests your assistance, or an accident, or 
threatened danger, makes it necessary. 

If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from 
it as far as possible. 

If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride 
so as to bespatter her habit. It is best to ride on the 
side away from that upon which her habit falls. Some 
ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, and 
you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, 
that, on a muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit 
with the mud your horse's hoofs throw up. 

If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or 
one who claims your respect, let him mount before you 
do. Extend the same courtesy towards any gentleman 



ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 



73 



whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for 
the ride, your guest. 

The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a 
lady, an elderly man, or your guest. 

A modern writer says : — " If walking with a female 
relative or friend, a well-bred man will take the outer 
side of the pavement, not only because the wall-side is 
the most honorable side of a public walk, but also be- 
cause it is generally the farthest point from danger in the 
street. If walking alone, he will be ready to offer as- 
sistance to any female whom he may see exposed to real 
peril from any source. Courtesy and manly courage 
will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, 
this is a point of honor which almost all men are proud 
to achieve. It has frequently happened that even where 
the savage passions of men have been excited, and when 
mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been gal- 
lantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, 
and their presence has even been a protection to their 
protectors. This is as it should be ; and such incidents 
have shown in a striking manner, not only the excellency 
of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and 
where it was least to be expected. 

" In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person 
will be easily distinguished from another who sets at de- 
fiance the rules of good breeding. He will not, what- 
ever be his station, hinder and annoy his fellow pedestri- 
ans, by loitering or standing still in the middle of the 
footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from 
making impertinent remarks on those he meets ; he will 
even be careful not to appear indelicately to notice them. 



74 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



He will not take ' the crown of the causeway' to himself, 
but readily fall in with the convenient custom w r hich ne- 
cessity has provided, and walk on the right side of the 
path, leaving the left side free for those who are walking 
in the opposite direction. Any departure from these 
plain rules of good breeding is downright rudeness and 
insult ; or, at all events, it betrays great ignorance or 
disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they 
departed from ! It is, by no means, uncommon, espe- 
cially in country places, for groups of working men to 
obstruct the pathway upon which they take a fancy to 
lounge, without any definite object, as far as appears, 
but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But 
it is not only the laboring classes of society who offend 
against good breeding in this way ; too many others of- 
fend in the same, and by stopping to talk in the middle 
of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience." 

In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with 
her, but accept her hand when she offers it for you to 
take. 

" In France, where politeness is found in every class, 
the people do not run against each other in the streets, 
nor brush rudely by each other, as they sometimes do in 
our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of w T alking, to 
be free from such annoyance ; and this can only be 
brought about by the well-taught few setting a good ex- 
ample to the many. By having your wits about you, 
you can win your way through a thronged street without 
touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon 
sleeve ; and, if each one strove to avoid all contact, it 
would be easily accomplished." 



ETIQUETTE FOE CALLING. 



75 



CHAPTER V. 

ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 

A gentleman in society must calculate to give a cer- 
tain portion of his time to making calls upon his friends, 
both ladies and gentlemen. He may extend his visiting 
list to as large a number as his inclination and time will 
permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after 
passing certain limits. His position as a man in society 
obliges him to call, 

Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a let- 
ter of introduction to him ; 

Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospi- 
tality he has been at any time indebted ; 

Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a 
favor or courtesy ; 

Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such 
calls should be made very soon after the entertainment 
given) ; 

Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an 
expression of sympathy, whether it be congratulation or 
condolence ; 

Upon, any friend who has lately returned from a voy- 
age or long journey ; 

Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an 



76 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



escort, either for a journey or the return from a ball or 
evening party ; this call must be made the day after he 
has thus escorted the lady ; 

Upon his hostess after any party to which he has 
been invited, whether he has accepted or declined such 
invitation ; 

Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an 
evening, a walk or a drive ; 

Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps 
confined to the house ; 

Upon his lady friends on New Year's day, (if it is the 
custom of the city in which he resides ;) 
* Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal 
calls ; 

Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting; if 
gentlemen friends reside in the same city, you may 
either call upon them or send your card with your ad- 
dress and the length of time you intend staying, written 
upon it ; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends 
such a card, you must call at the earliest opportunity ; 

Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor ; to 
make him, under such circumstances call upon you, is 
extremely rude ; 

Upon any one who has asked a favor of you ; you 
will add very much to the pleasure you confer, in grant- 
ing a favor, by calling to express the gratification it 
affords you to be able to oblige your friend ; you will 
soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and express- 
ing your regret, you show that you feel interested in the 
request, and consider it of importance. 

Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may 



ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 



77 



call without waiting for any of the occasions given 
above. 

Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against 
the practice of making calls, declaring it a "bore," tire- 
some, or stupid. The custom is a good one. 

An English writer says : — 

" The visit or call is a much better institution than is 
generally supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes 
much time ; it necessitates much small talk. It obliges 
one to dress on the chance of finding a friend at home ; 
but for all this it is almost the only means of making an 
acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the 
strain, which general society somehow necessitates, is 
thrown off. A man receives you in his rooms cordially, 
and makes you welcome, not to a stiff dinner, but an 
easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the ball 
room or party has been compelled to limit her conver- 
sation, can here speak more freely. The talk can 
descend from generalities to personal inquiries, and need 
I say, that if you wish to know a young lady truly, you 
must see her at home ?i and by day light. 

" The main points to be observed about visits, are the 
proper occasions and the proper hours. Now, between 
actual friends there is little need of etiquette in these 
respects. A friendly visit may be made at any time, on 
any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the 
business of the day is over, in the afternoon rather than 
in the morning, and you must, even as a friend, avoid 
calling at meal times. But, on the other hand, many 
people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is 
the best time to make them." 



78 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



Any first call which you receive must be returned 
promptly. If you do not wish to continue the acquain- 
tance any farther, you need not return a second call, 
but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first 
one. 

A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or 
afternoon ; but in this country, where almost every man 
has some business to occupy his day, the evening is the 
best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in 
easy intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly 
in one evening, than in several morning calls. 

Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o'clock 
in the morning, or after nine in the evening. 

Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call at din- 
ner or tea time, and your host is thus forced to invite 
you to the table, it is best to decline the civility. If, 
however, you see that you will give pleasure by staying, 
accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling 
again at the same hour. 

No man in the United States, excepting His Excel- 
lency, the President, can expect to receive calls unless 
he returns them. 

"Visiting," says a French writer, "forms the cord 
which binds society together, and it is so firmly tied, 
that were the knot severed, society would perish." 

A ceremonious call should never extend over more 
than fifteen minutes, and it should not be less than ten 
minutes. 

If you see the master of the house take letters or a 
paper from his pocket, look at the clock, have an absent 
air, beat time with his fingers or hands, or in any other 



ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 



79 



way show weariness or ennui, you may safely conclude 
that it is time for you to leave, though you may not 
have been five minutes in the house. If you are host to 
the most wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, 
and converses only on subjects which do not interest 
you, in the least; unless he is keeping you from an 
important engagement, you must not show the least 
sign of weariness. Listen to him politely, endea- 
vor to entertain him, and preserve a smiling compo- 
sure, though you may long to show him the door. In 
case he is keeping you from business of importance, or 
an imperative engagement, you may, without any in- 
fringement upon the laws of politeness, inform him of 
the fact, and beg him to excuse you ; you must, how- 
ever, express polite regret at your enforced want of hos- 
pitality, and invite him to call again. 

It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. 
To know how to choose the moment when you will be 
regretted, and to retire leaving your friends anxious for 
a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment w T orth ac- 
quiring. 

When you begin to tire of your visit, you may gene- 
rally feel sure that your entertainers are tired of you, and 
if you do not want to remain printed upon their memory 
as " the man who makes such long, tiresome calls," you 
will retire. 

If other callers come in before you leave a friend's 
parlor, do not rise immediately as if you wished to avoid 
them, but remain seated a few moments, and then leave, 
that your hostess may not have too many visitors to 
entertain at one time. 



80 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



If you have been enjoying a tete-a-tete interview with 
a lady, and other callers come in, do not hurry away, 
as if detected in a crime, but after a few courteous, grace- 
ful words, and the interchange of some pleasant remarks, 
leave her to entertain her other friends. 

To endeavor when making a call to 44 sit out" others 
in the room, is very rude. 

When your host or hostess urges you to stay longer, 
after you have risen to go, be sure that that is the best 
time for departure. You will do better to go then, 
when you will be regretted, than to wait until you have 
worn your welcome out. 

When making a visit of condolence, take your tone 
from your host or hostess. If they speak of their mis- 
fortune, or, in case of death, of the departed relative, 
join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the de- 
ceased, and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the 
other hand, they avoid the subject, then it is best for 
you to avoid it too. They may feel their inability to 
sustain a conversation upon the subject of their recent 
affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon 
them. If you see that they are making an effort, per- 
haps a painful one, to appear cheerful, try to make them 
forget for the time their sorrows, and chat on cheerful 
subjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, 
or undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear 
heartless. 

A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be 
cheerful, gay, and joyous. Here, painful subjects would 
be out of place. Do not mar the happiness of your friend 
by the description of the misery of your own position or 



ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 



81 



that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous 
sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your 
happiness. To laugh with those who laugh, weep with 
those who are afflicted, is not hypocrisy, but kindly, 
friendly sympathy. 

Always, when making a friendly call, send up your 
card, by the servant who opens the door. 

There are many times when a card may be left, even 
if the family upon which you call is at home. Visits of 
condolence, unless amongst relatives or very intimate 
friends, are best made by leaving a card with enquiries 
for the health of the family, and offers of service. 

If you see upon entering a friend's parlor, that your 
call is keeping him from going out, or, if you find a lady 
friend dressed for a party or promenade, make your 
visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady seems 
unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your ser- 
vices as an escort. 

Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose 
profession allows him to remain at home, at the hours 
when he is engaged in the pursuit of his profession. 
The fact that you know he is at home is nothing ; he 
will not care to receive visits during the time allotted to 
his daily work. 

Never take another gentleman to call upon one of 
your lady friends without first obtaining her permission 
to do so. 

The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, 

a party, ball, or other entertainment should be made 

within a fortnight after the civility has been accepted. 

When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not 
6 



82 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



take a seat until they invite you to do so, or by a motion, 
and themselves sitting down, show that they expect you 
to do the same. 

Keep your hat in your hand when making a call. 
This will show your host that you do not intend to re- 
main to dine or sup with him. You may leave an um- 
brella or cane in the hall if you w T ish, but your hat and 
gloves you must carry into the parlor. In making an 
evening call for the first time keep your hat and gloves 
in your hand, until the host or hostess requests you to 
lay them aside and spend the evening. 

When going to spend the evening with a friend whom 
you visit often, leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in 
the hall. 

If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the even- 
ing, you see by her dress, or any other token, that she 
was expecting to go to the opera, concert, or an evening 
party, make a call of a few minutes only, and then re- 
tire. I have known men who accepted instantly the in- 
vitation given them to remain under these circumstances, 
and deprive their friends of an anticipated pleasure, 
when their call could have been made at any other time. 
To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is ex- 
cessively rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance 
but the impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a 
short stay in town^ or any other cause. Even in this 
case it is better to accompany your friends upon their 
expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, 
easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public 
entertainment, and if they invite you to join their party 
to a friend's house, you may without impropriety do so, 



ETIQUETTE FOB, CALLING. 



83 



as a lady is privileged to introduce you to her friends under 
such circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to 
know when to accept and when to decline such an invita- 
tion. Be careful that you do not intrude upon a party 
already complete in themselves, or that you do not in- 
terfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have al- 
ready been accepted as escorts. 

Never make a third upon such occasions. Neither 
one of a couple who propose spending the evening abroad 
together, will thank the intruder who spoils their tete-a- 
tete. 

When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is 
for any reason inopportune, do not instantly retire unless 
you have entered unperceived and can so leave, in which 
case leave immediately ; if, however, you have been seen, 
your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your 
own graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your en- 
trance may have caused, make but a short call, and, if 
you can, leave your friends under the impression that 
you saw nothing out of the way when you entered. 

Always leave a card when you find the person upon 
w r hom you have called absent from home. 

A card should have nothing written upon it, but your 
name and address. To leave a card with your business 
address, or the nature of your profession written upon 
it, shows a shocking ignorance of polite society. Busi- 
ness cards are never to be used excepting when you 
make a business call. 

Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, 
whether by a fancy border, painted corners, or em- 
bossing. Let it be perfectly plain, tinted, if you like, 



84 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



in color, but without ornament, and have your name 
written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller 
characters, in the lower left hand corner. Many gentle- 
men omit the Mr. upon their cards, writing merely their 
Christian and surname ; this is a matter of taste, you 
may follow your own inclination. Let your card be 
written thus : — 

Henry C. Pkatt. 
No. 217 L. street. 

A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the 
name, and an officer in the army or navy may add his 
title ; but for militia officers to do so is absurd. 

If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, 
place a chair for her, and wait until she takes it before 
you sit down yourself. 

Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very 
near her own, unless she invites you to do so. 

If a lady enters the room where you are making a 
call, rise, and remain standing until she is seated. Even 
if she is a perfect stranger, offer her a chair, if there is 
none near her. 

You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain 
standing until she has passed out. 

If you are engaged in any profession which you follow 
at home, and receive a caller, you may, during the day- 
time, invite him into your library, study, or the room in 
which you work, and, unless you use your pen, you may 
work while he is with you. 

When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer 
a chair, take his hat and cane, and, while speaking of 



ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 



85 



the pleasure the call affords you, show, by your manner, 
that you are sincere, and desire a long call. 

Do not let your host come with you any farther than 
the room door if he has other visitors ; but if you are 
showing out a friend, and leave no others in the parlor, 
you should come to the street door. 

A few hints from an English author, will not be amiss 
in this place. He says : — 

" Visits of condolence and congratulation must be 
made about a week after the event. If you are intimate 
with the person on whom you call, you may ask, in the 
first case, for admission ; if not, it is better only to leave 
a card, and make your ' kind inquiries' of the servant, 
who is generally primed in what manner to answer 
them. In visits of congratulation you should always go 
in, and be hearty in your congratulations. Visits of 
condolence are terrible inflictions to both receiver and 
giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as 
much as consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the 
past. The receiver does well to abstain from tears. A 
lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was 
receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept pro- 
fusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed 
cambric handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, 
said : 4 1 am sure you will be glad to hear that Mr. B. 
has left me most comfortably provided for.' Hinc illce 
lacrymce. Perhaps they would have been more sincere 
if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, 
if you have not sympathy and heart enough to pump up 
a little condolence, you will do better to avoid it, but 
take care that your conversation is not too gay. What- 



86 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

ever you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of 
others. 

" On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as 
you wish to keep among your acquaintance, and it is then 
their part to call first on the young couple, when within 
distance. 

" Having entered the house, you take up with you to 
the drawing-room both hat and cane, but leave an um- 
brella in the hall. In France it is usual to leave a 
great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this 
country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so. 

" It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls 
in large towns ; in the country it is sometimes done, not 
always. The law of introductions is, in fact, to force 
no one into an acquaintance. You should, therefore, as- 
certain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be 
introduced ; but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish 
to know a gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have 
no right to decline the honor. The introduction is of an 
inferior [which position a gentleman always holds to a 
lady] to the superior. Tou introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. 
Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not vice versa. In intro- 
ducing two persons, it is not necessary to lead one of 
them up by the hand, but it is sufficient simply to pre- 
cede them. Having thus brought the person to be intro- 
duced up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it is 
the custom, even when the consent has been previously 
obtained, to say, with a slight bow, to the superior per- 
sonage: 'Will you allow me to introduce Mr. — ?' 

The person addressed replies by bowing to the one intro- 
duced, who also bows at the same time, while the intro- 



ETIQUETTE FOR CALLIXG. 



87 



ducer repeats their names, and then retires, leaving them 
to converse. Thus, for instance, in presenting Mr. 
Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, ' Mrs. Smith, allow 
me to introduce Mr. Jones/ and while they are engaged 
in bowing you will murmur, ' Mrs. Smith — Mr. Jones/ 
and escape. If you have to present three or four peo- 
ple to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their re- 
spective names without repeating that of the lady. 

" A well-bred person always receives visitors at what- 
ever time they may call, or whoever they may be ; but 
if you are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupted 
by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant he- 
forehand to say that you are 'not at home.' This form 
has often been denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no 
lie unless intended to deceive ; and since the words are 
universally understood to mean that you are engaged, it 
can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, 
on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor 
within the hall, you should receive him at any inconveni- 
ence to yourself." 

He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made 
to friends in another city or the country. 

He says : — 

" A few words on visits to country houses before I quit 
this subject. Since a man's house is his castle, no one, 
not even a near relation, has a right to invite himself to 
stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty to do so, but 
may prove to be very inconvenient. A general invita- 
tion, too, should never be acted on. It is often given 
without any intention of following it up ; but, if given, 
should be turned into a special one sooner or later. An 



88 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



invitation should specify the persons whom it includes, 
and the person invited should never presume to take 
with him any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot 
dispense with his valet, he should write to ask leave to 
bring a servant ; but the means of your inviter, and the 
size of the house, should be taken into consideration, and 
it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. 
Children and horses are still more troublesome, and 
should never be taken without special mention made of 
them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a wagon- 
ful of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that 
you intend to stay a long time. The length of a coun- 
try visit is indeed a difficult matter to decide, but in the 
present day people who receive much generally specify 
the length in their invitation — a plan which saves a great 
deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so com- 
mendable has lately come in of limiting the visits of ac- 
quaintance to two or three days. This may be pardona- 
ble where the guest lives at no great distance, but it is 
preposterous to expect a person to travel a long distance 
for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be 
not specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is 
the limit for a country visit, except at the house of a 
near relation or very old friend. It will, however, save 
trouble to yourself, if, soon after your arrival, you state 
that you are come "for a few days," and, if your host 
wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press 
you to do so. 

" The main point in a country visit is to give as little 
trouble as possible, to conform to the habits of your en- 
tertainers, and never to be in the way. On this princi- 



ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 



89 



pie you will retire to jour own occupations soon after 
breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for 
passing the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to 
do, you may be sure that your host has' something to 
attend to in the morning. Another point of good-breed- 
ing is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess 
never sit down without their guest, and dinner may be 
getting cold. If, however, a guest should fail in this 
particular, a w T ell-bred entertainer will not only take no 
notice of it, but attempt to set the late comer as much 
at his ease as possible. A host should provide amuse- 
ment for his guests, and give up his time as much as 
possible to them ; but if he should be a professional man 
or student — an author, for instance — the guest should, 
at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not 
allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter 
will set his visitor more at his ease by accepting this ar- 
rangement. In fact, the rule on which a host should 
act is to make his visitors as much at home as possible ; 
that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as little 
as possible with the domestic routine of the house. 

"The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of 
giving gratuities to the servants, for a poor man may 
often find his visit cost him far more than if he had 
stayed at home. It is a custom which ought to be put 
down, because a host who receives much should pay his 
own servants for the extra trouble given. Some people 
have made by-laws against it in their houses, but, like 
those about gratuities to railway-porters, they are seldom 
regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold, 



90 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



but a poor man should not be ashamed of offering him 
silver. It must depend on the length of the visit. The 
ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to the male ser- 
vants. Would that I might see my friends without pay- 
ing them for their hospitality in this indirect manner !" 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



91 



CHAPTER VI. 

ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 

Of all the amusements open for young people, none 
is more delightful and more popular than dancing. Lord 
Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: " Dancing 
is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing ; but it is one * 
of those established follies to which people of sense are 
sometimes obliged to conform ; and then they should be 
able to do it well. And, though I would not have you 
a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you 
dance well, as I would have you do everything you do 
well." In another letter, he writes : "Do you mind 
your dancing while your dancing master is with you ? 
As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a 
minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember 
that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your 
hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat 
genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's danc- 
ing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, 
that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, 
stand, and walk genteelly ; all of which are of real im- 
portance to a man of fashion." 

Although the days are over when gentlemen carried 
their hats into ball rooms and danced minuets, there are 



92 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



useful bints in the quotations given above. Nothing 
will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to a 
gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. 
He will, in its practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, 
and learn to use both hands and feet well. What can 
be more awkward than a man who continually finds his 
hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy move- 
ments, betrays his trouble ? A good dancer never feels 
this embarrassment, consequently he never appears aware 
of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands and 
arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid 
of attracting attention in a ball room or evening party, 
do not take lessons in dancing, overlooking the fact that 
it is those who do not partake of the amusement on such 
occasions, not those who do, that attract attention. To 
all such gentlemen I would say ; Learn to dance. You 
will find it one of the very best plans for correcting 
bashfulness. Unless you possess the accomplishments 
that are common in polite society, you can neither give 
nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from so- 
cial intercourse. 

When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it im- 
mediately. 

If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the 
ball room, find your host and hostess, and speak first to 
them; if there are several ladies in the house, take the 
earliest opportunity of paying your respects to each of 
them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first 
dance. If she is already engaged, you should endeavor 
to engage her for a dance later in the evening, and are 
then at liberty to seek a partner amongst the guests. 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



93 



When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you 
should go to her a few moments before the set for which 
you have engaged her will be formed, that you may not 
be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. En- 
quire whether she prefers the head or side place in the 
set, and take the position she names. 

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, " Will 
you honor me w T ith your hand for a quadrille?" or, 
"Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" 
are more used now than " Shall I have the pleasure ?" or, 
" Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you ?" 

Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, 
and in the pauses between the figures endeavor to make 
the duty of standing still less tiresome by pleasant con- 
versation. Let the subjects be light, as you will be con- 
stantly interrupted by the figures in the dance. There 
is no occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk 
is more apropos, and agreeable than in a ball room. 

When the dance is over, offer your arm to your part- 
ner, and enquire whether she prefers to go immediately 
to her seat, or wishes to promenade. If she chooses 
the former, conduct her to her seat, stand near her a few 
moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen 
an opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to 
promenade, walk with her until she expresses a wish to 
sit down. Enquire, before you leave her, whether you 
can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, 
invite her to go in there with you. 

You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will 
certainly be appreciated, if, when a lady declines your 
invitation to dance on the plea of fatigue or fear of fa- 



94 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



tigue, you do not seek another partner, but remain with 
the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the 
pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater 
than that of dancing with another. 

Let your hostess understand that you are at her service 
for the evening, that she may have a prospect of giving 
her wall flowers a partner, and, however unattractive 
these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as agreeable 
to them as possible. 

Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. 
Then your principal attentions must be paid to her. 
You must call for her punctually at the hour she has ap- 
pointed, and it is your duty to provide the carriage. 
You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. 
A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the 
afternoon with your card, as, if you wait until evening, 
she may think you do not mean to present one, and pro- 
vide one for herself. 

When you arrive at your destination, leave the car- 
riage, and assist her in alighting ; then escort her to the 
lady's dressing-room, leave her at the door, and go to the 
gentlemen's dressing-room. As soon as you have ar- 
ranged your own dress, go again to the door of the 
lady's room, and wait until your companion comes out. 
Give her your left arm and escort her to the ball room; 
find the hostess and lead your companion to her. When 
they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, 
and then engage her for the first dance. Tell her that 
while you will not deprive others of the pleasure of 
dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing with her 
whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



95 



seeking a partner for any other set, see whether your 
lady is engaged or is ready to dance again with you. 
You must watch during the evening, and, while you do 
not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others 
from paying her attention, you must never allow her to 
be alone, but join her whenever others are not speaking 
to her. You must take her in to supper, and be ready 
to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do so. 

If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a 
near relative, it becomes your duty to see that every 
lady, young or old, handsome or ugly, is provided with a 
partner, though the oldest and ugliest may fall to your 
own share. 

Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master 
of the step, figure, and time of that dance. If you 
make a mistake you not only render yourself ridiculous, 
but you annoy your partner and the others in the set. 

If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote your- 
self entirely to any one lady. Divide your attentions 
amongst several, and never dance twice in succession 
with the same partner. 

To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing 
in a ball-room is a piece of impertinence for w T hich no 
lady of delicacy will thank you. 

When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank 
her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do 
not remain too long conversing with her. 

Give your partner your whole attention when dancing 
with her. To let your eyes wander round the room, or 
to make remarks betraying your interest in others, is 



96 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

not flattering, as she will not be unobservant of your 
want of taste. 

Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is 
an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to 
dance with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise 
when the time to redeem it comes. 

A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and white 
or very light kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A 
white waistcoat and cravat are sometimes worn, but this 
is a matter of taste. 

Never wait until the music commences before inviting 
a lady to dance with you. 

If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is 
seated near her to dance the same set. Do not go im- 
mediately to another lady, but chat a few moments with 
the one w T hom you first invited, and then join a group or 
gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking ano- 
ther partner. 

Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative 
rule. It is best to carry two pair, as in the contact with 
dark dresses, or in handing refreshments, you may soil 
the pair you wear on entering the room, and will thus 
be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by 
a soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip un- 
perceived from the room, change the soiled for a fresh 
pair, and then avoid that mortification. 

If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan 
in her hand, do not offer to carry them for her. If she 
finds they embarrass her, she will request you to hold 
them for her, but etiquette requires you not to notice 
them, unless she speaks of them first. 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 97 

Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more 
elegant to leave early, as staying too late gives others 
the impression that you do not often have an invitation 
to a ball, and must "make the most of it." 

Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the 
ladies have left, and then congregate in the supper-room, 
where they remain for hours, totally regardless of the 
fact that they are keeping the wearied host and his ser- 
vants from their rest. Never, as you value your reputa- 
tion as a gentleman of refinement, be among the number 
of these "hangers on." 

The author of a recent work on etiquette, published 
in England, gives the following hints for those who go 
to balls. He says : — 

" When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very 
politely, asking to be excused, as she does not wish to 
dance (' with you,' being probably her mental reserva- 
tion), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he 
should never press her to dance after one refusal. The 
set forms which Turveydrop would give for the invita- 
tion are too much of the deportment school to be used 
in practice. If you .know a young lady slightly, it is 
sufficient to say to her, 6 May I have the pleasure of 
dancing this waltz, &c, with you?' or if intimately, 
4 Will you dance, Miss A — V The young lady who has 
refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another 
for that dance ; and young ladies who do not wish to be 
annoyed, must take care not to accept two gentlemen 
for the same dance. In Germany such innocent blun- 
ders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at 
the same moment to claim the fair one's hand ; she vows 



98 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



she has not made a mistake ; c was sure she was engaged 
to Herr A — ? and not to Herr B- — Herr B— is equally 
certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness 
is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indif- 
ferent about it ; w T hile, if he presses his suit, he must 
quarrel with Herr A—, unless the damsel is clever 
enough to satisfy both of them ; and particularly if there 
is an especial interest in Herr B — , he yields at last, 
but when the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A — . 
Absurd as all this is, it is common, and I have often 
seen one Herr or the other walking about with a huge 
gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after 
a ball. 

4 6 Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The 
lady who was so very amiable to you last night, has a 
right to ignore your existence to-day. In fact, a ball 
room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until you 
have met at more balls than one. In the same way a 
man cannot, after being introduced to a young lady to 
dance with, ask her to do so more than twice in the 
same evening. A man may dance four or even five 
times with the same partner. On the other hand, a 
real well-bred man will wish to be useful, and there are 
certain people whom it is imperative on him to ask to 
dance — the daughters of the house, for instance, and 
any young ladies whom he may know intimately ; but 
most of all the well-bred and amiable man will sacrifice 
himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull looking beings 
who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After 
all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits re- 
viving at the unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



99 



pour out her best conversation, will dance her best, and 
will show him her gratitude in some way or other. 

"The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradu- 
ally dwindled away. At the end of every dance you 
offer your right arm to your partner, (if by mistake you 
offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty 
compliment, by reminding her that is le bras du cceur, 
nearest the heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at 
least, no worse than talking of a sunset and sunrise), 
and walk half round the room with her. You then ask 
her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, 
you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the 
refreshment room to be invigorated by an ice or negus, 
or what you will. It is judicious not to linger too long 
in this room, if you are engaged to some one else for 
the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing 
the music begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting 
that an expectant fair is sighing for you like Marianna — 

" He conieth not," she said. 
She said, " I am a-weary a- weary, 
I would I were in bed 

which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A 
well-bred girl, too, will remember this, and always offer 
to return to the ball room, however interesting the con- 
versation. 

"If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, 
nor in fact, much more than half the number on the list; 
you will then escape that hateful redness of face at the 
time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which are 
among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman 

/ 



100 gentleman's book of etiquette. 

must remember that a ball is essentially a lady's party, 
and in their presence he should be gentle and delicate 
almost to a fault, never pushing his way, apologizing if 
he tread on a dress, still more so if he tears it, begging 
pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, 
and addressing every body with a smile. But quite un- 
pardonable are those men whom one sometimes meets, 
who, standing in a door- way, talk and laugh as they 
would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, 
often indelicately. What must the state of their minds 
be, if the sight of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not 
awe them into silence ! A man, too, who strolls down 
the room with his head in the air, looking as if there 
were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill- 
bred man, so is he who looks bored ; and worse than all 
is he who takes too much champagne. 

" If you are dancing with a young lady when the sup- 
per-room is opened, you must ask her if she would like 
to go to supper, and if she says 'yes,' which, in 999 
cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must take 
her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the 
house will probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. 
However little you may relish this, you must not show 
your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be disgusted at 
being able to do anything for a lady ; it should be his 
highest privilege, but it is not — in these modern un chi- 
valrous days — perhaps never was so. Having placed 
your partner then at the supper-table, if there is room 
there, but if not at a side-table, or even at none, you 
must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, 
and as women take as long to settle their fancies in 



\ 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL KOOM. 



101 



edibles as in love-matters, you had better at once get 
her something substantial, chicken, pate de foie gras, 
mayonnaise ^ or what you will. Afterwards come jelly 
and trifle in due course. 

" A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to 
the supper-room — it is to be hoped not for the purpose 
of eating — but she should not do so with the same part- 
ner more than once. While the lady is supping you 
must stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, 
and the most you may take yourself is a glass of cham- 
pagne when you help her. You then lead her up stairs 
again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you 
may steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on 
your own account. As long, however, as there are many 
ladies still at the table, you have no right to begin. 
Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at sup- 
t per. Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and un- 
fortunately too many young men forget this in the pre- 
sent day. Lastly, be careful what you say and how 
you dance after supper, even more so than before it,, for 
if you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she 
may fancy that you have been too partial to strong fluids, 
and ladies never forgive that. It would be hard on the 
lady of the house if every body leaving a large ball thought 
it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small 
dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then 
that the pretty daughter of the house gives you that 
sweet smile of which you dream afterwards in a goose- 
berry nightmare of 6 tum-tum-tiddy-tum,' and waltzes d 
deux temps, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes, 



102 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 

flushed cheeks and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, 
my dear fellow, it will cure you. 

" I think flirtation comes under the head of morals 
more than of manners ; still I may be allowed to say 
that ball room flirtation being more open is less danger- 
ous than any other. A prudent man will never presume 
on a girl's liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever 
made an offer after supper, and certainly nine-tenths of 
those who have done so have regretted it at breakfast 
the next morning. 

" At public balls there are generally either three or 
four stewards on duty, or a professional master of cere- 
monies. These gentlemen having made all the arrange- 
ments, order the dances, and have power to change them 
if desirable. They also undertake to present young 
men to ladies, but it must be understood that such an 
introduction is only available for one dance. It is better 
taste to ask the steward to introduce you simply to a 
partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He 
will probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if 
not, you may be certain he will take you to an estab- 
lished wall-flower. Public balls are scarcely enjoyable 
unless you have your own party. 

"As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and 
harmony, all altercations, loud talking, &c, are doubly 
ill-mannered in a ball room. Very little suffices to dis- 
turb the peace of the whole company." 

The same author gives some hints upon dancing which 
are so excellent that I need make no apology for quoting 
them. He says : — 

" ' Thank you— aw — I do not dance/ is now a very 



ETIQUETTE E0R, THE BALL ROOM. 103 



common reply from a well-dressed, handsome man, who 
is leaning against the side of the door, to the anxious, 
heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a 
partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is 
not only common, but even regarded as rather a fine one 
to make. In short, men of the present day don't, won't, 
or can't dance ; and you can't make them do it, except 
by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot 
discover the reason for this aversion to an innocent 
amusement, for the apparent purpose of enjoying which 
they have spent an hour and a half on their toilet. 
There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, 
there is a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the 
closets into which the ball-giver crowds two hundred 
people, with a cruel indifference only equalled by that 
of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy 
themselves, when the ladies' dresses are crushed and 
torn, and the gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, 
are melting away almost as rapidly as the ices with which 
an occasional waiter has the heartlessness to insult 
them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be intro- 
duced to a succession of plain, uninteresting young 
women, of whose tastes, modes of life, &c, you have not 
the slightest conception : who may look gay, yet have 
never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, or 
appear to be serious, while they understand nothing 
but the opera and So-and-so's ball — in fact, to be in 
perpetual risk of ehher shocking their prejudices, or 
plaguing them with subjects in which they can have no 
possible interest ; to take your chance whether they can 
dance at all, and to know that when you have lighted on 



104 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



a real charmer, perhaps the beauty of the room, she is 
only lent to you for that dance, and, when that is over, 
and you have salaamed away again, you and she must re- 
main to one another as if you had never met ; to feel, 
in short, that you must destroy either your present com- 
fort or future happiness, is certainly sufficiently trying 
to keep a man close to the side-posts of the doorway. 
But these are reasons which might keep him altogether 
from a ball room, and, if he has these and other objec- 
tions to dancing, he certainly cannot be justified in com- 
ing to a place s set apart for that sole purpose. 

" But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, 
in most cases, the individual can dance and does dance 
at times, but has now a vulgar desire to be distinguished 
from the rest of his sex present, and to appear indiffer- 
ent to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his laudable 
desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and 
continue to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to 
his tree, and reply throughout the evening, 6 Thank you, 
I don't take refreshments ;' ' Thank you, I can't eat 
supper;' 6 Thank you, I don't talk;' ' Thank you, I 
don't drink champagne,'— for if a ball room be purga- 
tory, what a demoniacal conflict does a supper-room pre- 
sent ; if young ladies be bad for the heart, champagne 
is worse for the head. 

" No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is 
wanting, and to refuse to do so, unless for a really good 
reason, is not the part of a well-bred man. To mar the 
pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, and, though 
at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may 
be certain that there are some young ladies longing to 



ETIQUETTE EOR THE BALL ROOM. 



105 



dance, and expecting to be asked, and that the hostess 
is vexed and annoyed by seeing them fixed, like pictures, 
to the wall. It is therefore the duty of every man who 
has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear 
at balls, to learn how to dance. 

" In the present day the art is much simplified, and 
if you can walk through a quadrille, and perform a polka, 
waltz, or galop, you may often dance a whole evening 
through. Of course, if you can add* to these the 
Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have 
more variety, and can be more generally agreeable. 
But if your master or mistress [a man learns better from 
the former] has stulfed into your head some of the three 
hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing 
you can do is to forget them again. Whether right or 
wrong, the number of usual dances is limited, and un- 
usual ones should be very sparingly introduced into a ball, 
for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one 
hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, inter- 
rupts the enjoyment of the majority. 

" The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a con- 
versational dance, but, inasmuch as the figures are per- 
petually calling you away from your partner, the first 
necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied with a 
fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to 
subject like a bee from flower to flower. The next point 
is to carry yourself uprightly. Time was when — as in 
the days of the minuet cle la cour — the carriage consti- 
tuted the dance. This is still the case with the quad- 
rille, in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may 
acquit yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. After 



106 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



all, the most important figure is the smile, and the feet 
may be left to their fate, if we know what to do with 
our hands ; of which I may observe that they should 
never be pocketed. 

" The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to 
amuse, and nothing is more out of place in it than a 
gloomy scowl, unless it be an ill-tempered frown. The 
gaiety of a dance is more essential than the accuracy of 
its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at 
least, look pleased by that of those around you. A de- 
fiant manner is equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of 
mine always gives me the impression, when he advances 
in Vete, that he is about to box the lady who comes to 
meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the su- 
percilious manner. Dear me, if you really think you do 
your partner an honor in dancing with her, you should, 
at least, remember that your condescension is annulled 
by the manner in which you treat her. 

" A lady — beautiful word ! — is a delicate creature, one 
( who should be reverenced and delicately treated. It is, 
therefore, unpardonable to rush about in a quadrille, to 
catch hold of a lady's hand as if it were a door-handle, 
or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were 
Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet 
opposite to you. This brusque violent style of dancing 
is, unfortunately, common, but immediately stamps a 
man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual 
simper, you should certainly smile when you take a 
lady's hand, and the old custom of bowing in doing so, 
is one that we may regret ; for, does she not confer an 
honor on us by the action ? To squeeze it, on the other 



ETIQUETTE FOE THE BALL ROOM. 



107 



hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve 
to be kicked out of the room. 

" 6 Steps,' as the chasser of the quadrille is called, be- 
long to a past age, and even ladies are now content to 
walk through a quadrille. It is, however, necessary to 
keep time with the music, the great object being the 
general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, 
where the quadrille, as is now generally the case, is 
danced by two long lines of couples down the room, that 
in Vete, and other figures, in which a gentleman and lady 
advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen 
should advance from the one side, and, therefore, none 
but ladies from the other. 

u Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new 
figures, and the fashion of La Trenise and the Grande 
Ronde is repeatedly changing. It is wise to know the 
last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A quadrille 
cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the 
ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the 
dancers. It is therefore useful to know every way in 
which a figure may be danced, and to take your cue 
from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how 
even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille 
can help to mark caste, and give a handle for superci- 
lious sneers. Jones, the other day, was protesting that 
the Browns were ' vulgar.' Why so? they are well- 
bred.' 4 Yes, so they are.' 'They are well-informed.' 
6 Certainly.' 6 They are polite, speak good English, 
dress quietly and well, are graceful and even elegant." 
c I grant you all that.' 6 Then what fault can you find 
with them V My dear fellow, they are people who gal- 



108 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



lop round in the last figure of a quadrille/ lie replied, 
triumphantly. But to a certain extent Jones is right. 
Where a choice is given, the man of taste "will always 
select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance) 
the quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the 
Browns, if perfect in other respects, at least were want- 
ing in taste. There is one alteration lately introduced 
from France, which I sincerely trust, will be universally 
accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance 
called 4 setting' — where you dance before your partner 
somewhat like Man Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and 
then as if your feelings were overcome, seize her hands 
and whirl her round — has been finally abolished by a 
decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is given 
for conversation, and in a crowded room you have no 
occasion to crush yourself and partner between the cou- 
ples on each side of you. 

66 1 do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now 
walked, is ridiculous ; the figures, which might be grace- 
ful, if performed in a lively manner, have entirely lost 
their spirit, and are become a burlesque of dancing ; 
but, at the same time, it is a most valuable dance. Old 
and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy 
and active, stupid and clever, married and single, can all 
join in it, and have not only an excuse and opportunity 
for tete-a-tete, conversation, which is decidedly the easi- 
est, but find encouragement in the music, and in some 
cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A 
person of few ideas has time to collect them while the 
partner is performing, and one of many can bring them 
out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish to be polite 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



109 



or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, 
you can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case 
may be. 

" Very different in object and principle are the so- 
called round dances, and there are great limitations as 
to those who should join in them. Here the intention 
is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under peculiar 
conditions, and the conversation during the intervals of 
rest is only a secondary object. These dances demand 
activity and lightness, and should therefore be, as a rule, 
confined to the young. An old man sacrifices ail his 
dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in a 
waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impedi- 
ment, though some stout people prove to be the lightest 
dancers. 

" The morality of round dances scarcely comes within 
my province. They certainly can be made very indeli- 
cate ; so can any dance, and the French cancan proves 
that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the 
waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and 
sisters to suppose them capable of any but the most in- 
nocent and purest enjoyment in the dance, while of our 
young men I will say, that to the pure all things are 
pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whose 
mind evil thoughts must have arisen. Honi soit qui mal 
y pense. Those who rail against dancing are perhaps not 
aware that they do but follow in the steps of the Romish 
Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who 
have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never 
seen a dance, have laid a ban of excommunication on 
waltzing. A story was told to me in Normandy of the 



110 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest 
of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances. 
'I know nothing about them/ replied the prelate, 6 1 
have never seen a waltz.' Upon this the younger eccle- 
siastic attempted to explain what it was and wherein the 
danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. ' Will Mon- 
seigneur permit me to show him V asked the priest. 
6 Certainly. My chaplain here appears to understand the 
subject; let me see you two waltz/ How the reverend 
gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, 
but they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a trots- 
temps waltz. ' All these seem harmless enough/ 6 Oh ! 
but Monseigneur has not seen the worst;' and thereupon 
the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a valse 
d deux-temps. They must have murdered it terribly, for 
they were not half round the room when his Lordship 
cried out, ' Enough, enough, that is atrocious, and deserves 
excommunication.' Accordingly this waltz was forbid, 
while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public 
ball at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused 
to find the trois-temps danced with a peculiar shuffle, by 
way of compromise between conscience and pleasure. 

" There are people in this country whose logic is as 
good as that of the Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my 
inability to understand it. If there is impropriety in 
round dances, there is the same in all. But to the waltz, 
which poets have praised and preachers denounced. The 
French, with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, 
the English but little better; the Germans and Russians 
alone understand it. I could rave through three pages 
about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its grace 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



Ill 



and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you 
a few hints on the subject. 

u The position is the most important point. The lady 
and gentleman before starting should stand exactly op- 
posite to one another, quite upright, and not, as is so 
common, painfully close to one another. If the man's 
hand be placed where it should be, at the centre of the 
lady's waist, and not all round it, he will have as firm a 
hold and not be obliged to stoop, or bend to his right. 
The lady's head should then be turned a little towards 
her left shoulder, and her partner's somewhat less to- 
wards his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. 
Nothing can be more atrocious than to see a lady lay 
her head on her partner's shoulder ; but, on the other 
hand, she will not dance well, if she turns it in the oppo- 
site direction. The lady again should throw her head 
and shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very 
little forward. 

" The position having been gained, the step is the 
next question. In Germany the rapidity of the waltz is 
very great, but it is rendered elegant by slackening the 
pace every now and then, and thus giving a crescendo 
and decrescendo time to the movement. The Kussian 
men undertake to perform in w 7 altzing the same feat as 
the Austrians in riding, and will dance round the room 
with a glass of champagne in the left hand without spill- 
ing a drop. This evenness in waltzing is certainly very 
graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding step, 
which is little practised where the rooms are small, and 
people, not understanding the real pleasure of dancing 
well, insist on dancing all at the same time. In Ger- 



L 



112 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 

many they are so alive to the necessity of ample space, 
that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room ; its 
two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies pro- 
tern., and as one couple stops and retires, another is al- 
lowed to pass under the rope and take its place. But 
then in Germany they dance for the dancing's sake. 
However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, 
and all the abominations which militate against it, such 
as hop-waltzes, the Schottische, and ridiculous Varso- 
vienne, are justly put down in good society. The pace, 
again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger other 
couples. It is the gentleman's duty to steer, and in 
crowded rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep 
his eyes open and turn them in every direction, if he 
would not risk a collision, and the chance of a fall, or 
what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner's 
arm. I have seen a lady's arm cut open in such a col- 
lision by the bracelet of that of another lady ; and the 
sight is by po means a pleasant one in a ball room, to 
say nothing of a new dress covered in a moment with 
blood. 

"The consequences of violent dancing may be really 
serious. Not only do delicate girls bring on, thereby, a 
violent palpitation of the heart, and their partners ap- 
pear in a most disagreeable condition of solution, but 
dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances, 
of a lady's head being laid open, and a gentleman's foot 
being broken in such a fall, resulting, poor fellow ! in 
lameness for life. 

" It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltz- 
ing in this country, where ladies allow themselves to be 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 113 

almost hugged by their partners, and where men think 
it necessary to lift a lady almost off the ground, but I 
am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry 
against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. 
Nothing can be more delicate than the way in which a 
German holds his partner. It is impossible to dance on 
the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are quite free 
of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no further 
round her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, 
hers, no higher than to his elbow. Thus danced, the 
waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, and we could 
never in Germany complain of our daughter's languish- 
ing on a young man's shoulder. On the other hand, 
nothing is more graceless and absurd than to see a man 
waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his partner off 
the ground, or twirling round and round with her like 
the figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in 
time is to be able to stamp the time with the left foot. 
A good flat-foot waltzer can dance on one foot, as well as 
on two, but I would not advise him to try it in public, 
lest, like Mr. Rarey's horse on three legs, he should 
come to the ground in a luckless moment. The legs 
should be very little bent in dancing, the body still less 
so. I do not know whether it be worse to see a man sit 
down in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked for- 
ward over your young wife's shoulder, hot, red, wild, and 
in far too close proximity to the partner of your bosom, 
whom he makes literally the partner of his own. 

a The 'Lancers' are a revival, after many long years, 
and, perhaps, we may soon have a drawing-room adapta- 
tion of the Morris-dance. 
8 



114 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



a The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to 
give to those who wish to dance the polka may be 
summed up in one word, 'don't/ Not so with the galop. 
The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all 
round dances, and there is, therefore, little to add with 
regard to the galop, except that it is a great mistake to 
suppose it to be a rapid dance. It should be danced as 
slowly as possible. It will then be more graceful and 
less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany 
and on the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much 
danced, and is certainly very graceful. The remarks on 
the quadrille apply equally to the lancers, which are great 
favorites, and threaten to take the place of the former. 
The schottische, hop-waltz, redow T a, varsovienne, cellarius, 
and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer 
danced in good society. 

" The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, 
makes even the swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. 
Vehemence may be excused at an election, but not in a 
ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very clever 
young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with 
books, managed to dance so well. ' I enjoy it/ she re- 
plied; 'and when I dance I give my whole mind to it.' 
And she w 7 as quite right. Whatever is worth doing at 
all, is worth doing well ; and if it is not beneath your 
dignity to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to 
give itself, for the time, wholly up to it. You will never 
enjoy dancing till you do it well ; and, if you do not 
enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, 
if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have 
not been ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, has 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 



115 



written on its utility, and speaks of it as manly, which 
was certainly not Michal's opinion, when she looked out 
of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and 
playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned 
the Athenian polka of the day when quite an old gentle- 
man, and liked it very much. Some one has even gone 
the length of calling it 'the logic of the body;' and 
Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a 
disquisition." 



116 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER VII. 

DKESS. 

Between the sloven and the coxcomb there is gene- 
rally a competition which shall be the more contemptible : 
the one in the total neglect of every thing which might 
make his appearance in public supportable, and the 
other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. 
The former offends by his negligence and dirt, and the 
latter by his finery and perfumery. Each entertains a 
supreme contempt for the other, and while both are 
right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. 
It is not in either extreme that the man of real elegance 
and refinement will be shown, but in the happy medium 
which allows taste and judgment to preside over the 
wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great an 
attention to either, and never allows personal appearance 
to become the leading object of life. 

The French have a proverb, " It is not the cowl which 
makes the monk," and it might be said with equal truth, 
"It is not the dress which makes the gentleman," yet, 
as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the true 
gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and educa- 
tion be seen in his dress. 

The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters 



DRESS. 



117 



of dress, should be, "Let the dress suit the occasion. " 
It is as absurd for a man to go into the street in 
the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, and 
dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade 
the fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the 
same man to present himself in the ball-room with heavy 
walking-boots, a great coat, and riding-cap. 

It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentle- 
man to exercise his taste for coloring, in the black and 
w T hite dress which fashion so imperatively declares to be 
the proper dress for a dress occasion. He may indulge 
in light clothes in the street during the warm months of 
the year, but for the ball or evening party, black and 
white are the only colors (or no colors) admissible, and 
in the midst of the gay dresses of the ladies, the unfortu- 
nate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon who 
has found his way into Paradise among the angels. 
N'importe I Men should be useful to the women, and 
how can they be better employed than acting as a foil 
for their loveliness of face and dress ! 

Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make 
himself agreeable, even in the earthly Paradise, a ball- 
room. He can rise above the mourning of his coat, to 
the joyousness of the occasion, and make himself valued 
for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired 
for his wit, not his toilette ; his elegance and refinement, 
not the price of his clothes. 

There is another good rule for the dressing-room : 
While you are engaged in dressing give your whole 
attention to it. See that every detail is perfect, and 
that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of 



118 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



your hair to the tip of your boot, let all be perfect in its 
make and arrangement, but, as soon as you have left 
your mirror, forget your dress. Nothing betokens the 
coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man always fuss- 
ing about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing 
with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar^ or arrang- 
ing the bow of his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt 
to alter any part of your costume until you are again in 
the dressing-room. 

In a gentleman's dress any attempt to be conspicuous 
is in excessively bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the 
luxury of your dress consist in the fine quality of each 
article, and in the spotless purity of gloves and linen, 
but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous 
on account of its money value. Simplicity should always 
preside over the gentleman's wardrobe. 

Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccen- 
tricity or oddity in your costume, but avoid the extreme 
of the prevailing mode. If coats are worn long, yours 
need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours may 
still have some fitness for your figure ; if pantaloons are 
cut large over the boot, yours need not cover the whole 
foot, if they are tight, you may still take room to walk. 
Above all, let your figure and style of face have some 
weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. 
For a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed 
hat, long-tailed coat, and tight pantaloons, with a pointed 
beard and hair brushed up from the forehead, is not 
more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the 
street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants. 



DRESS. 



119 



and the latter made of large plaid material, and yet bur- 
lesques quite as broad may be met with every day. 

An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, 
says : — 

" To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six 
pairs of gloves in a day : 

a In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in 
reindeer gloves. 

" In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin. 

" To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves. 

" Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, co- 
lored kid gloves, dark. 

" When he dines out, colored kid, gloves, light. 

"For the ball-room, white kid gloves." 

Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a 
most extravagant sum. 

In order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed 
man, you must pay attention, not only to the more pro- 
minent articles of your wardrobe, coat, pants, and vest, 
but to the more minute details. A shirtfront which fits 
badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a 
badly brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fit- 
ting boot, will spoil the most elaborate costume. Purity 
of skin, teeth, nails ; well brushed hair ; linen fresh and 
snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest material, 
if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material 
of cloth, if these details are neglected. 

Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, 
nails, ears, and hair, are indispensable to a finished 
toilette. 



120 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



Use but very little perfume, much, of- it is in bad 
taste. 

Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always per- 
fectly smooth, well arranged, and scrupulously clean. 

It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, 
or very soft brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is 
no dentifrice so good as White Castile Soap. 

Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and are 
fresh and whole. Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a 
costume otherwise faultless. 

Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be 
careful to dress according to your means. Too great 
saving is meanness, too great expense is extravagance. 

A young man may follow the fashion farther than a 
middle-aged or elderly man, but let him avoid going to 
the extreme of the mode, if he would not be taken for 
an empty headed fop. 

It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of coarse 
broadcloth which fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, 
will make a more elegant dress than the finest material 
badly made. 

Avoid eccentricity ; it marks, not the man of genius, 
but the fool. ( 

A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always 
worn in the street. 

White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full 
dress. 

A snuff box, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, 
and one ring are all the jewelry a well-dressed man can 
wear. 



DRESS. 



121 



An English author, in a recent work, gives the follow- 
ing rules for a gentleman's dress : 

" The best bath for general purposes, and one which 
can do little harm, and almost always some good, is a 
sponge bath. It should consist of a large, flat metal 
basin, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold water. 
Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. 
A large, coarse sponge — the coarser the better — will cost 
another five or seven shillings, and a few Turkish towels 
complete the ; properties.' The water should be plenti- 
ful and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before the 
bath is to be used ; not placed over night in the bed- 
room. Let us wash and be merry, for we know not how 
soon the supply of that precious article which here costs 
nothing may be cut off. In many continental towns 
they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage 
the ration is often reduced to half a pint a day for all 
purposes, so that a pint per diem is considered luxurious. 
Sea-water, we may here observe, does not cleanse, and 
a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath of 
pure water immediately after it. This practice is shame- 
fully neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many 
cases a sea-bath will do more harm than good without 
it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, cannot but be ad- 
vantageous. 

" Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary pur- 
poses, we must point out some rules in its use. The 
sponge being nearly a foot in length, and six inches 
broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and 
the part of the body which should be first attacked is 
the stomach. It is there that the most heat has col- 



122 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



lected during the night, and the application of cold 
water quickens the circulation at once, and sends the 
blood which has been employed in digestion round the 
whole body. The head should next be soused, unless 
the person be of full habit, when the head should be at- 
tacked before the'feet touch the cold water at all. Some 
persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less power- 
ful than the common shower bath, and does almost as much 
good. The use of soap in the morning bath is an open 
question. I confess a preference for a rough towel, or 
a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and ap- 
plied it for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning. 

"The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the 
body, and athletic exercises. The former is a mistake ; 
the latter, an excellent practice, shamefully neglected in 
the present day. It would conduce much to health and 
strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous 
use of the dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the 
arms without them. The best plan of all is, to choose 
some object in your bed-room on which to vent your 
hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till 
the perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be 
again applied to the whole body. It is very desirable 
to remain without clothing as long as possible, and I 
should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet 
which can conveniently be performed without dressing, 
should be so 

" The next duty, then, must be to clean the Teeth. 
Dentists are modern inquisitors, but their torture-rooms 
are meant only for the foolish. Everybody is born with 
good teeth, and everybody might keep them good by a 



DRESS. 



123 



proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. 
Of the two the former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. 
Nothing ruins the teeth so soon as sugar in one's tea, 
and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as it is le 
premier pas qui coute, these should be particularly 
avoided in childhood. When the teeth attain their fujl 
growth and strength it takes much more to destroy either 
their enamel or their substance. 

"It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first 
seen, and it is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath 
depends. If I may not say that it is a Christian duty 
to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, remind you 
that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing 
so. Let words be what they may, if they come with an 
impure odor, they cannot please. The butterfly loves 
the scent of the rose more than its honey. 

"The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as 
outside, and the back teeth even more than the front. 
The mouth should then be rinsed, if not seven times, ac- 
cording to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, 
with fresh, cold water. This same process should be re- 
peated several times a day, since eating, smoking, and 
so forth, naturally render the teeth and mouth dirty 
more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, particularly 
to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than 
that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first 
approach whether you have been drinking or smoking. 
But, if only for your own comfort, you should brush 
your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite 
requisite for the preservation of their soundness and 
color; while, if you are to mingle with others, they 



124 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

should be brushed, or, at least, the mouth well rinsed 
after every meal, still more after smoking, or drinking 
wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attrac- 
tiveness can compensate for an offensive odor in the 
breath; and none of the senses is so fine a gentleman, 
none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of smell. 

" Strict attention must be paid to the condition of the 
nails, and that both as regards cleaning and cutting. 
The former is best done with a liberal supply of soap on 
a small nail-brush, which should be used before every 
meal, if you would not injure your neighbor's appetite. 
While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen- 
knife or pair of stumpy nail-scissors should be passed 
under the nails so as to remove every vestige of dirt ; 
the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that the 
white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed 
with the knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the 
nails should be filed, and the hard skin which forms 
round the corners of them cut away. The important 
point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of 
their shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth pre- 
serving, I have already remarked, and we may study it 
as much in paring our nails, as in the grace of our atti- 
tudes, or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail 
should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. 
The length of the nail is an open question. Let it be 
often cut, but always long, in my opinion. Above all, 
let it be well cut, and never bitten. 

" Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. De- 
tails, yes, but not childish. The attention to details is 
the true sign of a great mind, and he who can in neces- 



DRESS. 



125 



sity consider the smallest, is the same man who can com- 
pass the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? 
Must not the artist who has conceived a picture, descend 
from the dream of his mind to mix colors on a palette? 
Must not the great commander who is bowling down na- 
tions and setting up monarchies care for the health and 
comfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier ? 
I have often seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, 
counting on his fingers the feet of his verses, and fret- 
ting with anything but poetic language, because he could 
not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his 
nails were dirty ? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and 
philosophers dogmatize on order. If they do not keep 
their nails clean, I shall call them both charlatans. The 
man who really loves beauty will cultivate it in every- 
thing around him. The man who upholds order is not 
conscientious if he cannot observe it in his nails. The 
great mind can afford to descend to details ; it is only 
the weak mind that fears to be narrowed by them. 
When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand 
four-poster of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, 
in his little camp-bed. The power to be little is a proof 
of greatness. 

" For the hands, ears, and neck we want something 
more than the bath, and, as these parts are exposed and 
really lodge fugitive pollutions, we cannot use too much 
soap, or give too much trouble to their complete purifi- 
cation. Nothing is lovelier than a woman's small, white, 
shell-like ear ; few things reconcile us better to earth 
than the cold hand and warm heart of a friend ; but, to 
complete the charm, the hand should be both clean and 



126 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 

soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the nail-brush, and 
no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more effectu- 
ally than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of 
wearing gloves I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak 
people who are troubled with chilblains, they are indis- 
pensable all the year round. I will add a good pre- 
scription for the cure of chilblains, which are both a 
disfigurement, and one of the petites miseres of human 
life. 

" 6 Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up 
well, and dip them twice or thrice a day in a mixture, 
consisting of half a fluid ounce of tincture of capsicum, 
and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.' 

" The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and 
added a fresh misery to the days of man. 

" Whatever Punch may say, the moustache and beard 
movement is one in the right direction, proving that men 
are beginning to appreciate beauty and to acknowledge 
that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing to 
hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, 
and find them indulging in the hideous 6 Newgate frill' 
as a kind of compromise between the beard and the 
razor. There was a time when it was thought a pre- 
sumption and vanity to wear one's own hair instead of 
the frightful elaborations of the wig-makers, and the 
false curls which Sir Godfrey Kneller did his best to 
make graceful on canvas. Who knows that at some fu- 
ture age some Punch of the twenty-first century may 
not ridicule the wearing of one's own teeth instead of 
the dentist's ? At any rate Nature knows best, and no 
man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the 



DRESS. 



127 



hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I 
shall only speak from necessity, because, until everybody 
is sensible on this point, they will still be used. 

" Napoleon shaved himself. C A born king,' said he, 
'has another to shave him. A made king can use his 
own razor.' But the war he made on his chin was very 
different to that he made on foreign potentates. He 
took a very long time to effect it, talking between whiles 
to his hangers-on. The great man, however, was right, 
and every sensible man will shave himself, if only as an 
exercise of character, for a man should learn to live, in 
every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most 
cases, we shave ourselves better than barbers can do. 
If we shave at all, we should do it thoroughly, and every 
morning. Nothing, except a frown and a hay-fever, 
makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with 
short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a 
large, soft brush of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap 
that will not dry rapidly, and a steady hand. Cheap 
razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and no 
amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs 
no strop. If you can afford it, you should have a case 
of seven razors, one for each day of the week, so that 
no one shall be too much used. There are now much 
used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to 
wipe the razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a 
substitute for the strop. 

" Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been 
most important additions to the face. In the present 
day literary men are much given to their growth, and in 
that respect show at once their taste and their vanity. 



128 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kept 
and not fantastically cut. The moustache should be 
kept within limits. The Hungarians wear it so long that 
they can tie the ends round their heads. The style of 
the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad 
face should wear a large, full one ; a long face is improved 
by a sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote 
verses on the various styles, and they are almost num- 
berless. The chief point is to keep the beard well-combed 
and in neat trim. 

"As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve 
a pair of full length. There is certainly a great vanity 
about them, but it may be generally said that foppishness 
should be avoided in this as in most other points. Above 
all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled out to 
an absurd length. Still worse is it to 'cut them close with 
the scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too 
large, and such fopperies as cutting the points thereof, 
or twisting them up to the fineness of needles — though 
patronized by the Emperor of the French — are decidedly 
a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face 
which nature has given him, in the manner that nature 
distributes it, keeps it clean, and prevents its overgrowth, 
he cannot do wrong. All extravagances are vulgar, 
because they are evidence of a pretence to being better 
than you are ; but a single extravagance unsupported is 
perhaps worse than a number together, which have at 
least the merit of consistency. If you copy puppies in 
the half-yard of whisker, you should have their dress 
and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly 
absurd. 



DRESS. 



129 



" The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the 
hair in men, which should be as simple and as natural as 
possible, but at the same time a little may be granted to 
beauty and the requirements of the face. For my part 
I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though 
undoubtedly it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, 
while its arrangement would demand an amount of time 
and attention which is unworthy of a man. But every 
nation and every age has had a different custom in this 
respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is some- 
times worn long. The German student is particularly 
partial to hyacinthine locks curling over a black velvet 
coat ; and the peasant of Brittany looks very handsome, 
if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight 
down under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has gene- 
rally taken up the matter severely. The old fathers 
preached and railed against wigs, the Calvinists raised 
an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and 
English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable 
place every man who allowed his hair to grow according 
to nature. The Romans condemned tresses as unmanly, 
and in France in the middle ages the privilege to wear 
them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was 
a revival of the French revolution, so that in this re- 
spect we are now republican as well as puritanical. 

If we conform to fashion we should at least make the 
best of it, and since the main advantage of short hair is 
its neatness, we should take care to keep ours neat. 
This should be done first by frequent visits to the barber, 
for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very short, 
and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled 



130 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



masses sticking out over the ears. If it curls naturally 
so much the better, but if not it will be easier to keep in 
order. The next point is to wash the head every morn- 
ing, which, when once habitual, is a great preservative 
against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as 
your case requires, should be used, not to hammer the 
head with, but to pass up under the hair so as to reach 
the roots. As to pomatum, Macassar, and other inven- 
tions of the hair-dresser, I have only to say that, if used 
at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently 
to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course 
the arrangement will be a matter of individual taste,, but 
as the middle of the hair is the natural place for a part- 
ing, it is rather a silly prejudice to think a man vain who 
parts his hair in the centre. lie is less blamable than 
one who is too lazy to part it all, and has always the 
appearance of having just got up. 

" Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and 
sermons since the days of the Roman Emperors, I shall 
say nothing here except that they are a practical false- 
hood which may sometimes be necessary, but is rarely 
successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life's 
winter to the best made peruke, and even a bald head to 
an inferior wig. 

" When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use 
of their legs, an esquire was a necessity ; and we can 
understand that, in the days of the Beaux, the word 
" gentleman" meant a man and his valet. I am glad to 
say that in the present day it only takes one man to 
make a gentleman, or, at most, a man and a ninth — 
that is, including the tailor. It is an excellent thing 



DRESS. 131 

for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man 
neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the same 
temptation sooner or later in his person. A dressing-case 
is, therefore, a desideratum. A closet to hang up cloth 
clothes, which should never be folded, and a small dress- 
ing-room next to the bed-room, are not so easily attain- 
able. - But the man who throws his clothes about the 
room, a boot in one corner, a cravat in another, and his 
brushes anywhere, is not a man of good habits. The 
spirit of order should extend to everything about him. 

" This brings me to speak of certain necessities of 
dress ; the first of which I shall take is appropriateness. 
The age of the individual is an important consideration 
in this respect ; and a man of sixty is as absurd in the 
style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of 
Brummell's day. I know a gallant colonel who is mas- 
ter of the ceremonies in a gay watering-place, and who, 
afraid of the prim old-fashioned tournure of his confreres 
in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is gray 
and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, 
the ' peg-top' continuations, and a turned-down collar. 
It may be what younger blades will wear when they 
reach his age, but in the present day the effect is ridicu- 
lous. We may, therefore, give as a general rule, that 
after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the 
changes of fashion in his own attire, while he avoids 
complaining of it in the young. In the latter, on the 
other hand, the observance of these changes must de- 
pend partly on his taste and partly on his position. If 
w T ise, he will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which 
improve the grace, the ease, the healthfulness, and the con- 



132 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

venience of his garments. He will be glad of greater free- 
dom in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots with elastic sides 
instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the privilege 
to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid 
as extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on 
the w T aistcoat, and expensive buttons. On the other 
hand, whatever his age, he will have some respect to his 
profession and position in society. He will remember 
how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment 
of his character, and this test, which has often been cried 
down, is in reality no bad one ; for a man who does not 
dress appropriately evinces a want of what is most ne- 
cessary to professional men — tact and discretion. 

" Position in society demands appropriateness. Well 
knowing the worldly value of a good coat, I would yet 
never recommend a man of limited means to aspire to 
a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes 
thereby a walking falsehood ; in the second, he cannot, 
without running into debt, which is another term for dis- 
honesty, maintain the style he has adopted. As he can- 
not afford to change his suits as rapidly as fashion alters, 
he must avoid following it in varying details. He will 
rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being 
fashionable, and before his coat is worn out, the next 
month will bring in a narrow sleeve. We cannot, unfor- 
tunately, like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak now-a- 
days to the tailor's, to be cut into a short one, 'long 
cloaks being now quite out,' as he tells us. Even when 
there is no poverty in the case, our position must not 
be forgotten. The tradesman will w T in neither customers 
nor 'friends by adorning himself in the mode of the club- 



DRESS. 



133 



lounger, and the clerk, or commercial traveler, -who 
dresses fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to 
his antecedents, which he may not care to have investi- 
gated. In general, it may be said that there is vulgarity 
in dressing like those of a class above us, since it must 
be taken as a proof of pretension. 

" As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town 
among the provincials, who know nothing of them, it is 
worse taste to display the dress of a city in the quiet 
haunts of the rustics. The law, that all attempts at dis- 
tinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, 
would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions 
in the country. 

" While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of 
dress is both admissible and desirable in the country, 
there are many occasions of country visiting where a 
town man finds it difficult to decide. It is almost pecu- 
liar to the country to unite the amusements of the day- 
time with those of the evening ; of the open air with 
those of the drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when 
the days are long, you will be asked to a pic-nic or an 
archery party, which will wind up with dancing in-doors, 
and may even assume the character of a ball. If you 
are aware of this beforehand, it will always be safe to 
send your evening dress to your host's house, and you 
will learn from the servants whether others have done 
the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singu- 
lar in asking leave to change your costume. But if you 
are ignorant how the day is to end, you must be guided 
partly by the hour of invitation, and partly by the ex- 
tent of your intimacy with the family. I have actually 



134 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in 
complete evening dress, and pitied them with all my 
heart, compelled as they were to suffer, in tight black 
clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and dance after 
all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you are 
asked to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in 
summer, in the autumn after five, you cannot err by 
appearing in evening dress. It is always taken as a 
compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your 
hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do 
otherwise. In any case you desire to avoid singularity, 
so that if you can discover what others who are invited 
intend to wear, you can always decide on your own 
attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these 
matters ; never appear after four in the afternoon in 
morning dress ; but then gray trousers are there allowed 
instead of black, and white waistcoats are still worn in 
the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a com- 
promise between the two styles of costume, and if you 
are likely to be called upon to dance in the evening, it 
will be well to wear thin boots, a black frock-coat, and 
a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair of clean white 
gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least less 
conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed 
suit. 

"Not so the distinction to be made according to size. 
As a rule, tall men require long clothes — some few per- 
haps even in the nurse's sense of those words — and short 
men short clothes. On the other hand, Falstaff should 
beware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, 
while Peter Schlemihl, and the whole race of thin men, 



DRESS. 



135 



must eschew looseness as much in their garments as their 
morals. 

" Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different 
occasions, and as this is an important subject, I shall 
treat of it separately. For the present it is sufficient to 
point out that, while every man should avoid not only 
extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary 
occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to 
pay more attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. 
Of course, the evenings are not here meant. For even- 
ing dress there is a fixed rule, from which we can depart 
only to be foppish or vulgar ; but in morning dress there 
is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with 
those who are assembled avowedly for gayety, we should 
not make ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our 
dress. Such occasions are open air entertainments, 
fetes, flower-shows, archery-meetings, matinees, and id 
genus omne, where much of the pleasure to be derived de- 
pends on the general effect on the enjoyers, and where, 
if we cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at 
least, if we go at all, wear the semblance of it in our 
dress. I have a worthy little friend, who, I believe, is 
as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury himself, 
but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy 
about him, frequents the gay meetings to which he is 
asked in an old coat and a wide-awake. Some people 
take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he does not 
aspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but he 
is too good-mannered for that ; others, poor man ! pro- 
nounce him a cynic, and all are agreed that whatever 
he may be, he looks out of place, and spoils the general 



136 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the mildest of 
men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than 
once a day. At any rate, he has a character for eccen- 
tricity, which, I am sure, is precisely what he would wish 
to avoid. That character is a most delightful one for a 
bachelor, and it is generally Coelebs who holds it, for it 
has been proved by statistics that there are four single 
to one married man among the inhabitants of our mad- 
houses; but eccentricity yields a reputation which re- 
quires something to uphold it, and even in Diogenes of 
the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into 
Plato's evening party without sandals, and nothing but 
a dirty tunic on him. 

"Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with 
which I may couple harmony of color. This simplicity 
is the only distinction which a man of taste should as- 
pire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in ap- 
pearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One 
should not be simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. 
Lord Castlereah would never have been pronounced the 
most distinguished man in the gay court of Vienna, be- 
cause he wore no orders or ribbons amoDg hundreds 
decorated with a profusion of those vanities, but because 
besides this he was dressed with taste. The charm of 
BrummelFs dress was its simplicity ; yet it cost him as 
much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a min- 
ister. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules 
of taste. All extravagance, all splendor, and all pro- 
fusion must be avoided. The colors, in the first place, 
must harmonize both with our complexion and with one 
another ; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair. 



DRESS. 



137 



All bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, 
sky-blue, and bright green. Perhaps only a successful 
Australian gold digger would think of choosing such 
colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers ; but there are 
hundreds of young men who might select them for their 
gloves and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some how 
or other, more manly, and are certainly less striking. 
The same simplicity should be studied in the avoidance 
of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion 
to trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. 
This is an example of fashions always to be rebelled 
against. Then, too, extravagance in the form of our 
dress is a sin against taste. I remember that long rib- 
bons took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a 
commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a 
figure in this matter, having little else to distinguish 
them. The one wore two yards of bright pink ; the 
other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round 
their necks. I have reason to believe they think now 
that they both looked superbly ridiculous. In the same 
way, if the trousers are worn wide, we should not wear 
them as loose as a Turk's ; or, if the sleeves are to be 
open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And 
so on through a hundred details, generally remembering 
that to exaggerate a fashion is to assume a character, 
and therefore vulgar. The wearing of jewelry comes 
under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, 
but a blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy 
or a love of display. The hand of a man is honored in 
working, for labor is his mission ; and the hand that 
wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked honestly 



138 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



to win them. The best jewel a man can wear is his 
honor. Let that be bright and shining, well set in pru- 
dence, and all others must darken before it. But as we 
are savages, and must have some silly trickery to hang 
about us, a little, but very little concession may be made 
to our taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I 
disadvise you from the use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and 
hat-bands studded with jewels; for when I see an incred- 
ulous young man of the nineteenth century, dangling 
from his watch-chain a dozen silly 6 charms' (often the 
only ones he possesses), which have no other use than to 
give a fair coquette a legitimate subject on which to ap- 
proach to closer intimacy, and which are revived from 
the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes 
darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some 
South African chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, 
might introduce with success the most peculiar fashions 
of his own country. However this may be, there are al- 
ready sufficient extravagances prevalent among our 
young men to attack. 

" The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as 
possible. One handsome signet-ring on the little finger 
of the left hand, a scarf-pin which is neither large, nor 
showy, nor too intricate in its design, and a light, rather 
thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that he ought 
to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should 
observe the following rules : — 

" 1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is 
not only a practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since 
its use arises from an attempt to appear richer or grander 
than its wearer is. 



DRESS. 



139 



6i 2. Let it be simple. Elaborate studs, waistcoat-but- 
tons, and wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, par- 
ticularly, should be as plain as possible, consisting of plain 
gold ovals, with, at most, the crest engraved upon them. 
Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable to men, 
whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you 
happen to possess a single diamond of great value you 
may wear it on great occasions as a ring, but no more 
than one ring should ever be worn by a gentleman. 

u 3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than 
its brilliance. An antique or bit of old jewelry pos- 
sesses more interest, particularly if you are able to tell 
its history, than the most splendid production of the 
goldsmith's shop. 

"4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress. 

" 5. Let it have some use. Men should never, like 
women, wear jewels for mere ornament, whatever may 
be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and deposed In- 
dian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies. 

"The precious stones are reserved for ladies, and 
even our scarf-pins are more suitable without them. 

"The dress that is both appropriate and simple can 
never offend, nor render its wearer conspicuous, though 
it may distinguish him for his good taste. But it will 
not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We cannot 
quarrel with a poor gentleman's thread-bare coat, if his 
linen be pure, and we see that he has never attempted 
to dress beyond his means or unsuitably to his station. 
But the sight of decayed gentility and dilapidated fashion 
may call forth our pity, and, at the same time prompt a 
moral: 6 You have evidently sunken;' we say to our- 



140 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



selves ; 'But whose fault was it? Am I not led to sup- 
pose that the extravagance which you evidently once 
revelled in has brought you to what I now see you?' 
While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it will 
be a consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy 
tailor's bill, to reflect that a visible newness in one's 
clothes is as bad as patches and darns, and to remember 
that there have been celebrated dressers who would never 
put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three 
times by their valets. On the other hand,, there is no 
excuse for untidiness, holes in the boots, a broken hat, 
torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to wear no 
gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing 
to be ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and 
the poor can still afford to have their shirts and shoes 
mended, and their hats ironed. It is certainly better to 
show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you need 
sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn. 

" Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length 
that little need be said on that of the clothes. If you 
are economical with your tailor, you can be extravagant 
with your laundress. The beaux of forty years back 
put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one 
is sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the 
evening you must change your shirt too. There has 
been a great outcry against colored flannel shirts in the 
place of linen, and the man who can wear one for three 
days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Sty- 
lites. I should like to know how often the advocates of 
linen change their own under -flannel, and whether the 
same rule does not apply to w T hat is seen as to what is 



DRESS. 141 

concealed. But while the flannel is perhaps healthier 
as absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has 
the advantage of looking cleaner, and may therefore be 
preferred. As to economy, if the flannel costs less to 
wash, it also wears out sooner ; but, be this as it may, a 
man's wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or 
so of these shirts, which he will find most useful, and ten 
times more comfortable than linen in long excursions, or 
when exertion will be required. Flannel, too, has the 
advantage of being warm in winter and cool in summer, 
for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it pro- 
tects the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, 
shields it from the cold. But the best shirt of all, par- 
ticularly in winter, is that which wily monks and her- 
mits pretended to wear for a penance, well knowing that 
they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, 
or more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair- 
shirt. Like flannel, it is a non-conductor of heat ; but 
then, too, it acts the part of a shampooer, and with its 
perpetual friction soothes the surface of the skin, and 
prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one 
point of the body. Though I doubt if any of my read- 
ers will take a hint from the wisdom of the merry an- 
chorites, they will perhaps allow me to suggest that the 
next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and that 
too of the coarsest description. 

" Quantity is better than quality in linen. Neverthe- 
less it should be fine and well spun. The loose cuff, 
which we borrowed from the French some four years 
ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, 
and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything 



142 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



which binds any part of the body tightly impedes the 
circulation, and is therefore unhealthy as well as un- 
graceful. 

" The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on 
a rule far bettter than BrummeH's, of three shirts a day, 
viz : — 

" Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty. 

" This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, 
pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No 
rule can be laid down 1 for the number we should wear 
per week, for everything depends on circumstances. 
Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean 
than in town ; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks 
get soon dirty and must be changed ; or, if we have a 
cold, to say nothing of the possible but not probable 
case of tear-shedding on the departure of friends, we 
shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per 
diem. In fact, the last article of modern civilization is 
put to so many uses, is so much displayed, and liable to 
be called into action on so many various engagements, 
that we should always have a clean one in our pockets. 
Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead ? 
Who can tell how often the corner of the delicate cam- 
bric will have to represent a tear which, like difficult 
passages in novels is 'left to the imagination.' Can a 
man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for in- 
stance, and listen to her woes, without at least pulling 
out that expressive appendage? Can anyone believe 
in our sympathy if the article in question is a dirty one? 
There are some people who, like the clouds, only exist 
to weep ; and King Solomon, though not one of them, 



DRESS. 



143 



has given them great encouragement in speaking of the 
house of mourning. We are bound to weep with them, 
and we are bound to weep elegantly. 

" A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and ap- 
propriate, will pass muster anywhere. 

" A well-dressed man does not require so much an 
extensive as a varied wardrobe. He wants a different 
costume for every season and every occasion ; but if 
what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may 
appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long 
as they are fresh and appropriate to the season and the 
object. There are four kinds of coats which he must 
have : a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, and an 
over-coat. An economical man may do well with four 
of the first, and one of each of the others per annum. 
The dress of a gentleman in the present day should not 
cost him more than the tenth part of his income on an 
average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if 
his income is large it will take a much smaller propor- 
tion, if small a larger one. If a man, however, mixes in 
society, and I write for those who do so, there are some 
things which are indispensable to even the proper dress- 
ing, and every occasion will have its proper attire. 

" In his own house then, and in the morning, there is 
no reason why he should not wear out his old clothes. 
Some men take to the delightful ease of a dressing-gown 
and slippers ; and if bachelors, they do well. If family 
men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or the 
gentleman wears the pantaloons. The best walking- 
dress for a non-professional man is a suit of tweed of the 
same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too dark for the 



144 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one 
color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The 
last item is perhaps the most important, and though its 
use varies with fashion, I confess I am sorry when I see 
it go out. The best substitute for a walking-stick is an 
umbrella, not a parasol unless it be given you by a lady 
to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the 
harmony of colors, but this should not be carried to the 
extent of M. de Maltzan, who some years ago made a 
bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden for a 
whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively 
hue. He won his wager, but also the soubriquet of 6 Le 
Diable enflamme.' The walking-dress should vary ac- 
cording to the place and hour. In the country or at 
the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the 
place of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even 
dispensed with in the former. But in the city where a 
man is supposed to make visits as well as lounge in the 
street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a 
black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender 
gloves, are almost indispensable. Very thin boots should 
be avoided at all times, and whatever clothes one wears 
they should be well brushed. The shirt, whether seen 
or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should 
never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned 
down according as the wearer is Byronically or Brum- 
mellically disposed. The scarf, if simple and of modest 
colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round the 
neck ; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too 
long, nor tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The 
cane should be extremely simple, a mere stick in fact, 



DRESS. 



145 



with no gold head, and yet for the town not rough, thick, 
or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, 
and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any 
rate, it should never be buttoned up. Great-coats should 
be buttoned up, of a dark color, not quite black, longer 
than the frock-coat, but never long enough to reach the 
ankles. If you have visits to make you should do away 
with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. 
The frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waist- 
coat in summer, is the best dress for making calls in. 

" It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, 
and rejoice that the cruelties of the dark ages can never 
be perpetrated in these days and this country. I main- 
tain that they are perpetrated freely, generally, daily, 
with the consent of the wretched victim himself, in the 
compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything 
at once more comfortless or more hideous ? Let us begin 
with what the delicate call limb-covers, which we are 
told were the invention of the Gauls, but I am inclined 
to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an ana- 
chronism to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called 
Piantaleone, and it can only have been Inquisitors or 
demons who inflicted this scourge on the race of man, 
and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take it that both 
are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us 
pause awhile over this unsightly garment, and console 
ourselves with the reflection that as every country, and 
almost every year, has a different fashion in its make of 
it, we may at last be emancipated from it altogether, or 
at least be able to wear it d la Turque. 

" But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. If 
10 



146 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

I might wear linen appendices in summer, and fur con- 
tinuations in winter, I would not groan, but it is the 
evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes society 
the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the 
year round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and 
under the dog-star he melts. This unmentionable, but 
most necessary disguise of the 6 human form divine/ is 
one that never varies in this country, and therefore I 
must lay down the rule : — 

" For all evening wear — black cloth trousers. 

"But the tortures of evening dress do not end with 
our lower limbs. Of all the iniquities perpetrated under 
the Reign of Terror, none has lasted so long as that of 
the strait-jacket, which w T as palmed off on the people as 
a 'habit de compagnie.' If it were necessary to sing a 
hymn of praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would 
rather take the guillotine as my subject to extol than the 
swallow tail. And yet we endure the stiffness, unsight- 
liness, uncomfortableness, and want of grace of the lat- 
ter, with more resignation than that with which Char- 
lotte Corday put her beautiful neck into the 6 trou d'en- 
fer' of the former. Fortunately modern republicanism 
has triumphed over ancient etiquette, and the tail-coat 
of to-day is looser and more easy than it was twenty 
years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make 
it bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure 
such vulgarities as silk collars, white silk linings, and so 
forth, which attempt to beautify this monstrosity, as a 
hangman might wreathe his gallows with roses. The 
plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the 
better. 



DRESS. 



14T 



"Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and 
comfortless. Fancy Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we 
now wear. No amount of embroidery, gold-trimmings, 
or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful 
to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourn- 
ing for your wretchedness. In France and America, 
the cooler white w^aistcoat is admitted. However, as we 
have it, let us make the best of it, and not parade our 
misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening 
waistcoat for all purposes for a man of taste is one of 
simple black, with the simplest possible buttons. 

" These three items never vary for dinner-party, muf- 
fin-worry, oV ball. The only distinction allowed is in the 
neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, and balls, this must be 
white, and the smaller the better. It should be too, of 
a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging 
down, nor of any foppish production, but a simple, white 
tie, without embroidery. The black tie is admitted for 
evening parties, and should be equally simple. The 
shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, 
with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be 
white, not yellow. Recently, indeed, a fashion has 
sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in the evening. 
They are economical, and as all economy is an abomina- 
tion, must be avoided. Gloves should always be worn 
at a ball. At a dinner-party in town they should be 
worn on entering the room, and drawn off for dinner. 
While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness 
of a gallant sea-captain w T ho, wearing no gloves at a 
dance, excused himself to his partner by saying, 'Never 
mind, miss, I can wash my hands when I've done danc- 



148 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



kig,' we have no need, in the present day, to copy the 
Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenseus, who wore 
gloves at dinner that he might pick his meat from the 
hot dishes more rapidly than the bare-handed guests. 
As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are generally 
safer with than without them. If it is quite a small 
party, we may leave them in our pocket, and in the 
country they are scarcely expected to be worn ; but 
'touch not a cat but with a glove;' you are always safer 
with them. 

"I must not quit this subject without assuring myself 
that my reader knows more about it now than he did be- 
fore. In fact I have taken one thing for granted, viz., 
that he knows what it is to be dressed, and what un- 
dressed. Of course I do not suppose him to be in the 
blissful state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed 
by our first parents. I use the words 6 dressed' and 'un- 
dressed' rather in the sense meant by a military tailor, 
or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be 
shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles 
for fear of seeing anything with the naked eye. I am 
the soul of scrupulosity. But I am wondering whether 
everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical 
nurses used to do ours, under the heads of ' best, second- 
best, third-best,' and so on, and knows what things ought 
to be placed under each. To be 'undressed' is to be 
dressed for work and ordinary occupations, to wear a 
coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a neck-tie which 
your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance 
might. To be 4 dressed,' on the other hand, since by 
dress we show our respect for society at large, or the 



DRESS. 



149 



persons with whom we are to mingle, is to be clothed in 
the garments which the said society pronounces as suit- 
able to particular occasions; so that evening dress in the 
morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots 
and a red coat for walking, may all be called ' undress,' 
if not positively 'bad dress.' But there are shades of 
being ' dressed;' and a man is called ' little dressed,' 
6 well dressed,' and 4 much dressed,' not according to the 
quantity but the quality of his coverings. 

"To be 'little dressed,' is to wear old things, of a 
make that is no longer the fashion, having no pretension 
to elegance, artistic beauty, or ornament. It is also to 
wear lounging clothes on occasions which demand some 
amount of precision. To be 'much dressed' is to be in 
the extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, 
jewelry, and ornaments, with a touch of extravagance 
and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear patent leather 
boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to 
be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely 
from being badly dressed. To be ' well dressed' is the 
happy medium between these two, which is not given to 
every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is rare, and is 
a sine qua non thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament 
and all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is good 
fashion, in the make of your clothes. A man must not 
be made by his tailor, but should make him, educate him, 
give him his own good taste. To be well dressed is to 
be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your 
height, figure, position, age, and, remember it, your 
means require. It is to be clothed without peculiarity, 
pretension, or eccentricity ; without violent colors, elab- 



150 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



orate ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, often, 
by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear 
as little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, 
clean, and fresh, and to carry your clothes as if you did 
not give them a thought. 

"Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, 
which must not be forgotten. Thus, a new coat is more 
honorable than an old one, a cut-away or shooting-coafc 
than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a cut-away, a 
dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat 
than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue 
tail-coat, however, except on a gentleman of eighty, ac- 
companied with brass buttons and a buff waistcoat. 
There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in a 
new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one 
without, in a fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a 
frock-coat, because they are types of labor, which is far 
more honorable than lounging. Again, light clothes are 
generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot 
be so long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of ex- 
penditure, alias money, which in this world is a com- 
modity more honored than every other; but, on the other 
hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that 
which has only cost much. Light gloves are more es- 
teemed than dark ones, and the prince of glove-colors is, 
undeniably, lavender. 

U 'I should say Jones was a fast man,' said a friend to 
me one day, 'for he wears a white hat.' If this idea of 
my companion's be right, fastness may be said to consist 
mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only one step 
from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of 



DRESS. 



151 



snobberry, and it is not always easy to say where the 
one ends and the other begins. A dandy, on the other 
hand, is the clothes on a man, not a man in clothes, a 
living lay figure who displays much dress, and is quite 
satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A 
bear is in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, 
and always very roughly ; but he is almost as bad as the 
other, for he sacrifices everything to his ease and com- 
fort. The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand 
character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a 
certain negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed 
to be the result of genius. An ill-tied, if not positively 
untied cravat was a sure sign of an unbridled imagina- 
tion; and a waistcoat was held together by one button 
only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had 
burst all the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was 
unbrushed and curly, you were certain of passing- for a 
'man of soul.' I should not recommend any young gen- 
tleman to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth 
a great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from 
the poets. It is of no use to show me the clouds, unless 
I can positively see you in them, and no amount of ne- 
gligence in your dress and person will convince me you 
are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of 
poems published by yourself. I confess I am glad that 
the neglige style, so common in novels of ten years back, 
has been succeeded by neatness. What we want is real 
ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to 
see the Knickerbocker style generally adopted. 

" Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, 
there are several special occasions requiring a change 



152 



GENTLEMEN S BOOK OE ETIQUETTE. 



of dress. Most of our sports, together with, marriage 
(which some people include in sports), come under this 
head. Now, the less change we make the better in the 
present day, particularly in the sports, where, if we are 
dressed with scrupulous accuracy, we are liable to be 
subjected to a comparison between our clothes and our 
skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should 
be able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge 
over gaps. A few remarks on dresses worn in different 
sports may be useful. Having laid down the rule that a 
strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in good 
taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with 
the warning that we must not dress well for either. An 
old coat with large pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if 
necessary, large boots in the other, thick shoes at any 
rate, a wide-awake, and a w T ell-filled bag or basket at 
the end of the day, make up a most respectable sports- 
man of the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want 
nothing more unusual than flannel trousers, which should 
be quite plain, unless your club has adopted some colored 
stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very violent 
hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, 
and a great coat. 

"For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, 
if only to insure your own comfort and safety. Thus 
cord-breeches and some kind of boots are indispensable. 
So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop ; so too, if you 
do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to 
save your valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown 
on your head. Again, I should pity the man who would 
attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a dress-coat ; and a 



DRESS. 153 

scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a 
tie. But beyond these you need nothing out of the com- 
mon way, but a pocketful of money. The red coat, for 
instance, is only worn by regular members of a hunt, and 
boys who ride over the hounds and like to display their 
< pinks/ In any case you are better with an ordinary 
riding-coat of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is 
prettier in the field. If you will wear the latter, see 
that it is cut square, for the swallow-tail is obsolete, and 
worn only by the fine old boys who ' hunted, sir, fifty 
years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. Those 
were hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.' 
Again, your ' cords' should be light in color and fine in 
quality; your waistcoat, if with a red coat, quite light 
too ; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff color, and fastened 
with a sAiall simple gold pin ; your hat should be old, 
and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated in- 
side, and with a small stiff peak, should be made to look 
old. Lastly, for a choice of boots. The Hessians are 
more easily cleaned, and therefore less expensive to keep ; 
the ' tops' are more natty. Brummell, who cared more 
for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, intro- 
duced the fashion of pipe-claying the tops of the latter, 
but the old original 4 mahoganies,' of which the upper 
leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into 
fashion again." 



154 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

MANLY EXERCISES. 

Bodily exercise is one of the most important means 
provided by nature for the maintenance of health, and 
in order to prove the advantages of exercise, we must 
show what is to be exercised, why exercise is necessary, 
and the various modes in which it may be taken. 

The human body may be regarded as a wonderful 
machine, the various parts of which are so wonderfully 
adapted to each other, that if one be disturbed all must 
suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the hu- 
man frame on which motion depends.. There are four 
hundred muscles in the body ; each one has certain 
functions to perform, which cannot be disturbed without 
danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in keep- 
ing the bones in their places, and put them in motion. 
Whether we walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm or 
head, or chew our food, we may be said to open and shut 
a number of hinges, or ball and socket joints. And it 
is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, 
the more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they 
become ; hence it is that laborers and artisans are 
stronger and more muscular than those persons whose 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



155 



lives are passed in easy occupations or professional du- 
ties. 

Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise 
has a most beneficial influence on respiration and the 
circulation of the blood. The larger blood-vessels are 
generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently 
when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven 
through the arteries and veins with much greater rapi- 
dity than when there is no exercise ; it is more com- 
pletely purified, as the action of the insensible perspira- 
tion is promoted, which relieves the blood of many irri- 
tating matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, 
taken up in its passage through the system, and a feel- 
ing of lightness and cheerfulness is diffused over body 
and mind. 

We have said that a good state of health depends in a 
great measure on the proper exercise of all the muscles. 
But on looking at the greater portion of our industrial 
population, — artisans and workers in factories generally 
— we find them, in numerous instances, standing or sit- 
ting in forced or unnatural positions, using only a few 
of their muscles, while the others remain, comparatively 
speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, filers, tailors, 
and many others may be easily recognized as they walk 
the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing im- 
pressed upon them by long habit. The stooping posi- 
tion especially tells most fatally upon the health ; weavers, 
shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow 
and sickly appearance, very different from that of those 
whose occupation does not require them to stoop, or fo 
remain long in a hurtful posture. Their common affec^ 



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gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



tions are indigestion and dull headache, with giddiness 
especially during summer. They attribute their com- 
plaints to two causes, one of which is the posture of the 
body, bent for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other 
the heat of the working-room. 

Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many 
others productive of similar evils by the position into 
which they compel workmen, or by the close and con- 
fined places in which they are carried on : and others, 
,again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and 
painters suffer from the noxious materials which they are 
constantly using, grinders and filers from dust, and 
bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular hours. 
Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposi- 
tion to resort to injurirus stimulants; and "the time of 
relief from work is generally spent, not in invigorating 
the animal frame, but in aggravating complaints, and 
converting functional into organic disease." 

But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons 
and defective exercise as well as artisans and operatives 
— the numerous class of shopkeepers ; the author above 
quoted says, "Week after week passes without affording 
them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not 
exercise even in the open air of the town; a furlong's 
walk to church on Sunday being the extent of their 
rambles. When they have the opportunity they want 
the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about 
his trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about her 
children. Each has little taste for recreation or amuse- 
ment. The various disorders, generally known under 
the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a want 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



157 



of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary de- 
rangements, and headache, are well known to be the 
general attendants on trade, closely pursued. Indeed, 
in almost every individual, this absorbing principle pro- 
duces one or other of the various maladies to which I 
have alluded. 

The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is 
bodily exercise, of some kind, every day, and as much 
as possible in the open air. An opinion prevails that an 
occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the balance of 
health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the 
good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. 
Regularity and sufficiency are to be as much regarded 
in exercise as in eating or sleeping. Sir James Clark 
says, that "the exercise which is to benefit the system 
generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the 
whole muscular system. Without regular exercise out 
of doors, no young person can continue long healthy ; 
and it is the duty of parents in fixing their children at 
boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is occu- 
pied daily in this w T ay. They may be assured that at- 
tention to this circumstance is quite as essential to the 
moral and physical health of their children, as any 
branch of education which they may be taught." 

Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, 
the principal of which is, to avoid carrying it to excess 
— to proportion it always to the state of health and habit 
of the individual. Persons of short breath predisposed 
to determination of blood to the head, subject to palpi- 
tation of the heart, or general weakness, are not to be- 
lieve that a course of severe exercise will do them good; 



158 



gentlemen's book op etiquette. 



on the contrary, many serious results often follow over- 
fatigue. For the same reason it is desirable to avoid ac- 
tive exertion immediately after a full meal, as the foun- 
dation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or 
running after eating. The great object should be so to 
blend exercise and repose, as to ensure the highest pos- 
sible amount of bodily vigor. It must be recollected 
that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the most 
perfect rest. 

In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor 
of the day as equivalent to exercise. Work, generally 
speaking, is a mere routine process, carried on with but 
little variety of circumstances, in a confined atmosphere, 
and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive than 
restorative. The workman requires something more 
than this to keep him in health; he must have exercise 
as often as possible in the open air, — in fields, parks, or 
pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his command, 
the streets of the town are always open to him, and a 
walk in these is better than no walk at all. The mere 
change of scene is beneficial, and in walking he generally 
sets in motion a different set of muscles from those he 
has used while at work. 

To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, 
It must be combined with amusement, and be made 
pleasureable and recreative. This important fact ought 
never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone 
we owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it 
w r ould be well if those who have been accustomed to look 
on social amusements as destructive of the morals of the 
people, would consider how much good may be done by 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



159 



giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of 
health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from 
debasing habits. The character of our sports at the 
present time, partake but little of the robust and bois- 
terous spirit of our forefathers ; but with the refinement 
of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them has 
been grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better 
state of things are, however, visible in many quarters, 
and we trust that the good work will be carried on until 
the whole of our population shall be in possession of the 
means and leisure for pleasurable recreation. 

While indulging in the recreative sports which are to 
restore and invigorate us, we must be mindful of the 
many points of etiquette and kindness which will do 
much, if properly attended to, to promote the enjoyment 
of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal 
exercises used among us, and to point out in what places 
the delicate and gentlemanly attention to our companions 
will do the most to establish, for the person who practices 
them, the reputation of a polished gentleman. 

RIDING-. 

There are no amusements, probably, which give us so 
wide a scope for the rendering of attention to a friend 
as riding and driving. Accompanied, as we may be at 
any time, by timid companions, the power to convince 
them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the 
watch kept at the same time on theirs, that we are com- 
petent to act the part of companion and guardian, will 
enable us to impart to them a great degree of reliance on 



160 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance 
the enjoyment of the excursion. 
. With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too 
careful to display a regard for the fears of their com- 
panions, and by a constant watch on all the horses in the 
cavalcade, to show at once his ability and willingness to 
assist his companions. 

There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even 
among those who ride often, who can properly assist a 
lady in mounting her horse. * An over-anxiety to help a 
lady as gracefully as possible, generally results in a ner- 
vous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable 
to the lady, and, at the same time, dangerous ; for were 
the horse to shy or start, he could not be so easily 
quieted by a nervous man as by one who was perfectly 
cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into 
her left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face to- 
ward his head, and her right hafid resting on the pommel. 
The gentleman, having asked permission to assist her, 
stands at the horse's shottlder, facing the lady, and stoop- 
ing low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation 
from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on 
the gentleman's palm, and as he raises his hand she 
springs slightly on her right foot, and thus reaches the 
saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand upward, 
but lift it with a gentle motion. This methdd of mount- 
ing is preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a firm 
hand, for a sinking foot-hold will diminish the confidence 
of a lady in her escort, and, in many cases cause her 
unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is 
likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse- 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



161 



back excursions, we would recommend the following 
practice : Saddle a horse with a side saddle, and ask a 
gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a lady's habit, 
and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting 
until you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you 
may have experienced at first : 

After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentle- 
man should always stand at the side of the lady's horse 
until she is firmly fixed in the saddle, has a good foot- 
hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip well in 
hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly 
and comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman 
should mount his horse and take his riding position on 
the right or "off" side of the lady's horse, so that, in 
case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring him 
against the other horse, the lady will suffer no incon- 
venience. In riding with two ladies there are two rules 
in regard to the gentleman's position. 

If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side 
by side, the ladies to the left ; but, if the contrary should 
be the case, the gentleman should ride between the ladies 
in order to be ready in a moment to assist either in case 
of one of the horses becoming difficult to manage. Be- 
fore allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of 
her horse should be carefully examined by her escort. 
The saddle and girths should be tested to see if they are 
firm, the stirrup leather examined, in case of the tongue 
of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by not be- 
ing well buckled at first, and most particularly the bri- 
dle, curb, headstall, and reins should be carefully and 
thoroughly examined, for on them depends the entire 



162 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 

control of the horse. These examinations should never 
be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of 
horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way 
of attending to such matters, which, though seemingly 
trivial, may lead to serious consequences. 

On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should 
be to render the ride agreeable to his companion, by the 
pointing out of objects of interest with which she may 
not be acquainted, the reference to any peculiar beauty 
of landscape which - may have escaped her notice, and a 
general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be 
timid, draw her mind from the fancied dangers of horse- 
back riding, and render her excursion much more agree- 
able than if she be left to imagine horrors whenever her 
horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, 
while thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady's 
horse, so that in case he should really get frightened, 
you may be ready by your instruction and assistance to 
aid the lady in quieting his fears. 

In dismounting you should offer your right hand to 
the lady's left, and allow her to use your left as a step 
to dismount on, gently declining it as soon as the lady 
has left her seat on the saddle, and just before she 
springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this 
generally confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to 
the lady, for the horse may move at the instant she 
springs, which would inevitably throw her backward and 
might result in a serious injury. 

DRIVING. 

In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



163 



many points of care and attention to be observed ; they 
will render to the driver himself much gratification by 
the confidence they will inspire in his companion, by 
having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by 
a careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what 
danger may attend the pleasure, is removed. 

On reaching the door of your companion's residence, 
whom we will suppose to be in this case a lady, — though 
the same attention may well be extended to a gentle- 
man, — drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and 
by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, 
and slightly backing the wagon, separate the fore and 
hind wheels on the side next the block as much as possi- 
ble. This gives room for the lady to ascend into the 
wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against 
either tire, and also gives the driver room to lean over 
and tuck into the wagon any part of a lady's dress that 
may hang out after she is seated. 

In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the 
best and safest way is to tie the horse firmly to a hitch- / 
ing-post or tree, and then to give to your companion the 
aid of both your hands ; but, in case of there being no 
post to which you can make the rein fast, the following 
rule may be adopted : 

Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them 
just tight enough to let the horse feel that they are 
held, and with the other hand assist the lady ; under no 
circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, should 
you place a lady in your vehicle without any hold on 
the horse, for, although many horses would stand per- 
fectly quiet, the whole race of them are timid, and any 



164 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



sudden noise or motion may start them, in which case 
the life of your companion may be endangered. In the 
light no-top or York wagon, which is now used almost 
entirely for pleasure drives, the right hand cushion 
should always be higher by three or four inches than the 
left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him 
more control, and renders the lady's seat more comfort- 
able and more safe. It is a mistaken idea, in driving, 
that it shows a perfect horseman, to drive fast. On the 
contrary, a good horseman is more careful of his horse 
than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always al- 
lowed to go slowly for time ; as he gradually takes up a 
quicker pace, and becomes warmed up, the driver may 
push him even to the top of his speed for some distance, 
always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward 
the end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place 
at a moderate gait. 

Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make 
the ride agreeable to your companion. Never try to 
show off your driving, but remember, that there is no 
one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little 
display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes 
his life to the management of the reins, may well be sup- 
posed to be the most thoroughly good " whip." 

In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule 
must be observed as in the start ; namely, to have your 
horse well in hand or firmly tied. Should your com- 
panion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is 
always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made 
to yourself by another with whom you are riding, should 
always be declined ; unless, indeed, the horse should be 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



165 



particularly " hard-mouthed" and your friend's arms 
should be tired, in which case you should relieve him. 

Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it 
may not spring back outside of the vehicle and strike 
your companion. This rule should be particularly at- 
tended to in driving "tandem" or "four-in-hand," as a 
cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant 
accompaniment to your drive. 

BOXING. 

In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, 
from the rough nature of the sport, seem to be small 
room for civility ; yet, in none of the many manly sports 
is there so great a scope for the exercise of politeness 
as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in 
boxing, there are many ways to teach him and encourage 
him in his pursuit of proficiency, without knocking him 
about as if your desire was to injure him as much as pos- 
sible. And you will find that his gratitude for your 
forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indul- 
gence to others who are inferior to himself, and thus by 
the exchange of gentlemanly civility the science of boxing 
is divested of one of its most objectionable points, viz : 
the danger of the combatants becoming angry and chang- 
ing the sport to a brutal fight. 

Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves 
from the set, though, if you recommend any to him, let 
him take the hardest ones and you the softest ; thus he 
will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of 
ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give 
him the utmost chance. In this way, even if you should 



166 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



be worsted in the game, your kindness and courtesy to 
him will be ^acknowledged by any one who may be with 
you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist 
himself. These same rules apply to the art of fencing, 
the most graceful and beautiful of exercises. Let your 
opponent have his choice of the foils and sword-gloves, 
give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts 
remember that to make a "hit" does not require you to 
force your foil as violently as you can against your an- 
tagonist's breast ; but, that every touch will show if your 
foils be chalked and the one who has the most " spots" 
at the end of the encounter is the beaten man. 

SAILING. 

Within a few years there has been a most decided 
movement in favor of aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town 
can be found, near the sea or on the bank of a river 
but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all 
our principal cities the "navies" of yachts and barges 
number many boats. The barge clubs particularly are 
well-fitted with active, healthy men, who can appreciate 
the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the end of a 
sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered 
hands to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. 
Under the head of sailing we will give some hints of * 
etiquette as to sailing and rowing together. A gentleman 
will never parade his superiority in these accomplishments, 
still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may not feel 
their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his pow- 
ers. If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best 
place must be offered to him, though he may be a bad oar ; 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



167' 



but, at the same time, if a guest knows his inferiority in this 
respect, he will, for more reasons than one, prefer an infe- 
rior position. So, too, when a certain amount of exertion 
is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to 
take the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will 
never shirk his work. In short, the whole rule of good 
manners on such occasions is not to be selfish, and the \ 
most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is 
certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to 
handle an oar, or to steer and work a yacht, both that 
when he has an opportunity he may acquire health, and 
that he may be able to take part in the charming excur- 
sions which are made by water. One rule should apply 
to all these aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gen- 
tleman who invites the ladies, should there be any, and 
who is, therefore, at the trouble of getting up the party, 
should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless he 
decline the post, for he has the advantage of more inti- 
mate acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to 
entertain on the trip, and the post of honor should be 
given him as a compliment to his kindness in undertak- 
ing the preliminaries. 

HUNTING. 

Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a 
stable, are generally ready to join the hunt club. We are 
gradually falling into the English sports and pastimes. 
Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and more 
practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists 
aspire to conquer those of Britain, when a few years 
back, to attempt such a thing would have been consi- 



188 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



dered folly. In this country the organization of hunt- 
clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as 
to enjoy the sport. We differ much from the Britons in 
our hunting ; we have often a hilly dangerous country, 
with high worm and post-and-rail fences crossing it, deep 
streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to ride 
over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is 
frozen hard, and we take everything as it is, hills, fences, 
streams, and hedges, risking our necks innumerable 
times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a flat 
country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, 
and they hunt after a frost when the ground is soft. 

Our hunting field at the "meet" does not show the 
gaudy equipment and top-boots of England, but the 
plain dress of the gentleman farmer, sometimes a blue 
coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and 
felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more 
observed than in England. There any one joins the 
meet, if it is a large one, but here no one enters the field 
unless acquainted with one or more of the gentlemen on 
the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. 
Never attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the 
saddle and a good horse, and never accept the loan of a 
friend's horse, still less an enemy's, unless you ride very 
well. A man may forgive you for breaking his daugh- 
ter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck. 
Another point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never 
join one unless acquainted with some one in the field. 
Pluck, skill, and a good horse are essentials in hunting. 
Never talk of your achievments, avoid enthusiastic shout- 
ing when you break cover, and do not ride over the 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



169 



hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm 
frame of mind, and a good, firm seat on the saddle. 
Watch the country you are going over, be always ready 
to help a friend who may "come to grief," and with the 
rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite 
in the field. 

SKATING-. 

Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return \ 
of spring breezes, and look back with regret on the au- 
tumn sports, or even the heat of summer, there is yet a 
balm for our frozen spirits in the glorious and exhilarat- 
ing sports of winter. The sleigh filled with laughing 
female beauties and "beauties/' too, of the sterner sex, 
and the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the 
road or through th& streets, are delights of which Old 
Winter alone is the giver. But, pleasant as the sleigh- 
ride is, the man who looks for health and exercise at all 
seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the sleigh 
to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. 
Flying along over the glistening ice to the accompani- 
ment of shouts of merry laughter at some novice's mis- 
hap, and feeling that we have within us the speed of the 
race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute 
for the pleasures 6f the other seasons. 

So universal has skating become, that instruction in 
this graceful accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; 
but, for the benefit of the rising generation who may 
peruse our work, we will give, from a well-known au- 
thority, a few hints as to the manner of using the skates 



170 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of 
the skating ground. 

"Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn 
to put on the skates, and may also learn to walk with 
them easily in a room, balancing, alternately, on each 
foot. A skater's dress should be as loose and unincum- 
bered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to the 
wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, 
flannel next the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary 
to avoid the evils of sudden chills in cold weather. 

"Either very rough or very smooth ice should be 
avoided. The person who, for the first time, attempts to 
skate, must not trust to a stick. He may take a friend's 
hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be 
soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, 
probably, scramble about for half an hour or so, till he 
begins to find out where the edge of his skate is. The 
beginner must be fearless, but not violent; nor even in 
a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and keep 
his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle 
of the foot on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain 
the edge of the skate by bending it, because the right 
mode of getting to either edge is by the inclination of 
the whole body in the direction required; and this incli- 
nation should be made fearlessly and decisively. The 
leg which is on the ice should be kept perfectly straight ; 
for, though the knee must be somewhat bent at the time 
of striking, it must be straightened as quickly as possi- 
ble without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice should 
also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



171 



but straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the 
heel from six to twelve inches of the other. 

"The learner must not look clown at the ice, nor at 
his feet, to see how they perform. He may, at first, in- 
cline his body a little forward, for safety, but hold his 
head up, and see where he goes, his person erect and his 
face rather elevated than otherwise. 

"When once off, he must bring both feet up together, 
and strike again, as soon as he finds himself steady 
enough, rarely allowing both feet to be on the ice to- 
gether. The position of the arms should be easy and 
varied; one being always more raised than the other, 
this elevation being alternate, and the change corres- 
ponding to that of the legs ; that is, the right arm being 
raised as the right leg is put down, and vice versa, so 
that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised 
together. The face must be always turned in the direc- 
tion of the line intended to be described. Hence in 
backward skating, the head will be inclined much over 
the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All 
sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping 
may be caused by slightly bending the knees, drawing 
the feet together, inclining the body forward, and press- 
ing on the heels. It may be also caused by turning 
short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which 
we turn being rather more advanced, and supporting 
part of the weight/'* 

When on the ice, if you should get your skates on be- 
fore your companion, always wait for him ; for, nothing 
is more disagreeable than being left behind on an occa- 
* Walker's Manly Exercises. } 



172 gentlemen's book op etiquette. 



sion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating 
to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentle- 
man, who may require it. A gentleman may be distin- 
guished at all times by the willingness with which he 
will give up his sport to render himself agreeable and 
kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of 
the skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the 
ice, and should your own ladies, if you are accompanied 
by any, not desire to use it, the most becoming thing 
you can do is to place it at the disposal of any other 
gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not pro- 
vided witJh such a conveyance. 

Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the 
ice, and always skate perfectly clear of the line in which 
a lady is advancing, whether she be on skates or on foot. 
Attention to the other sex is no where more appreciated 
than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, 
comparatively helpless. Be 'always prompt to assist in 
the extrication of any one who may break through the 
ice, but let your zeal be tempered by discretion, and 
always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference to 
going near the hole ; for there is great risk of your break- 
ing through yourself, and endangering your own life 
without being able to assist the person already sub- 
merged. But should the rope or ladder not be con- 
venient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on 
the ice, and push yourself cautiously along until you can 
touch the person's hand, and then let him climb by it 
out of the hole. 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



173 



SWIMMING. 

So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be 
useless for us to furnish any instruction in the actual 
art of swimming; but a few words on the subject of as- 
sisting others while in the water may not come amiss. 

It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in , 
a suit of clothes. This may be practiced by good swim- 
jokers, cautiously at first, in comparatively shallow water, 
and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions may fre- 
quently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into 
the water to save a drowning person, where the lack of 
time, or the presence of ladies, would preclude all possi- 
bility of removing the clothes. There are few points 
of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the 
assistance in our power to beginners, and to remember 
the fact of - our being gentlemen, though the sport may 
be rough when we are off terra firma. We shall there- 
fore devote this section of our exercise department to 
giving a few general directions as to supporting drown- 
ing persons, which support is, after all, the most valued 
attention we can render to any one. 

If possible, always go to save a life in company with 
one or two others. One companion is generally suffi- 
cient, but two will do no harm, for, if the service of the 
second be not required, he can easily swim back to shore. 
On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging 
to anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it 
until you tell him to let go, and then to let his arms fall 
to his side. Then let one of your companions place his 
hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, and 



174 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then 
tread water until you get his arms on the shoulders of 
your companion and yourself, and then swim gently to 
shore. Should you be alone, the utmost you can do is 
to let him hold his support while you tread water near 
him until further assistance can be obtained. If you 
are alone and he has no support, let him rest one arm 
across your shoulder, put one of your arms behind his 
back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water 
until help arrives. Never let a man in these circum- 
stances grasp you in any way, particularly if he be 
frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, try to 
cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own 
movements, and he will be safely and easily preserved. 

cricket. 

"When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to 
enter into the full spirit of the game; but we must not 
allow the excitement of the play to make us forget what 
is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, easy, and, 
at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be as- 
sumed. Always offer to your companions the use of 
your private bat, if they are not similarly provided ; for 
the bats belonging to the club often lose the spring in 
the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good 
spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you 
gratify the player, and, as a reward for your kindness, 
he may, from being well provided, score more for the 
side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools. 

This game is more purely democratic than any one we 
know of, and the most aristocratic of gentlemen takes 



MANLY EXERCISES. 



175 



second rank, for the time, to the most humble cricketer, 
if the latter be the more skillful. But a good player is 
not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation 
may always be distinguished. A gentleman will never 
deride any one for his bad play, nor give vent to oaths, 
or strong epithets, if disappointed in the playing of one 
of his side. If he has to ask another player for any- 
thing, he does so in a way to establish his claim to gen- 
tility. "May I trouble you for that ball?" or, "Will 
you please to hand me that bat?" are much preferable to 
"Here, you! ball there!" or, " Clumsy, don't carry off 
that bat !" Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake him- 
self, he should always acknowledge it quietly, and never 
start a stormy discussion as to the merits of his batting 
or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm demeanor 
in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply 
you enter into the excitement of the game. 



176 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER IX. 

TRAVELING. 

In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a 
gentleman has many opportunities of making this un- 
protected state a' pleasant one. There are many little 
courtesies which you may offer to a lady when travel- 
ing, even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an 
air of respectful deference, you may place her entirely 
at her ease with you, even if you are both young. 

When traveling with a lady, your duties commence 
when you are presented to her as an escort. If she is 
personally a stranger, she will probably meet you at the 
wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you 
should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a 
hack, and call, leaving, ample time for last speeches and 
farewell tears. If she hands you her purse to defray 
her expenses, return it to her if you stop for any length 
of time at a place where she may wish to make pur- 
chases. If you make no stop upon your journey, keep 
the purse until you arrive at your destination, and then 
return it. If she does not give you the money for her 
expenses when you start, you had best pay them your- 
self, keeping an account, and she will repay you at the 
journey's end. 



TRAVELINGS 



177 



When you start, select for your companion the plea- 
santest seat, see that her shawl and bag are within her 
reach, the window lowered or raised as she may prefer, 
and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you 
prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks 
for the trunks. Never keep a lady standing upon the 
wharf or in the depot, whilst you arrange the baggage. 

When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a 
hack while you get the trunks. 

When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to 
the parlor, and leave her there whilst you engage rooms. 
As soon as her room is ready, escort her to the door, 
and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her 
dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you 
remain chatting in the parlor, although she may be too 
polite to give any sign of weariness, you may feel sure 
she is longing to go to a room where she can bathe her 
face and smooth her hair. 

If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before 
you leave her, at what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or 
breakfast, and at that hour, knock at her door, and 
escort her to the table. / 

If you remain in the city at which her journey ter- 
minates, you should call the day after your arrival upon 
the companion of your journey. If, previous to that 
journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege 
of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so 
if all your gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time 
you meet her, you must submit, and hope for better 
luck next time. In such a case, you are at liberty 
12 



178 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



to decline escorting her again should the request be 
made. 

When traveling alone, your opportunities to display 
your gallantry will be still more numerous. To offer 
to carry a bag for a lady who is unattended, to raise or 
lower a window for her, offer to check her baggage, 
procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat 
or boat to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, 
or in fact extend any such kindness, will mark you as a 
gentleman, and win you the thanks due to your courtesy. 
Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you then 
become officious, and embarrass when you mean to 
please. 

If you are going to travel in other countries, in Eu- 
rope, especially, I would advise you to study the lan- 
guages, before you attempt to go abroad. French is 
the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it is 
spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists ; but, in 
order fully to enjoy a visit to any country, you must 
speak the language of that country. You can then 
visit in the private houses, see life among the peasantry, 
go with confidence from village to town, from city to 
city, learning more of the country in one day from 
familiar intercourse with the natives, than you would 
learn in a year from guide books or the explanations of 
your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey 
through a strange land, is not to roll over the high 
ways in your carriage, stop at the hotels, and be led 
to the points of interest by your guide, but to shoulder 
your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a 
pedestrian tour through the .hamlets and villages. Take 



TRAVELING. 



179 



a room at a hotel in the principal cities if you will, 
and see all that your guide book commands you to seek, 
and then start on your own tour of investigation, and 
believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and 
chats with the villagers and peasants, infinitely more 
than your visits dictated by others. Of course, to en- 
joy this mode of traveling, you must have some know- 
ledge of the language, and if you start with only a very 
slight acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find 
how rapidly you will acquire the power to converse, 
when you are thus forced to speak in that language, or 
be entirely silent. 

Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to 
arrange your own affairs. If you travel with a courier 
and depend upon him to arrange your hotel bills and 
other matters, you will be cheated by every one, from 
the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, 
who undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works 
of the "old masters." If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido 
could see the pictures brought annually to this country 
as genuine works of their pencils, we are certain that 
they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy 
hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Igno- 
rant of the language of the country you are visiting, you 
will be swindled in the little villages and the large cities 
by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, in the country 
and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, 
hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages 
if you propose going abroad. 

In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference be- 
tween the gentleman and the clown more strongly than 



180 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

the regard they pay to foreign customs. While the 
latter will exclaim against every strange dress or dish, 
and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not 
please him, the former will endeavor, as far as is in his 
power, to " do in Rome as Romans do." 

Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs 
of the nation which you are visiting, and, as far as you 
can without any violation of principle, follow them. 
You will add much to your own comfort by so doing, for, 
as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to 
your habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner 
you will feel at home in the strange land. 

Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you 
ludicrous or wrong. You may wound those around you, 
or you may anger them, and it cannot add to the 
pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If 
in Germany they serve your meat upon marmalade, or 
your beef raw, or in Italy give you peas in their pods, 
or in France offer you frog's legs and horsesteaks, if you 
cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and re- 
press every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt 
your taste to the dishes, and if you find that impossible, 
remove those articles you cannot eat from your plate, 
and make your meal upon the others, but do this silently 
and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention. 

The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, 
oil in Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; 
who can smoke a meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant 
in India, shoot partridges in England, and wear a turban 
in Turkey ; in short, in every nation adapt their habits, 



TRAVELING. 



181 



costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and 
dishes. 

Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of 
your own country, or disparagingly of others. If you 
find others are interested in gaining information about 
America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, 
scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a 
contempt of other countries. To turn up your nose at 
the Thames because the Mississippi is longer and wider, 
or to sneer at any object because you have seen its su- 
perior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively bad 
taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest 
which America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you 
will do well to avoid mention of "our rivers," "our 
mountains," or, " our manufactories." You will find ruins 
in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and 
factories in England, which will take the lead and chal- 
lenge the world to compete ; and you will exhibit a far 
better spirit if you candidly acknowledge that superiority, 
than if you make absurd and untrue assertions of "our" 
power to excel them. 

You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, 
much that will excite your laughter; but control the one 
and keep silence about the other. If you find fault, do 
so gently and quietly ; if you praise, do so without quali- 
fication, sincerely and warmly. 

Study well the geography of any country which you 
may visit, and, as far as possible, its history also. You 
cannot feel much interest in localities or monuments con- 
nected with history, if you are unacquainted with the 
events which make them worthy of note. * 



182 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



Converse with any who seem disposed to form an ac- 
quaintance. You may thus pass an hour or two plea- 
santly, obtain useful information, and you need not carry 
on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst 
the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the 
customs of each nation in other nations, but it is among 
the peasants and the people that you find the true na- 
tionality. 

You may carry with you one rule into every country, 
which is, that, however much the inhabitants may object 
to your dress, language, or habits, they will cheerfully 
acknowledge that the American stranger is perfectly 
amiable and polite. 



i 



ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. 183 



CHAPTER X. 

ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. 

It is not, in this book, a question, what you must be- 
lieve, but how you must act. If your conscience per- 
mits you to visit other churches than your own, your first 
duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at any of 
its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can. 

To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted 
to the worship of a Higher Power, is a sign of respect 
never to be omitted. Many men will omit in foreign 
churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by 
the omission make others believe them irreverent and 
foolish, even though they may act from mere thought- 
lessness. If, however, you are in a country where the 
head is kept covered, and another form of humility 
adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those 
around you. You will be more respected if you pay de- 
ference to their religious views, than if you undertook to 
prove your superiority by affecting a contempt for any 
form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon 
high and holy subjects, and your face will show your de- 
votion, even if you are ignorant of the forms of that 
particular church. 

If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her ) 



184 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

the holy water with your hand ungloved, for, as it is 
in the intercourse with princes, that church requires all 
the ceremonies to be performed with the bare hand. 

Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach 
the pew you are to occupy, then step before her, open 
the door, and hold it open while she enters the pew. 
Then follow her, closing the door after you. 

If you are visiting a strange church, request the 
sexton to give you a seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. 
If you are in your own pew in church, and see strangers 
looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them by 
a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re- 
entering yourself after they are seated. 

If others around you do not pay what you think a 
proper attention to the services, do not, by scornful 
glances or whispered remarks, notice their omissions. 
Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you. 

You may offer a book or fah to a stranger near you, 
if unprovided themselves, whether they be young or old, 
lady or gentleman. 

Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. 
Do not, if your own devotion is not satisfied by your at- 
titude, throw scornful glances upon those who remain 
seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign 
to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most 
suitable for the service. Keep your own position, but do 
not think you have the right to dictate to others. I 
have heard young persons addressing, with words of re- 
proach, old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade 
them to kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubt- 
less, as good Christians as their presumptuous advisers. 



ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. 



185 



I know that it often is an effort to remain silent "when 
those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone or 
whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, 
or read the wrong responses in a voice of thunder ; but, 
while you carefully avoid such faults yourself, you must 
pass them over in others, without remark. 

If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures 
or monuments within its walls, and not for worship, 
choose the hours when there is no service being read. 
Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak 
low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in 
the edifice devoted to the service of God. 

Let me here protest against an Americanism of which 
modest ladies justly complain; it is that of gentlemen 
standing in groups round the doors of churches both be- 
fore and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge 
in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a 
friend, or, whilst waiting for another person, he will 
stand aside and allow plenty of room for others to pass 
in, and will never bring the blood into a woman's face 
by a long, curious stare. 

In church, as in every other position in life, the most 
unselfish man is the most perfect gentleman; so, if you 
wish to retain your position as a well-bred man, you will, 
in a crowded church, offer your seat to any lady, or old 
man, who may be standing. 



186 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XI. 

ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 

1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, es- 
pecially when in the presence of ladies. It is not ne- 
cessary to be stiff, indolent, or sullenly silent, neither is 
perfect gravity always required, but if you jest let it be 
with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon 
clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing 
marks the gentleman so soon and so decidedly as quiet, 
refined ease of manner. 

2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring 
a bell, pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have 
dropped, or, in short, perform any service for herself 
which you can perform for her, when you are in the 
room. By s extending such courtesies to your mother, 
sisters, or other members of your family, they become 
habitual,^and are thus more gracefully performed when 
abroad. 

3. Never perform any little service for another with a 
formal bow or manner as if conferring a favor, but with 
a quiet gentlemanly ease as if it were, not a ceremonious, 
unaccustomed performance, but a matter of course, for 
you to be courteous. 

4. It is not necessary to tell all that you know; that 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 187 



were mere folly; but what a man says must be what he 
believes himself, else he violates the first rule for a gen- y 
tleman's speech — Truth. 

5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet 
made, even in the most finished circles of society, is a 
species of gambling, and this ruinous crime comes on by 
slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he 
is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You 
will be tempted to the vice by those whom the world 
calls gentlemen, but you will find that loss makes you 
angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one ; gain 
excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in 
the end you will lose money, good name, health, good 
conscience, light heart, and honesty ; while you gain evil 
associates, irregular hours and habits, a suspicious, fret- 
ful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. 
Some one must lose in the game ; and, if you win it, it 
is at the risk of driving a fellow creature to despair. 

6. Cultivate tact ! In society it will be an invaluable 
aid. Talent is something, but tact is everything. Talent 
is serious, sober, grave, and respectable ; tact is all that 
and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but it is the life 
of all the five. It is the open eye, the quick ear, the 
judging taste, the keen smell, and the lively touch ; it is 
the interpreter of all riddles — the surmounter of all diffi- 
culties — the remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all 
places, and at all times ; it is useful in solitude, for it 
shows a man his way into the world; it is useful in so- 
ciety, for it shows him his way through the world. Talent 
is power — tact is skill; talent is weight — tact is momen- 
tum; talent knows what to do — tact knows how to do it; 



188 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



talent makes a man respectable — tact will make him re- 
spected; talent is wealth— tact is ready money. For all 
the practical purposes of society tact carries against 
talent ten to one. 

7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being 
agreeable, though all cannot shine in company; but there 
are many men sufficiently qualified for both, who, by a 
very few faults, that a little attention would soon correct, 
are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults. 

8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired 
early in life, are the best foundation for the formation 
of gentlemanly manners. If you unite with this the 
constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of refine- 
ment and education, you will add to the dignity of per- 
fect self command, the polished ease of polite society. 

9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill- 
bred to assume a manner as if you were superior to those 
around you, and it is, too, a proof, not of superiority 
but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, avoid the 
foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises 
of others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what 
you are, perhaps, but in pointing out what you ought to 
be. 

10. Avoid pride, too ; it often miscalculates, and more 
often misconceives. The proud man places himself at a 
distance from other men; seen through that distance, 
others, perhaps, appear little to him; but he forgets that 
this very distance causes him also to appear little to 
others. 

11. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility and 
affability : to be easy of access, to pass by neglects and 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 



offences, especially from inferiors; neither to despise any 
for their bad fortune or misery, nor to be afraid to own 
those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer over 
inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to 
superiors ; not standing upon his family name, or wealth, 
but making these secondary to his attainments in civility, 
industry, gentleness, and discretion. 

12. Chesterfield says, " All ceremonies are, in them- 
selves, very silly things ; but yet a man of the world 
should know them. They are the outworks of manners, 
which would be too often broken in upon if it were not 
for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper dis- 
tance. It is for that reason I always treat fools and 
coxcombs with great ceremony, true good breeding not 
being a suflScient barrier against them.' , 

13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of 
stairs, do not wait for her to ascend, but bow, and go up 
before her. 

14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, 
■wait for her to precede you in the descent. 

15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies I 
conversation. " Just listen, for a moment, to our fast 
young man, or the ape of a fast young man, who thinks 
that to be a man he must speak in the dark phraseology 
of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, 
he does it on his own 6 hook.' If he sees anything re- 
markably good, he calls it a 'stunner,' the superlative 

of which is a ' regular stunner/ If a man is requested 
to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will 6 stand Sam.' 
If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an ' ugly 
customer/ If he meets an eccentric man ? he calls him 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



u rummy old cove/ A sensible man is a 'chap that is 
up to snuff/ Our young friend never scolds, but 'blows 
up;' never pays, but 'stumps up;' never finds it too dif- 
ficult to pay, but is 'hard up.' He has no hat, but 
shelters his head beneath a 'tile.' He wears no neck- 
cloth, but surrounds his throat with a 'choker.' He 
lives nowhere, but there is some place where he ' hangs 
out.' He never goes aw r ay or withdraws, but he 'bolts'* 
— he 'slopes' — he 'mizzles' — he 'makes himself scarce' 
— he 'walks his chalks' — he 'makes tracks' — he 'cuts 
stick' — or, what is the same thing, he ' cuts his lucky !' 
The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell 
him that he is a 'regular brick.' He does not profess to 
be brave, but he prides himself on being 'plucky.' 
Money is a word which he has forgotten, but he talks a 
good deal about 'tin,' and the 'needful,' 'the rhino,' and 
'the ready.' When a man speaks, he 'spouts;' when he 
holds his peace, he 'shuts up;' when he is humiliated, he, 
is 'taken down a peg or two,' and made to 'sing small.' 
Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions, there is 
much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of 
view. For example, the word 'governor,' as applied to 
a father, is to be reprehended. Does it not betray, on 
the part of young men, great ignorance of the paternal 
and filial relationship, or great contempt for them? 
Their father is to such young men merely a governor, — 
merely a representative of authority. Innocently enough 
the expression is used by thousands of young men who 
venerate and love their parents ; but only think of it, 
and 1 am sure that you will admit that it is a cold, 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 191 

heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought 
forthwith to be abandoned." 

16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive 
than tyranny. I refer not to the wrongs, real or imag- 
inary, that engage our attention in ancient and modern 
history; my tyrants are not those who have waded 
through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their 
brother men. I speak of the petty tyrants of the fire- 
side and the social circle, who trample like very despots 
on the opinions of their fellows. You meet people of 
this class everywhere ; they stalk by your side in the 
streets; they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on 
the hearth, casting a gloom on gayety ; and they start 
up dark and scowling in the midst of scenes of innocent 
mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. 
They "pooh! pooh!" at every opinion advanced; they 
make the lives of their mothers, sisters, wives, children, 
unbearable. Beware then of tyranny. A gentleman 
is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous. 

17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, 
incorruptible integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and 
fidelity in seeking for truth. A man in proportion as 
he has these virtues will be honored and welcomed every- 
where. 

18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, y 
but in the mind. A high sense of honor, a determina- 
tion never to take a mean advantage of another, ad- 
herence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those 
with whom we hold intercourse, are the essential charac- 
teristics of a gentleman. 

19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and 



192 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



your sister, will beget much love. The man who is a 
rude husband, son, and brother, cannot be a gentleman ; 
he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the refine- 
ment of heart that would make him courteous at home, 
his politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, un- 
polished mind. 

20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay 
those around you by toying with your food, or neglect- 
ing the business before you to chat, till all the others 
are ready to leave the table, but must wait until you re- 
pair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food. 

21. Are you a husband? Custord entitles you to be 
the "lord and master" over your household. But don't 
assume the master and sink the lord. Remember that 
noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity 
are the lordly attributes of man. As a husband, there- 
fore, exhibit the true nobility of man, and seek to govern 
your household by the display of high moral excellence. 

A domineering spirit — a fault-finding petulance — im- 
patience of trifling delays — and the exhibition of un- 
worthy passion at the slightest provocation can add no 
laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no sweetness 
to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom 
you may be surrounded. It is one thing to be a master, 
another to be a man. The latter should be the hus- 
band's aspiration; for he who cannot govern himself, is 
ill-qualified to rule * others. You can hardly imagine 
how refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollec- 
tion of your courting days. How tediously the hours 
rolled away prior to the appointed time of meeting ; how 
swift they seemed to fly, when met ; how fond was the 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 193 

t 

first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent 
were your vows ; how vivid your dreams of future hap- 
piness, when, returning to your home, you felt yourself 
secure in the confessed love of the object of your warm 
affections ! Is your dream realized? — are you so happy 
as you expected? — why not? Consider whether as a 
husband you are as fervent and constant as you were 
when a lover. Remember that the wife's claims to your 
unremitting regard — great before marriage, are now ex- 
alted to a much higher degree. She has left the world 
for you — -the home of her childhood, the fireside of her 
parents, their watchful care and sweet intercourse have 
all been yielded up for you. Look then most jealously 
upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and 
to weaken that union upon which your temporal happi- 
ness mainly depends ; and believe that in the solemn re- 
lationship of husband is to be found one of the best 
guarantees for man's honor and happiness. 

22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this : 
" Whoever is open, loyal, and true; whoever is of hu- 
mane and affable demeanor; whoever is honorable in 
himself, and in his judgment of others, and requires no 
law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such 
a man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest 
rank of life, a man of elegant refinement and intellect, 
or the most unpolished tiller of the ground." 

23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentle- 
man to take off his glove to shake hands with a lady, 
unless her hand is uncovered. In the house, however, 
the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a gloved 
hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very 

13 



194 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



cold, or the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much 
better to offer the covered hand than to offend the lady's 
touch, or delay the salutation during an awkward fumble 
to remove the glove. 

24. Sterne says, "True courtship consists in a number 
of quiet, gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to 
alarm, not so vague as to be misunderstood." A clown 
will terrify by his boldness, a proud man chill by his re- 
serve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture 
of the two. 

25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will 
cause the most virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of 
low breeding ; and the tendency of using indecent and 
profane language is degrading to your minds. Its in- 
jurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they 
will continue to manifest themselves to you through life. 
They may never be obliterated ; and, if you allow 
the fault to become habitual, you will often find at your 
tongue's end some expressions which you would not use 
for any money. By being careful on this point you may 
save yourself much mortification and sorrow. 

" Good men have been taken sick and become de- 
lirious. In these moments they have used the most vile 
and indecent language. When informed of it, after a 
restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they 
had given to their friends, and stated that they had 
learned and repeated the expressions in childhood, and 
though years had passed since they had spoken a bad 
word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped 
upon the mind." 

Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 



195 



language, and never let a vile word disgrace you. An 
oath never falls from the tongue of the man who com- 
mands respect. 

Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble 
traits. Let these be yours, and do not fear. You will 
then claim the esteem and love of all. 

26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, 
sometimes meet with an unworthy and ungrateful return ; 
but the absence of gratitude and similar courtesy on the 
part of the receiver cannot destroy the self-approbation 
which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds 
of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. 
Some of them will inevitably fall on good ground, and 
grow up into benevolence in the minds of others, and all 
of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the bosom 
whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself 
on the heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man. 

27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion 
ceases to be a gentleman, and if you do not control your 
passions, rely upon it, they will one day control you. 
The intoxication of anger, like that of the grape, shows 
us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure 
our own cause in the opinion of the world when we too 
passionately and eagerly defend it. Neither will all 
men be disposed to view our quarrels in the same light 
that we do ; and a man's blindness to his own defects 
will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with 
others, or pleased with himself. An old English writer 
says : — 

"As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers 
and slanderers from your conversation, for it is these 



196 



gentlemen's book op etiquette. 



blow the devil's bellows to rouse up the flames of rage 
and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your cre- 
dulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all 
this, perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too 
inquisitive into the affairs of others, or what people say 
of yourself, or into the mistakes of your friends, for this 
is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire to burn 
your own house." 

28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your 
own self-respect, and habits of courtesy sooner and 
more effectually by intercourse with low company, than 
in any other manner ; while, in good company, these 
virtues will be cultivated and become habitual. 

29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than 
to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, 
and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently reten- 
tive to keep all the engagements you make stored within 
it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. 
Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, 
for, depend upon it, the fair sex forgive any other fault 
in good breeding, sooner than a broken engagement. 

30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentle- 
manly. The tone of good company is marked by its 
entire absence. Among well-informed persons there are 
plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any 
one present. 

31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping 
an appointment, and, when it is convenient, be a little 
beforehand. Such a habit ensures that composure and 
ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deport- 
ment ; want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 197 



and no man who is hurried and feverish appears so well 
as he whose punctuality keeps him cool and composed. 

32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do 
not exaggerate your capacity. The world will not give 
you credit for half what you esteem yourself. Some men 
think it so much gained to pass for more than they are 
worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, 
sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the 
gain. We may, therefore, set it down as a truth, that 
it is a damage to a man to have credit for greater powers 
than he possesses. 

33; Be ready to apologize when you have committed 
a fault which gives offence. Better, far better, to retain 
a friend by a frank, courteous apology for offence given, 
than to make an enemy by obstinately denying or per- 
sisting in the fault. 

34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. 
No matter how great the offence, a gentleman cannot 
keep his anger after an apology has been made, and 
thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always 
accepted. 

35. Unless you have something of real importance to 
ask or communicate, do not stop a gentleman in the 
street during business hours. Tou may detain him 
from important engagements, and, though he may be too 
well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for 
such detention. 

36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a 
friend stops you in the street, you may, without commit- 
ting any breach of etiquette, tell him of your appoint- 



198 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

merit, and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in 
a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. 

37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged 
to detain one of them, apologize to the other for so 
doing, whether he is an acquaintance or a stranger, and 
do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is neces- 
sary. 

88. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her 
with all that pure and holy friendship which renders a 
brother so worthy and noble. Learn to appreciate her 
sweet influence as portrayed in the following words : 

" He who has never known a sister's kind administra- 
tion, nor felt his heart warming beneath her endearing 
smile and love-beaming eye, has been unfortunate indeed. 
It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure feel- 
ing flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle 
emotions of his nature be lost in the sterner attributes 
of mankind. 

" 4 That man has grown up among affectionate sisters/ 
I once heard a lady of much observation and experience 
remark. 

"'And why do you think so?' said I. 

" 6 Because of the rich development of all the tender 
feelings of the heart.' 

" A sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper 
years ; and the heart of him who has grown cold in 
chilly contact with the world will warm and thrill with 
pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him 
the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister's voice; 
and he will turn from purposes which a warped and false 
philosophy had reasoned into expediency, and even weep 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 199 



for the gentle influences which moved him in his earlier 
years." 

The man who would treat a sister with harshness, 
rudeness, or disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gen- 
tleman, for he thus proves that the courtesies he extends 
to other ladies, are not the promptings of the heart, but 
the mere external signs of etiquette ; the husk without 
the sweet fruit within. 

39. When walking with a friend in the street, never 
leave him to speak to another friend without apologizing 
for so doing. 

40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in 
the street, under any circumstances. It is a gross viola- 
tion of etiquette to do so. 

41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the 
most unselfish, so I would say in the words of the 
Rev. J. A. James : 

"Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part 
well. Fill up the measure of duty to others. Conduct 
yourselves so that you shall be missed with sorrow when 
you are gone. Multitudes of our species are living in 
such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be re- 
membered after their disappearance. They leave behind 
them scarcely any traces of their existence, but are for- 
gotten almost as though they had never been. They are 
while they live, like one pebble lying unobserved amongst 
a million on the shore; and when they die, they are like 
that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles 
the surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed 
from the beach. They are neither regretted by the rich, 
wanted by the poor, nor celebrated by the learned. 



200 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

Who has been the better for their life? Who has been 
the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried 
up? whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they 
healed? Who would unbar the gate of life, to re-admit 
them to existence? or what face would greet them back 
again to our world with a smile ? Wretched, unpro- 
ductive mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; 
it is a starving vice. The man who does no good, gets 
none. He is like the heath in the desert, neither yield- 
ing fruit, nor seeing when good cometh — a stunted, 
dwarfish, miserable shrub." 

42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and 
you will see that the first requisite must be gentleness — 
gentle-mtm. Mackenzie says, "Few persons are suffi- 
ciently aware of the power of gentleness. It is slow in 
working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no 
noise; it neither invites attention, nor provokes resist- 
ance; but it is God's great law, in the moral as in the 
natural world, for accomplishing great results. The 
progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse 
of time, the changes of the seasons — these are carried 
on by slow and imperceptible degrees, yet their progress 
and issue none can mistake or resist. Equally certain 
and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. It as- 
sumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; 
it yields, but yielding is the element of its strength ; it 
endures, but in the warfare victory is not gained by doing, 
but by suffering." 

43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect 
peace of mind, so you should, as far as lies in human 
power, avoid the evils which make an unquiet mind, and, 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 201 

first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process called 
"running in debt." Owe no man anything; avoid it as 
you would avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it 
with a perfect hatred. As you value comfort, quiet, and 
independence, keep out of debt. As you value a healthy 
appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy 
wakings, keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all 
task-masters ; the most cruel of all oppressors. It is a 
mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus on the 
heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. 
It drags the nobleness and kindness out of the port and 
bearing of a man ; it takes the soul out of his laugh, and 
all stateliness and freedom from his walk. Come not, 
then, under its crushing dominion. 

44. Speak gently ; a kind refusal will often wound 
less than a rough, ungracious assent. 

45. "In private, watch your thoughts ; in your family, 
watch your temper; in society, watch your tongue." 

46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to 
have an humble opinion of yourself. True goodness is 
invariably accompanied by gentleness, courtesy, and hu- 
mility. Those people who are always " sticking on their 
dignity," are continually losing friends, making enemies, 
and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves. 

47. Are you a merchant ? Remember that the count- 
ing-house is no less a school of manners and temper than 
a school of morals. Vulgarity, imperiousness, peevish- 
ness, caprice on the part of the heads, will produce their 
corresponding effects upon the household. Some mer- 
chants are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit 
for any charge, unless it be that of taming a shrew. 



202 . gentlemen's book op etiquette. 



The coarseness of others, in manner and language, must 
either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In 
one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, 
which precludes all discipline. In another, a mock dig- 
nity, which supplies the juveniles with a standing theme 
of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood and 
temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the 
weather in the old almanacks — "windy"— " cool" — 
"very pleasant" — "blustering" — "look out for storms" 
— and the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, 
which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never 
cheers a clerk with a word of encouragement. — These 
are sad infirmities. Men ought not to have clerks until 
they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, too, 
would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment. 

48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any 
door, and unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, 
stand aside and raise your hat whilst she passes. If she 
is going the same way, and the door is closed, pass be- 
fore her, saying, "allow me," or, "permit me," — open 
the door, and hold it open whilst she passes. 

49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, 
take your hat, cane, and gloves in your left hand, that 
your right may be free to offer to them. 

50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady ; she will, 
if she wishes you to do so, offer her hand to you, and it 
is an impertinence for you to do so first. 

51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair 
in a public room, and a lady, an invalid, or an old man 
enters, rise, and offer your seat, even if they are 
strangers to you. Many men will attend to these civili- 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 203 

ties when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect 
them amongst strangers, but the true gentleman will not 
wait for an introduction before performing an act of 
courtesy. 

52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest 
degree blameable and ungentlemanly, I would quote the 
rule of Bishop Beveridge, which effectually prevents both. 
He says, "Never speak of a man's virtue before his 
face, nor of his faults behind his back." 

53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, 
after smoking, until you have purified both your mouth, 
teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish to smoke just be- 
fore entering a saloon, wear an old coat- and carefully 
brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own. 

54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a 
friend by nudging him, touching his foot or hand se- 
cretly, or making him a gesture. If you cannot speak 
to him frankly, you had best let him alone ; for these 
signals are generally made with the intention of ridicul- 
ing a third person, and that is the height of rudeness. 

55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable i 
breach of good manners. If a man requires to be forci- 
bly detained , to listen to you, you are as rude in thus de- 
taining him, as if you had put a pistol to his head and 
threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred. 

56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark | 
in general company, which is intelligible to one person 
only. To call out, " George, I met D. L. yesterday, 
and he says he will attend to that matter,'' is as bad as 
if you went to George and whispered in his ear. 

57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will 



204 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



mark you as a well-bred man, so much as a gentle, 
courteous manner. A request will make your wishes at- 
tended to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a 
service, oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely. 
Rough, harsh commands may make your orders obeyed 
well and promptly, but they will be executed unwillingly, 
in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy and kind- 
ness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service. 

58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many sup- 
pose, mark a man of genius. Most men of true genius 
are gentlemanly and reserved in their intercourse with 
other men, and there are many fools whose folly is called 
eccentricity. 

59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too 
great cordiality nor suffer them to take liberties with 
you. To check the familiarity of others, you need not 
become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find that ex- 
cessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a 
little formality, will soon abash the intruder. 

60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies 
are very rude. 

61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast 
of the favor shown him by a lady, speak of her by her 
first name, or allow others to jest with him upon his 
friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires 
her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with 
her, her name should be as sacred to him as if she were 
already his wife ; if, on the contrary, he is not on inti- 
mate terms with her, then he adds a lie to his excessively 
bad breeding, when using her name familiarly. 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 205 



62. "He that can please nobody is not so much to be 
pitied as he that nobody can please." 

63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first 
is a mark of pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A 
wise man will speak always clearly and intelligibly. 

64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself des- 
picable. Many things are said among friends which are 
not said under a seal of secrecy, but are understood to 
be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never 
violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if 
the most solemn promises of silence bound your tongue ; 
more so, indeed, to the true gentleman, as his sense of 
honor, not his word, binds him. . 

65. Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue 
are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and ad- 
miration of mankind, politeness and good breeding are 
equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable 
in conversation and common life. Great talents, such 
as honor, virtue, learning, and parts are above the gen- 
erality of the world, who neither possess them them- 
selves nor judge of them rightly in others; but all peo- 
ple are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affa- 
bility, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; 
because they feel the good effects of them, as making 
society easy and pleasing." 

66. " Good sense must, in many cases, determine good 
breeding ; because the same thing that would be civil at 
one time and to one person, may be quite otherwise at 
another time and to another person." 

67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite 



206 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



remark addressed to you, either with inattention or a 
rude answer, 

68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is 
terribly misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit 
and speak with spirit means to act rashly and speak in- 
discretely. A gentleman shows his spirit by firm, but 
gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but 
neither rash nor timid. 

69. " Use kind words. They do not cost much. It 
does not take long to utter them. They never blister 
the tongue or lips in their passage into the world, or oc- 
casion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have 
never heard of any mental trouble arising from this 
quarter. 

" Though they do not cost much, yet they accomplish 
much. They help one's own good nature and good will. 
One cannot be in a habit of this kind, without thereby 
picking away something of the granite roughness of his 
own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Phi- 
losophers tell us that the angry words a man uses, in his 
passion, are fuel to the flame of his wrath, and make it 
blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not words 
of the opposite character produce opposite results, and 
that most blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, 
be augmented by kind words? People that are forever 
speaking kindly, are forever disinclining themselves to 
ill-temper. 

" Kind words make other people good natured. Cold 
words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and 
sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter words make 
them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 207 



And kind words also produce their own image on men's 
souls. And a beautiful image it is. They soothe, and 
quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of 
his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become 
kind himself. 

"There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in 
our days, that it seems desirable to give kind words a 
chance among them. There are vain words, and idle 
words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly 
words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better 
than the whole of them, and it is a pity that, among the 
improvements of the present age, birds of this feather 
might not have more chance than they have had to spread 
their wings. \ 

"Kind words are in danger of being driven from the 
field, like frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous 
words, and warlike words, and passionate words. They 
have not the brass to stand up, like so many grenadiers, 
and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, 
they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know 
whether they have any right to make their appearance 
any more in our bustling world; not knowing but that, 
perhaps, the world was done with them, and would not 
like their company any more. 

"Let us welcome them back. We have not done with 
them. "We have not yet begun to use them in such 
abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot spare 
them." 

70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to 
endeavor to offend no one. To give pain by a light or 
jesting remark is as much a breach of etiquette, as to 



208 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a 
breach of humanity. 

71. " A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail 
and brawl against any one ; to speak evil of others in 
their absence; to exaggerate any of his statements: to 
speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, 
or use improper language; to hazard random and im- 
probable statements ; to speak rashly or violently upon 
any subject; to deceive people by circulating false reports, 
or to offer up lip-service in religion. But he will use it 
to convey to mankind useful information ; to instruct his 
family and others who need it ; to warn and reprove the 
wicked; to comfort and console the afflicted: to cheer 
the timid and fearful; to defend the innocent and op- 
pressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to con- 
gratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, 
tearfully and prayerfully, his faults." 

72. Chesterfield says, " Civility is particularly due to 
all women ; and, remember, that no provocation whatso- 
ever can justify any man in not being civil to every 
woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned 
a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It 
is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have 
against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a little 
is allowable with women: and a man may, without 
weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser 
than she is." (Chesterfield would not have said this in 
the present age of strong minded, sensible women.) 

73. There is much tact and good breeding to be dis- 
played in the correction of any little error that may 
occur in conversation. To say, shortly, — "You are 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 



209 



wrong! I know better!" is rude, and your friends will 
much more readily admit an error if you say courteously 
and gently, " Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of 
correcting you," or, "You will allow me, I am sure, to 
tell you that your informant made an error." If such 
an error is of no real importance, it is better to let it 
pass unnoticed. 

74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful 
when they go out into the world together, or admit 
others to their own circle, that they do not make a bad 
use of the knowledge which they have gained of each 
other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than 
this ; and, did it not mostly proceed from mere careless- 
ness, it would be superlatively ungenerous. You seldom 
need wait for the written life of a man to hear about his 
weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know 
his intimate friends, or meet him in company with them. 

75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be 
less apt to offend by being too ceremonious, than by 
being too familiar. 

76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, 
" Familiarity breeds contempt." 

77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a 
gentleman or a lady, whose timidity or bashfulness, 
shows them unaccustomed to meeting others, endeavor, 
by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them more 
at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in 
this endeavor. 

78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you 
meet a lady to whom your friend bows, you, too, must 

14 



210 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



touch or raise your hat, though you are not acquainted 
with the lady. 

79. " Although it is now very much the custom, in 
many wealthy families, for the butler to remove the 
dishes from the table and carve them on the sideboard, 
thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the 
house, and time to the guests, the practice is not so gen- 
eral even amongst what are called the higher classes of 
society that general instructions for carving will be un- 
interesting to them, to say nothing of the more numerous 
class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before 
their friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler 
if they were so inclined. Good carving is, to a certain 
extent, indicative of good society, for it proves to com- 
pany that the host does not give a dinner party for the 
first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and fre- 
quently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. 
The master or mistress of a house, who does not know 
how to carve, is not unfrequently looked upon as an ig- 
norant parvenu, as a person who cannot take a hand at 
w r hist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed 
his time in the parlor of a public house, playing at crib- 
bage or all fours. Independently, however, of the im- 
portance of knowing how to carve well, for the purpose 
of regaling one's friends and acquaintances, the science, 
and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any 
man, as it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to 
render valuable aid. There are many diners-out who 
are welcome merely because they know how to carve. 
Some men amuse by their conversation ; others are fa- 
vorites because they can sing a good song; but the man 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 211 



who makes himself useful and agreeable to all, is he who 
carves with elegance and speed. We recommend the 
novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every su- 
perior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way 
he will soon become well versed in the art and mystery 
of cutting up." 

80. Years may pass over our heads without affording 
an opportunity for acts of high beneficence or extensive 
utility; whereas, not a day passes, but in common trans- 
actions of life, and, especially in the intercourse of so- 
ciety, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness 
of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits 
of unselfish politeness. There are situations, not a few, 
in human life, when an encouraging reception, a conde- 
scending behaviour, and a look of sympathy, bring 
greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful gift. 

81. Cecil says, "You may easily make a sensation — 
but a sensation is a vulgar triumph. To keep up the 
sensation of an excitement, you must be always standing 
on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like 
everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to your- 
self and tedious to others. Whereas, to obtain perma- 
nent favor, as an agreeable, well-bred man, requires 
simply an exercise of the understanding:" 

82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemaniy than 
that of using profane language. Lamont says : 

"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe 
there never was a man who made a fortune by common 
swearing. It often appears that men pay for swearing, 
but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is 
not easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected 



212 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

•with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is 
a notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity 
because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low 
must be the character which such impertinence will 
exalt : high must be the character which such imperti- 
nence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must 
be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to 
support it. The drunkard has his cups ; the satirist, his 
revenge; the ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, 
his gold ; but the common swearer has nothing ; he is a 
fool at large, sells his soul for nought, and drudges in 
the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all 
plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor inter- 
woven with the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied 
to our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it, ' Though 
some men pour out oaths as if they were natural, yet no 
man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it 
is a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low 
and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor, no regard 
to decency, but are forced to substitute some rhapsody 
of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense. 
Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled 
by the silliness of those who adopt it." 

83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well "there 
must, in the first place, be knowledge — there must be 
materials; in the second place, there must be a command 
of words; in the third place, there must be imagination 
to place things in such views as they are not commonly 
seen in ; and, in the fourth place, there must be a 
presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be over- 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 213 



come by failure — this last is an essential requisite ; for 
-want of it, many people do not excel in conversation." 

84. "Do not constantly endeavor to draw the atten- 
tion of all upon yourself when in company. Leave room 
for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond 
what you speak ; and, remember, the more you are 
praised the more you will be envied." 

85. Be very careful to treat with attention and re- 
spect those who have lately met with misfortunes, or 
have suffered from loss of fortune. Such persons are 
apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is 
intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the 
least rub very severely, and who would thus cruelly add 
affliction to the afflicted ? Not the gentleman certainly. 

86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a win- 
ning behavior will not conceal or make tolerable ; and 
there is no external grace which ill-nature or affectation 
will not deform. 

87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the 
darts of the satirist ; but if you are the first to laugh at 
a jest made upon yourself, others will laugh with you 
instead of at you. 

88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, 
you may feel assured that he is the man who will be 
servile and cringing to his superiors; and he who acts 
the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with 
the strong. 

89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for 
perfect truth. Do not think of one falsity as harmless, 
another as slight, a third as unintended. Cast them all 
aside. They may be light and accidental, but they are 



214 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and 
it is better to have your heart swept clean of them, 
without stopping to consider whether they are large and 
black. 

90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and 
intelligent intercourse with the world is strongly to be 
recommended. A man who keeps aloof from society and 
lives only for himself, does not fulfil the wise intentions 
of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual 
help and comfort to each other in life. 

91. Chesterfield says, " Merit and good breeding will 
make their way everywhere. Knowledge will introduce 
man, and good breeding will endear him to the best 
companies; for, politeness and good breeding are abso- 
lutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities 
or talents. Without them, no knowledge, ho perfection 
whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without 
good breeding, is a pedant ; the philosopher, a cynic ; 
the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable." 

92. It is very seldom that a man may permit him- 
self to tell stories in society; they are, generally, 
tedious, and, to many present, will probably have all the 
weariness of a 44 twice-told tale." A short, brilliant an- 
ecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation 
going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit 
himself to inflict. 

93. It is better to take the tone of the society into 
which you are thrown, than to endeavor to lead others / 
after you. The way to become truly popular is to be 
grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and converse 
sensibly with those who seek to display their sense. 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 215 

94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that 
all the habits which you contract there may be useful 
and good ones. Like flakes of snow that fall un- 
perceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant 
events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers 
together, so are our habits formed. No single flake that 
is added to the pile produces a sensible change — no single 
action creates, however it may exhibit, a man's character; 
but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the moun- 
tain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, 
so passion, acting upon the elements of mischief, which 
pernicious habits have brought together by imperceptible 
accumulation, may overthrow the edifice of truth and 
virtue. 

95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than 
too great diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, 
clogs every word. The only way to overcome the fault 
is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual inter- 
course with others will give you the graceful ease of 
manner which shyness utterly destroys. 

96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at 
an early hour, take French leave. Slip away unper- 
ceived, if you can, but, at any rate, without any formal 
leave-taking. 

97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that 
you have the right side in an argument, yield your 
opinion gracefully, if this is the only way to avoid a 
quarrel, saying, " We cannot agree, I see, but this ina- 
bility must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss 
the subject no further." Few men will be able to resist 
your courtesy and good nature, but many would try to 



216 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

combat an obstinate adherence to your own side of the 
question. 

98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this 
country so justly complain— I mean spitting. 

99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the 
bow. It may be an acquaintance whose face you do 
not immediately recognize, and if it is a stranger who 
mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve 
him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake. 

100. The following hints on conversation conclude the 
chapter : — 

" Conversation may be carried on successfully by per- 
sons who have no idea that it is or may be an art, as 
clever things are sometimes done without study. But 
there can be no certainty of good conversation in or- 
dinary circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, 
unless certain rules be observed, and certain errors be 
avoided. 

"The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that 
all must be favorably disposed towards each other, and 
willing to be pleased. There must be no sullen or un- 
easy-looking person — -no one who evidently thinks he 
has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim 
it is to take care lest his dignity be injured — no one 
whose feelings are of so morose or ascetic a kind that he 
cannot join without observable pain and hesitation in the 
playfulness of the scene — no matter-of-fact person, who 
takes all things literally, and means all things literally, 
and thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest 
as to do it in earnest. One of any of these classes 
of persons is sufficient to mar the enjoyments of a hun- 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 217 



dred. The matter-of-factisli may do very well with the 
matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted 
with the stilted; and they should accordingly keep 
amongst themselves respectively. But, for what is gen- 
erally recognized as agreeable conversation, minds ex- 
empted from these peculiarities are required. 

"The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, ne- 
cessary — no rudeness, no offence to each other's self- 
esteem ; on the contrary, much mutual deference is re- 
quired, in order to keep all the elements of a company 
sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind 
of conversation, where there is no want of common good 
breeding. This, most frequently, arises from there being 
too great a disposition to speak, and too small a disposi- 
tion to listen. Too many are eager to get their ideas 
expressed, or to attract attention ; and the consequence 
is, that nothing is heard but broken snatches and frag- 
ments of discourse, in which there is neither profit nor 
entertainment. No man listens to what another has to 
say, and then makes a relative or additionally illustrative 
remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a 
minute, but it is with manifest impatience ; and the mo- 
ment he is done, or stops to draw breath, the other 
plunges in with what he had to say, being something 
quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. 
He in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enun- 
ciation of some favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative ; 
and thus conversation becomes no conversation, but a 
contention for permission to speak a few hurried words, 
which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to 
answer. Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and 



218 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



ungratified. The want of regulation is here very mani- 
fest. It would be better to have a president who should 
allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without 
interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so mon- 
strously to abuse it. The only remedy, as far as meet- 
ings by invitation are concerned, is to take care that no 
more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely 
necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One 
to every six or eight persons is the utmost that can be 
safely allowed. 

"The danger of introducing politics, or any other no- 
toriously controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so 
generally acknowledged, that conversation is in little 
danger— at least in polite circles — from that source. 
But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very 
frequently the company falls together by the ears in 
consequence of the starting of some topic in which facts 
are concerned — with which facts no one chances to be 
acquainted. 

" Conversation is often much spoilt through slight in- 
attentions or misapprehensions on the part of a particu- 
lar member of the company. In the midst of some in- 
teresting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts all to 
a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be ex- 
plained, which he could never have fallen into, if he had 
been paying a fair degree of attention to what was going 
on. Or he has some precious prejudice jarred upon by 
something said, or supposed to be said, and all is at a 
stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a 
vexed company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often 
the most frivolous interruption from such causes will dis- 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 219 



concert the whole strain of the conversation, and spoil 
the enjoyment of a score of people. 

"The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a differ- 
ent class from those who may be called the determinedly 
loquacious. A thoroughly loquacious man has no idea 
of anything but a constant outpouring of talk from his 
own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he 
is not doing his duty to the company ; and, anxious that 
there should be no cause of complaint against him on 
that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or gives the 
same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, 
than allow the least pause to take place. The notion 
that any other body can be desirous of saying a word, 
never enters his head. He would as soon suppose that 
a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that 
any one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was 
willing to save them the trouble. Any attempt to inter- 
rupt him is quite hopeless. The only effect of the sound 
of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, so as 
to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the 
flow of his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided 
attempt is made to get in a few words, he only says, with 
an air of offended feeling, set off with a tart courtesy, 
' Allow me sir,' or, 'When you are done, sir;' as if he 
were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, 
to say all he had to say. If, however, he has been per- 
mitted to talk on and on incessantly a whole evening, 
to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he 
goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which 
arises from a gratified faculty, remarking to the gentle- 
man who takes his arm, 'What a great deal of pleasant 



220 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

conversation we have had!' and chatters forth all the 
way home such sentences as, 'Excellent fellow, our host/ 
6 charming wife,' 'delightful family altogether/ 'always 
make everybody so happy.' 

44 Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud 
talkers or blusterers. They are not numerous, but one 
is enough to destroy the comfort of thirty people for a 
whole evening. The least opposition to any of his ideas 
makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and 
roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in 
something like the condition of iEneas's fleet after Eolus 
has done his worst. The society enjoyed by this kind 
of man is a series of first invitations. 

"While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons 
are best left to themselves, and while endless worryings 
on unknown things are to be avoided, it is necessary 
both that one or two good conversationists should be at 
every party, and that the strain of the conversation 
should not be allowed to become too tame. In all in- 
vited parties, eight of every ten persons are disposed to 
hold their peace, or to confine themselves to monosyl- 
labic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is necessary, 
therefore, that there should be some who can speak, and 
that fluently, if not entertainingly — only not too many. 
But all engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, 
and over-eagerness, and egotism, are to be condemned. 
A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, been settled 
upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for con- 
versation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affecta- 
tion; but, yet, when we observe the injurious conse- 
quences of the opposite style in less polite companies, it 



HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 221 



is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great folks 
are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no 
one has his ears offended with loud and discordant tones, 
no one is condemned to absolute silence. All display in 
conversation will not depend on the accidental and ex- 
ternal quality of strength of voice, as it must do where 
a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed ; the 
soft-toned and the weak-lunged will have as good a 
chance as their more robust neighbors; and it will be 
possible for all both to speak and to hear. There may 
■ be another advantage in its being likely to produce less 
mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of so- 
ciety. But regulation is, we are persuaded, the thing 
most of all wanted in the conversational meetings of the 
middle classes. People interrupt each other too much 
— are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, 
without caring for the topic of their neighbors — too fre- 
quently wrangle about trifles. The regularity of a de- 
bating society would be intolerable; but some certain 
degree of method might certainly be introduced with 
great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous 
enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking 
at a time, even though none of those waiting for their 
turn should listen to a word he says. Without this there 
may be much talk, and even some merriment, but no con- 
versation." 



222 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XII. 

PARTIES. 

Now, there are many different kinds of parties. 
There are the evening party, the matinee, the reading, 
dancing, and singing parties, the picnic, the boating, 
and the riding parties ; and the duties for each one are 
distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present sub- 
ject is : — 

THE EVENING PARTY. 

These are of two kinds, large and small. For the 
first, you will receive a formal card, containing the com- 
pliments of your hostess for a certain evening, and this 
calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very light 
gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited 
verbally, or by a more familiar style of note than the 
compliment card. Here you may wear gloves if you 
will, but you need not do so unless perfectly agreeable to 
yourself. 

If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at 
the hour she chooses to name, and the most elegant way 
is to take a carriage for her. If you wish to present a 
bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, even if 
you have but a slight acquaintance with her. 



PARTIES. 



223 



When you reach the house of your hostess for the 
evening, escort your companion to the dressing-room, 
and leave her at the door. After you have deposited 
your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen's dressing- 
room, return to the ladies' door and wait for your com- 
panion. Offer her your right arm, and lead her to the 
drawing-room, and, at once, to the hostess, then take her 
to a seat, and remain with her until she has other com- 
panions, before you seek any of your own friends in the 
room. 

There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in 
a ivell-arranged party, than in a ball, though many of 
the points of etiquette to be observed in the latter are 
equally applicable to the former. There is more time 
allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many 
people collected, there is also more opportunity for 
forming acquaintances. At a soiree, par excellence, \ 
music, dancing, and conversation are all admissible, and 
if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is very 
pleasing. As there are many times when there is no 
pianist or music engaged for dancing, you will do well, 
if you are a performer on the piano-forte, to learn some 
quadrilles, and round dances, that you may volunteer 
your services as orchestra. Do not, in this case, wait to 
be solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, 
or, if there is a lady at the piano, ask permission to re- 
lieve her. To turn the leaves for another, and some- 
times call figures, are also good natured and well-bred 
actions. 

There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, 
against which I would caution you. Young people very 



224 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

often form a group, and indulge in the most boisterous 
merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to 
themselves. Do not join such a group. A well-bred 
man, while he is cheerful and gay, will avoid any ap- 
pearance of romping in society. 

If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, 
your first dance should be with the lady whom you ac- 
companied, then, invite your hostess, and, if there are 
several ladies in the family you must invite each of them 
once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, 
invite the ladies of the house before dancing with any 
of your other lady friends. 

Never attempt any dance with which you are not per- 
fectly familiar. Nothing is more awkward and annoy- 
ing than to have one dancer, by his ignorance of the 
figures, confuse all the others in the set, and certainly 
no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of 
a round dance before a room full of company. 

Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A 
party is meant to promote sociability, and a man who 
persists in a t§te-a-tete for the evening, destroys this in- 
tention. Besides you prevent others from enjoying the 
pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopo- 
lize. 

Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady 
present; and even if you really enjoy such intimacy, or 
she is a relative, do not appear to have confidential con- 
versation, or, in any other way, affect airs of secrecy or 
great familiarity. 

Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, 
but not taking too great pains with your steps. If your 



PARTIES. 



225 



whole attention is given to your feet or carriage, you will 
probably be mistaken for a dancing master. 

When you conduct your partner to a seat after a 
dance, you may sit or stand beside her to converse, un- 
less you see that another gentleman is waiting to invite 
her to dance. 

Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you 
are acquainted with her. 

After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, 
to conduct your partner to her seat. 

If music is called for and you are able to play or sing, 
do so when first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not 
afterwards comply. If you refuse, and then alter your 
mind you will either be considered a vain coxcomb, who 
likes to be urged ; or some will conclude that you refused 
at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason 
for declining, why change your mind ? 

Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one 
playing, unless you can read the notes, for you run the 
risk of confusing them, by turning too soon or too late. 

If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady un- 
less she herself invites you. Her friends may wish to 
hear you sing together, when she herself may not wish 
to sing with one to whose voice and time she is unaccus- 
tomed. 

Do not start a conversation whilst any one is either 
playing or singing, and if another person commences one, 
speak in a tone that will not prevent others from listen- 
ing to the music. 

If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the 
room before you begin. If you play well, those really 
15 



226 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



fond of music will cease to converse, and listen to you ; 
and those who do not care for it, will not stop talking 
if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn. 

Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they 
can enjoy one another's society at home, and it is the 
constantly changing intercourse, and complete sociability 
that make a party pleasant. 

Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often 
the occasions for evening parties, and make a very plea- 
sant variety on the usual dancing and small talk. An 
English writer, speaking of them, says : 

" Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be 
very good to be successful. Professionals alone should 
be engaged for the former, none but real amateurs for the 
latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, followed by a 
supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not 
positively trying. In any case, refreshments and ices 
should be handed between the songs and the acts. Pri- 
vate concerts are often given in the 'morning/ that is, 
from two to six P. M. ; in the evening their hours are 
from eight to eleven. The rooms should be arranged in 
the same manner as for a reception, the guests should be 
seated, and as music is the avowed object, a general 
silence preserved while it lasts. Between the songs the 
conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the 
general form of a reception. For private theatricals, 
however, where there is no special theatre, and where the 
curtain is hung, as is most common, between the folding- 
doors, the audience-room must be filled with chairs and 
benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised 
higher than the others. These are often removed when 



PARTIES. 



227 



the performance is over, and the guests then converse, 
or, sometimes, even dance. During the acting it is rude 
to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it good or 
bad, you would never think of hissing." 

If you are alone, and obliged to retire early from an 
evening party, do not take leave of your hostess, but slip 
away unperceived. 

4 If you have escorted a lady, her time must be yours, 
and she will tell you when she is ready to go. See 
whether the carriage has arrived before she goes to the 
dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If 
the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you 
walked, ascertain whether it is still pleasant ; if not, pro- 
cure a carriage for your companion. When it is at the 
door, join her in the drawing-room, and offer your arm 
to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your 
own parting bow at the same time, then take your com- 
panion to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, get your 
own hat and wait in the entry until she comes out. 

When you reach your companion's house, do not ac- 
cept her invitation to enter, but ask permission to call in 
the morning, or the following evening, and make that 
call. 



228 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

COURTESY AT HOME. 

There are many men in this world, who would be 
horror struck if accused of the least breach of etiquette 
towards their friends and acquaintances abroad, and yet, 
who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules of 
politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their 
own selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and 
holy ties which should make courtesy at home a pleasure 
as well as a duty. They forget that home has a sweet 
poetry of its own, created out of the simplest materials, 
yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every 
human heart ; it is divided into a thousand separate 
poems, which should be full of individual interest, little 
quiet touches of feeling and golden recollections, which, 
in the heart of a truly noble man, are interwoven with 
his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed 
and made beautiful by the spell of memory and associa- 
tion, owing all their glory to the halo of his own pure, 
fond affection. The eye of a stranger rests coldly on 
such revelations ; their simple pathos is hard to be un- 
derstood; and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness 
of those passages which make others weep. With the 
beautiful instinct of true affection, home love retains 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



229 



only the good. There were clouds then, even as now, 
darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears 
or wild storms above our heads ; but he remembers no- 
thing save the sunshine, and fancies somehow that it has 
never shone so bright since ! How little it took to make 
him happy in those days, aye, and sad also ; but it was 
a pleasant sadness, for he w T ept only over a flower or a 
book. But let us turn to our first poem; and in using 
this term we allude, of course, to the poetry of idea, 
rather than that of the measure ; beauty of which is so 
often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist 
without rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, 
gentle reader, to the living testimony of a poet heart, 
brimful, and gushing over with home love: — " There are 
not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more 
true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are 
so certain to give none but the tenderest counsel, as the 
voices in which the spirits of the fireside and the hearth 
address themselves to human kind !" 

The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties 
and associations by pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon 
as his foot passes his own threshold, is not really a gentle- 
man, but a selfish tyrant, whose true qualities are not 
courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical affectation of 
them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid 
such men. Even though you are one of the favored 
ones abroad who receive their gentle courtesy, you may 
rest assured that the heartless egotism which makes them 
rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship but 
a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Above 
all, avoid their example. 



230 • gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

In what does the home circle consist ? First, there 
are the parents who have watched over your infancy 
and childhood, and whom you are commanded by the 
Highest Power to " honor.' ' Then the brothers and sis- 
ters, the wife who has left her own home and all its 
tender ties for your sake, and the children who look to 
you for example, guidance, and instruction. 

Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim 
to your gentleness and courtesy that they can? If you 
are rude at home, then is your politeness abroad a mere 
cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart. 

The parents who have anxiously watched over your 
education, have the first right to the fruits of it, and all 
the gentleman should be exerted to repay them for the 
care they have taken of you since your birth. All the 
rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, pa- 
tience, and respectful affection should be exerted for 
your parents. You owe to them a pure, filial love, void 
of personal interest, which should prompt you to study 
all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, in order to in- 
dulge the one and avoid the other; you owe to them po- 
lite attention, deference to all their wishes, and compli- 
ance with their requests. Every joy will be doubled to 
them, if you show a frank pleasure in its course, and no 
comfort can soothe the grief of a parent so much as the 
sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, de- 
pendent upon you for support, then can you still better 
prove to them that the tender care they lavished upon 
you, when you depended upon their love for everything, 
was not lost, but was good seed sown upon fruitful 
ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



231 



crosses of bad temper, or exacting selfishness, your duty 
still lies as plainly before you. It is but the promptings 
of natural affection that will lead you to love and cherish 
an indulgent parent ; but it is a pure, high virtue which 
makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a 
selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, harsh father. 
No failure in their duty can excuse you if you fail in 
yours ; and, even if they are wicked, you are not to be 
their judge, but-, while you detest and avoid their sin, 
you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the grossest 
and most revolting brutality could make a man reproach 
his parents with the feebleness of age or illness, or the 
incapacity to exert their talents for support. 

An eminent writer, in speaking of a man's duties, 
says: "Do all in your power to render your parents 
comfortable and happy ; if they are aged and infirm, be 
with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of 
your love, and show them that you feel a tender interest 
in their happiness. Be all to your parents, which you 
would wish your children to be to you." 

Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sis- 
ters, and here you will find the little courtesies, which, 
as a gentleman, should be habitual to you, will ensure 
the love a man should most highly prize, the love of his 
brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is the 
first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves. 

If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your 
example, influence your brothers to good or evil, and win 
or alienate the affections of your little sisters. There is 
scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in the world than 
that a sister feels for an elder brother. Even though he 



232 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will gen- 
erally cherish it, and invest him with the most heroic 
qualities, while her tender little heart, though it may 
quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude action, will 
still try to find an excuse for "brother's" want of affec- 
tion. If you show an interest in the pursuits of the 
little circle at whose head your age entitles you to stand, 
you will soon find they all look up to you, seek your ad- 
vice, crave your sympathy, and follow your example. 
The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should 
death or infirmity deprive him of a father's counsel, ho 
should be prepared to stand forth as the head of the 
family, and take his father's place towards his mother 
and the younger children. 

Every man should feel, that in the character and dig- 
nity of his sisters his own honor is involved. An insult 
or affront offered to them, becomes one to him, and he 
is the person they will look to for protection, and to 
prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he 
can ensure to them the respect or contempt of other 
men whom they meet when in his society. How can he 
expect that his friends will treat his sisters with gentle- 
ness, respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly 
rude, disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? 
But, if his own manner is that of affectionate respect, 
he need not fear for them rudeness from others, while 
they are under his protection. An American writer 
says :— 

" Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with 
more delight than to see brothers treat their sisters with 
kindness, civility, attention, and love. On the contrary, 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



233 



nothing is more offensive or speaks worse for the honor 
of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which 
brothers sometimes exhibit." 
The same author says : — 

"Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold 
is tarnished by much handling. If you speak in their 
praise — of their beauty, learning, manners, wit, or at- 
tentions— you will subject them to taunt and ridicule; 
if you say anything against them, you will bring re- 
proach upon yourself and them too. If you have occa- 
sion to speak of them, do it with modesty and few words. 
Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy it. If 
you are separated from them, maintain with them a cor- 
respondence. This will do yourself good as well as them. 
Do not neglect this duty, nor grow remiss in it. Give 
your friendly advice and seek theirs in return. As they 
mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten your 
mind respecting many particulars relating to female 
character, important for you to know ; and, on the other 
hand, you have the same opportunity to do them a 
similar service. However long or widely separated from 
them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. 
It is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his 
sister. 

" If you are living at home with them, you may do 
them a thousand little services, which will cost you no- 
thing but pleasure, and which will greatly add to theirs. 
If they wish to go out in the evening — to a lecture, con- 
cert, a visit, or any other object, — always be happy, if 
possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation, 



234 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



and think how you would wish them to treat you if the 
case were reversed/' 

A young man once said to an elderly lady, who ex- 
pressed her regret at his having taken some trouble and 
denied himself a pleasure to gratify her : — 

" Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters 
now, but when I was at home, my greatest pleasure was 
to protect them and gratify all their wishes ; let me now 
place you in their stead, and you will not have cause 
again to feel regret, for you can think 'he must love to 
deny himself for one who represents his mother.' " 

The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect 
gentleman, and was contradicted by a younger person 
who quoted some fault in etiquette committed by the 
young man in company. "Ah, that may be," said her 
friend; "but what I call a gentleman, is not the man 
who performs to the minutest point all the little ceremo- 
nies of society, but the one whose heart prompts him to 
be polite at home." 

If you have left the first home circle, that comprising 
your parents, brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties 
of a husband and father, you must carry to your new 
home the same politeness I have advised you to exert in 
the home of your childhood. 

Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than 
when you were courting her. She has given up, for 
your sake, all the freedom and pleasures of her maiden- 
hood, and to you she looks for a love that will replace 
them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection ? 
Before your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy 
too great, if the result was to afford her pleasure ; why, 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



235 



then, not strive to keep her love, by the same gentle 
courtesy you exerted to win it ? 

"A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes 
of your wife, will tend, more than anything else, to the 
promotion of your domestic happiness. It requires no 
sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of attention, yet 
is the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the ob- 
ject of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, 
you have united the more punctilious behaviour of a 
lover. These trivial tokens of regard certainly make 
much way in the affections of a woman of sense and dis- 
cernment, who looks not to the value of the gifts she re- 
ceives, but perceives in their frequency a continued evi- 
dence of the existence and ardor of that love on which 
the superstructure of her happiness has been erected. 
The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it 
with diminished warmth." 

Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth 
the consideration of every young man : 

" After marriage," she says, "when your violence of 
passion subsides, and a more cool and tranquil affection 
takes its place, be not hasty to censure as indifferent, or 
to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost that only 
which it is impossible to retain ; and it were graceless 
amidst the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret 
the blossoms of a transient spring. Neither unwarily 
condemn your bride's insipidity, till you have recollected 
that no object, however sublime, no sound, however 
charming, can continue to transport us with delight, 
when they no longer strike us with novelty. The skill 
to renovate the powers of pleasing is said, indeed, to be 



236 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

possessed by some women in an eminent degree, but the 
artifices of .maturity are seldom seen to adorn the inno- 
cence of youth. You have made your choice and ought 
to approve it. 

"To be happy, we must always have something in 
view. Turn, therefore, your attention to her mind, 
which will daily grow brighter by polishing. Study some 
easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, 
while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, 
by this means, have many pursuits in common, and be 
freed from the necessity of separating to find amuse- 
ment ; endeavor to cement the present union on every 
side; let your wife never be kept ignorant of your in- 
come, your expenses, your friendships, or your aver- 
sions ; let her know your very faults, but make them 
amiable by your virtues ; consider all concealment as a 
breach of fidelity; let her never have anything to find 
out in your character, and remember that from the mo- 
ment one of the partners turns spy upon the other, they 
have commenced a state of hostility. 

" Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a 
refinement of wisdom as a deviation into folly. Listen 
not to those sages who advise you always to scorn the 
counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her requests 
pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any priva- 
tion, except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not 
congratulate yourself that your wife is not a learned 
lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make a pudding. 
Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and 
may both be used with advantage. With regard to ex- 
pense, I can only observe, that the money laid out in the 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



237 



purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever profitably em- 
ployed. We live in an age when splendid furniture and 
glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the 
notice of the meanest spectator; and for the greater 
ones, they can only regard our wasteful folly with silent 
contempt or open indignation. 

"This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but 
the following consideration ought to make amends. The 
age we live in pays, I think, a peculiar attention to the 
higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and virtue, to 
which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more 
honorably aspire. 

" The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing 
to you ; but, pray, let her not suspect that it grows less 
so. There is no reproof, however pointed, no punish- 
ment, however severe, that a woman of spirit will not 
prefer to neglect ; and if she can endure it without com- 
plaint, it only proves that she means to make herself 
amends by the attention of others for the slights of her 
husband. For this, and for every other reason, it be- 
hoves u married man not to let his politeness fail, though 
• his ardour may abate; but to retain, at least, that general 
civility towards his own lady which he is willing to pay 
to every other, and not show a wife of eighteen or twenty 
years old, that every man in company can treat her with 
more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her 
eternal fondness. 

"It is not my opinion that a young woman should be 
indulged in every wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy 
head; but contradiction may be softened by domestic 
kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the place of 



238 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so ex- 
pensive as is sometimes imagined ; but they tend to alienate 
the minds of married people from each other. A well- 
chosen society of friends and acquaintances, more em- 
inent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety and 
splendor, where the conversation of the day may afford 
comment for the evening, seems the most rational plea- 
sure that can be afforded. That your own superiority 
should always be seen, but never felt, seems an excellent 
general rule. 

"If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you, 
let me beseech you be always explicit with her, never mys- 
terious. Be above delighting in her pain in all things." 

After your duty to your wife comes that towards the 
children whom God lends to you, to fit them to return 
pure and virtuous to him. This is your task, responsi- 
bility, and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, earnestly, 
and humbly, as the highest and most sacred duty this 
life ever can afford you. 

The relationship between parent and child, is one that 
appears to have been ordained by Providence, to bring 
the better feelings of mankind and many domestic virtues 
into active exercise. The implicit confidence with which 
children, when properly treated, look up to their elders 
for guidance is not less beautiful than endearing ; and no 
parents can set about the work of guiding aright, in 
real earnest, without deriving as much good as they im- 
part. The feeling with which this labor of love would 
be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy, twice 
blessed : — 

" It blesses him that gives and him that takes." 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



239 



And yet, in daily life and experience, how seldom do we 
find these views realized ! Children, in too many in- 
stances, are looked on as anything but a blessing ; they 
are treated as incumbrances, or worse ; and the neglect 
in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossi- 
ble for them, when they grow older, to know anything 
properly of moral or social duties. This result we know, 
in numerous cases, is not willful, does not arise from ill 
intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed 
plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in 
this country whose daily life is nothing better than a 
daily scramble, where time and place, from getting up 
in the morning to going to bed at night, are regarded as 
matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the 
inmates are willing to do well, but don't know how, a 
word in season is often welcome. 66 Great principles,'' 
we are told, " are at the bottom of all things ; but to 
apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, 
and insights are needed." 

The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by 
the fact, that children are very imitative ; what they see 
others do, they will try to do themselves, and if they see 
none but good examples, good conduct on their part may 
naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, 
and are very ready at drawing conclusions when they 
see a want of correspondence between profession and 
practice, in those who have the care of them. At the 
age of seven, the child's brain has reached its full 
growth ; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and 
it then contains the germ of all that the man ever ac- 
complishes. Here is an additional reason for laying 



240 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

down the precept : — be yourselves what you wish the 
children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be 
administered in such a way as to make the child refrain 
from doing wrong from a desire to do right, not for the 
sole reason that wrong brings punishment. All expe- 
rience teaches us that if a good thing is to be obtained, 
it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good 
things, the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is 
one of the greatest. Parents, or educators, have no 
right to use their children just as whim or prejudice may 
dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social 
chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions 
which otherwise would be completely disjointed; their 
joyousness enlivens many a home, and their innocence 
is a powerful check and antidote to much that is evil. 
The implicit obedience which is required of them, will 
always be given when called forth by a spirit of forbear- 
ance, self-sacrifice, and love :— 

"Ere long conies the reward, 
And for the cares and toils we have endured, 
Repays us joys and pleasures manifold " 

If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do 
you give your children the most forcible teaching for 
their duty, example. And your duty to your children 
requires your example to be good in all things. How 
can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if 
you constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not 
forget, that early impressions are deep and lasting, 
and from their infancy let them see you keep an upright, 
noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them follow 
in your footsteps. 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



241 



Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, and no one distin- 
guishes its niceties more quickly than a child. There- 
fore in your rewards and punishments examine carefully 
every part of their conduct, and judge calmly, not 
hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward 
will make a child question your judgment as much as an 
unmerited punishment. 

Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the 
heat of passion. 

If your sons see that you regard the rules of polite- 
ness in your home, you will find that they treat their 
mother and sisters with respect and courtesy, and observe, 
even in play, the rules of etiquette your example teaches ; 
but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and 
stronger children will strive to act like "father," by ill- 
treating or neglecting the younger and weaker ones. 

Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use 
pure and grammatical language, avoid slang phrases, and, 
above all, profanity. You will find this rule, enforced 
during childhood, will have more effect than a library full 
of books or the most unwearied instruction can accom- 
plish, after bad habits in conversation have once been 
formed. 

Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules 
of politeness towards each other. Let your sons treat 
your daughters as, when men, you would have them treat 
other females, and let your daughters, by gentleness and 
love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that 
the brothers and sisters, who are polite one to another, 
will not err in etiquette when abroad. 

In the home circle may very properly be included the 
16 



242 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 

humble portion, whose onerous duties are too often re- 
paid by harshness and rudeness ; I mean the servants. 
A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity from 
his servants, will always remember that they are human 
beings, who feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the 
more favored ones up stairs. Chesterfield says : — 

" There is a certain politeness due to your inferiors, 
and whoever is without it, is without good nature. We 
do not need to compliment our servants, nor to talk of 
their doing us the honor, &c, but we ought to treat them 
with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same 
species, and no distinction whatever is between us, ex- 
cept that which arises from fortune. For example, your 
footman and cook would be your equals were they as 
rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve you. 
Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by in- 
sulting or ill-treating them. If your situation is prefer- 
able to theirs, be thankful, without either despising them 
or being vain of your better fortune* You must, there- 
fore, treat all your inferiors with affability and good 
manners, and not speak to them in a surly tone, nor 
with harsh expressions, as if they were of a different 
species. A good heart never reminds people of their 
inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their misfortunes, 
and make them forget them." 

"Example," says Mrs. Parkes, "is of the greatest im- 
portance to our servants, particularly those who are 
young, whose habits are frequently formed by the first 
service they enter. With the mild and good, they be- 
come softened and improved, but with the dissipated and 
violent, are too often disorderly and vicious. It is, 



COURTESY AT HOME. 



243 



therefore, not among the least of the duties incumbent 
on the head of the family, to place in their view such 
examples as are worthy their imitation. But these ex- 
amples, otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be ren- 
dered disagreeable, nor have their force diminished by 
any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by the hap- 
piness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards 
our domestics, should they be made sensible of the 
beauty of virtue. What we admire, we often strive to 
imitate, and thus they may be led on to imitate good 
principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits." 



244 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

TRUE COURTESY. 

Politeness is the art of pleasing. It is to the de- 
portment what the finer touches of the pencil are to the 
picture, or what harmony is to music. In the form- 
ation of character, it is indispensably requisite. "We 
are all," says Locke, "a kind of chameleons, that take 
a tincture from the objects which surround us." True 
courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists in accommodating our- 
selves to the feelings of others, without descending from 
our own dignity, or denuding ..ourselves of our own prin- 
ciples. By constant intercourse with society, we acquire 
what is called politeness almost intuitively, as the shells 
of the sea are rendered smooth by the unceasing friction 
of the waves; though there appears to be a natural 
grace about the well-bred, which many feel it difficult to 
attain. 

Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do 
unto others as we would others do unto us. This in- 
cludes the whole principle of courtesy, which in this we 
may remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It 
comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting 
not merely in external show, but having its principle in 
the heart. The politeness which superficial writers are 



TRUE COURTESY. 



245 



fond of describing, has been defined as "the appearance 
of all the virtues, without possessing one of them;" 
but by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that 
kind of artificial adornment of demeanor, which owes its 
existence to an over-refinement of civility. Anything 
forced or formal is contrary to the very character of 
courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deport- 
ment alone, but is prompted and guided by a superior 
mind, impelling the really polite person to bear with the 
failings of some, to overlook the weakness of others, and 
to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of 
the essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, 
and an inclination always to look at the bright side of 
things. 

The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the 
temper, to submit to the weakness of our fellow men, 
and to render to all their due, freely and courteously. 
These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves to 
those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination 
to know when and to whom to yield, as well as the dis- 
cretion to treat all with the deference due to their repu- 
tation, station, or merit, comprise, in general, the char- 
acter of a polite man, over which the admission of even 
one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily re- 
moved. 

Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy ; 
for, without it, the social system would have no perma- 
nent foundation or hope of continuance. It is the want 
of this which makes society, what it is said to be, arti- 
ficial. 

Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in b$ing 



246 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



easy, but not indifferent; good humored, but not fa- 
miliar ; passive, but not unconcerned. It includes, also, 
a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact delicate, yet true. 
There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a po- 
lite man ; and it is impossible not to be struck with his 
affable air. There is a golden mean in the art, which it 
should be every body's object to attain, without descend- 
ing to obsequiousness on the one hand, or to familiarity 
on the other. In politeness, as in everything else, there 
is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt 
constraint and freedom ; for civilities carried to extreme 
are wearisome, and mere ceremony is not politeness, but 
the reverse. 

The truly pious people are the truly courteous. " Re- 
ligion," says Leighton, "is in this mistaken sometimes, 
in that we think it imprints a roughness and austerity 
upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar all 
vanity and lightness, and all compliance;" but it softens 
the manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart. 

Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy 
that can be mentioned. He who assumes too much on 
his own merit, shows that he does not understand the 
simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of pride 
is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be 
a monarch on the throne, or the meanest beggar in his 
realm, possesses any right to comport himself with a 
haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow men. 
The poet truly says : 

"What most ennobles human nature, 
Was ne'er the portion of the proud." 

It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious 



TRUE COURTESY. 



247 



smile; these will recommend us to everyone; while a 
haughty demeanor, or an austere look, may forfeit for- 
ever the favor of those whose good opinion we may be 
anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a 
thorough knowledge of human nature, and can make al- 
lowances for its weaknesses. He is always consistent 
with himself. The polite alone know how to make others 
polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with 
a relish for virtue. 

Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true po- 
liteness, I may class affectation with it, in that respect. 
Affectation is a deviation from, at the same time that it 
is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of bad taste, 
and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities. The 
other vices are limited, and have each a particular ob- 
ject; but affectation pervades the whole conduct, and 
detracts from the merit of whatever virtues and good 
dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its 
attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy 
from the best patterns is improper, because the imitation 
can never be so good as the original. Counterfeit coin 
is not so valuable as the real, and when discovered, it 
cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that 
there is something to conceal, rather than anything to 
be proud of, in the character and disposition of the per- 
sons practicing it. 

In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypo- 
crisy, is reprehensible in the highest degree. However 
grave be their deportment, of all affected persons, those 
who, without any real foundation, make too great pre- 
tensions to piety, are certainly the most culpable. The 



248 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has 
been well remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the 
place of the true. We can less secure ourselves against 
pretenders in matters of religion, than we can against 
any other species of impostors ; because the mind being 
biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to 
the individual. The conduct of people, which cannot 
fail to be considered an evidence of their principles, 
ought at all times to be conformable to their pretensions. 
When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are not 
solicitous about mere human approbation. 

Hazlitt says :— "Few subjects are more nearly allied 
than these two — vulgarity and affectation. It may be 
said of them truly that ' thin partitions do their bounds 
divide/ There cannot be a surer proof of a low origin 
or of an innate meanness of disposition, than to be al- 
ways talking and thinking of being genteel. One must 
feel a strong tendency to that which one is always trying 
to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all occasions, a 
mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign 
that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. 
Of the two classes of people, I hardly know which is to 
be regarded with most distaste, the vulgar aping the 
genteel, or the genteel constantly sneering at and en- 
deavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. 
These two sets of persons are always thinking of one 
another; the lower of the higher with envy, the more 
fortunate of their less happy neighbors with contempt. 
They are habitually placed in opposition to each other ; 
jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same 
objects and train of thought (only reversed by the rela- 



TRUE COURTESY. 



249 



tive situations of either party) occupy their whole time 
and attention. The one are straining every nerve, and 
outraging common sense, to be thought genteel; the 
others have no other object or idea in their heads than 
not to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite ; a 
very pitiful style of ambition. To be merely not that 
which one heartily despises, is a very humble claim to 
superiority; to despise what one really is, is still worse. 

" Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of 
vulgarity. It cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed 
distinction. It plumes itself up and revels in the homely 
pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges of the 
w r orth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and 
hence, from the conscious absence of real qualities or 
sincere satisfaction in itself, it builds its supercilious and 
fantastic conceit on the wretchedness and wants of 
others. Violent antipathies are always suspicious, and 
betray a secret affinity. The difference between the 
4 Great Vulgar and the Small' is mostly in outward cir- 
cumstances. The coxcomb criticises the dress of the 
clown, as the pedant cavils at the bad grammar of the 
illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in 
themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love 
elsewhere. The most ignorant people find most to laugh 
at in strangers; scandal and satire prevail most in coun- 
try-places ; and a propensity to ridicule every the slight- 
est or most palpable deviation from what we happen to 
approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. 
True worth does not exult in the faults and deficiencies 
of others ; as true refinement turns away from grossness 
and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in an 



250 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint 
away at the daubing of a sign painter, nor Homer hold 
his head the higher for being in the company of the 
poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real 
power, real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferi- 
ority, nor fear contamination from coming in contact 
with that which is coarse and homely. It reposes on it- 
self, and is equally free from spleen and affectation. 
But the spirit of both these small vices is in gentility as 
the word stands in vulgar minds : of affected delight in 
its own would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain 
poured out upon the involuntary blunders or accidental 
disadvantages of those whom it chooses to treat as in- 
feriors. 

"The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in 
taking manners, actions, words, opinions on trust from 
others, without examining one's own feelings or weighing 
the merits of the case. It is coarseness or shallowness 
of taste arising from want of individual refinement, to- 
gether with the confidence and presumption inspired by 
example and numbers. It may be defined to be a pros- 
titution of the mind or body to ape the more or less ob- 
vious defects of others, because by so doing we shall se- 
cure the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect 
a gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage 
with a large number of persons, or to hold it in abhor- 
rence because another set of persons very little, if at all, 
better informed, cry it down to distinguish themselves 
from the former, is in either case equal vulgarity and 
absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is 
common. 'Tis common to breathe, to see, to feel, to 



TRUE COURTESY. 



251 



live. Nothing is vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, 
unavoidable. Grossness is not vulgarity, ignorance is 
not vulgarity, awkwardness is not vulgarity; but all 
these become vulgar when they are affected, and shown 
off on the authority of others, or to fall in with the 
fashion or the company we keep. Caliban is coarse 
enough, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as well 
spurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar. 

" All slang phrases are vulgar ; but there is nothing 
vulgar in the common English idiom. Simplicity is not 
vulgarity; but the looking to affectation of any sort for 
distinction is." 

To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess 
the good opinion of your fellow men, the way to secure 
it is, to be actually what you pretend to be, or rather to 
appear always precisely what you are. Never depart 
from the native dignity of your character, which you can 
only maintain irreproachable by being careful not to im- 
itate the vices, or adopt the follies of others. The best 
way in all cases you will find to be, to adhere to truth, 
and to abide by the talents and appliances which have 
been bestowed upon you by Providence, 



252 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



CHAPTER XV. 

LETTER WRITING. 

There is no branch of a man's education, no portion 
of his intercourse with other men, and no quality which 
will stand him in good stead more frequently than the 
capability of writing a good letter upon any and every 
subject. In business, in his intercourse with society, in, 
I may say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will 
find his pen called into requisition. Yet, although so 
important, so almost indispensable an accomplishment, 
it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, per- 
fect in every part, is a great rarity. 

In the composition of a good letter there are many 
points to be considered, and we take first the simplest 
and lowest, namely, the spelling. 

Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from care- 
lessness. The latter, writing rapidly, make, very often, 
mistakes that would disgrace a schoolboy. If you are 
in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of false 
shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position 
hoping that, if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a 
dictionary, and see what is the correct orthography. 
Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a word there 
is another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently 



LETTER WRITING. 253 

seen. This is to write two words in one, running them 
together. I have more than once seen with him written 
withim, and for her stand thus, forer. Strange, too, as 
it may seem, it is more frequently the short, common 
words that are misspelled than long ones. They flow 
from the pen mechanically, while over an unaccustomed 
word the writer unconsciously stops to consider the or- 
thography. Chesterfield, in his advice to his son, says : 

" I come now to another part of your letter, which is 
the orthography, if I may call bad spelling orthography. 
You spell induce, enduce; and grandeur, you spell 
grandure; two faults of which few of my housemaids 
would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthogra- 
phy, in the true sense of the word, is so absolutely neces- 
sary for a man of letters, or a gentleman, that one false 
spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the rest of his 
life ; and 1 know a man of quality, who never recovered 
the ridicule of having spelled wholesome without the w. 

"Reading with care will secure everybody from false 
spelling; for books are always well spelled, according to 
the orthography of the times. Some words are indeed 
doubtful, being spelled differently by different authors 
of equal authority; but those are few; and in those 
cases every man has his option, because he may plead 
his authority either way; but where there is but one 
right way, as in the two words above mentioned, it is un- 
pardonable and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; 
even a woman of tolerable education would despise and 
laugh at a lover, who sent her an ill-spelled billet-doux. 
I fear, and suspect, that you have taken it into your 
head, in most cases, that the matter is all, .and the man- 



254 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



ner little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself, 
and be convinced that, in everything, the manner is full 
as important as the matter. If you speak the sense of 
an angel in bad words, and with a disagreeable utterance, 
nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If you 
w r rite epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hand, 
and very ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh at 
them." 

After orthography, you should make it a point to 
write a good hand; clear, legible, and at the same time 
easy, graceful, and rapid. This is not so difficult as 
some persons imagine, but, like other accomplishments, 
it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write 
every word so clearly that it cannot be mistaken by the 
reader, and it is quite an important requisite to leave 
sufficient space between the words to render each one 
separate and distinct. If your writing is crowded, it 
will be difficult to read, even though each letter is per- 
fectly well formed. An English author, in a letter of 
advice, says: — 

" I have often told you that every man who has the 
use of his eyes and his hand can write whatever hand he 
pleases. I do not desire that you should write the stiff, 
labored characters of a writing master; a man of busi- 
ness must write quick and well, and that depends simply 
upon use. I would, therefore, advise you to get some 
very good writing master, and apply to it for a month 
only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my word, 
the writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of 
much more importance than you think. .You say, it 
may be, that when you write so very ill, it is because 



LETTER WRITING. 



255 



you are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why are you 
ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but 
can never be in a hurry, because he knows, that what- 
ever he does in a hurry, he must necessarily do very ill. 
He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but he will take 
care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Little 
minds are in a hurry, when the object proves (as it com- 
monly does) too big for them; they run, they puzzle, con- 
found, and perplex themselves; they want to do every- 
thing at once, and never do it at all. But a man of 
sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is 
about, well; and his haste to dispatch a business, only 
appears by the continuity of his application to it ; he 
pursues it with a cool steadiness, and finishes it before he 
begins any other. * * 

" The few seconds that are saved in the course of the 
day by writing ill instead of well, do not amount to an 
object of time by any means equivalent to the disgrace 
or ridicule of a badly written scrawl. " 

By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the 
caution given above, with regard to hurry, will be en- 
tirely useless, for you will find that even the most rapid 
pennmanship will not interfere with the beauty of your 
hand- writing, and the most absorbing interest in the sub- 
ject of your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you 
write well only when you are giving your entire atten- 
tion to guiding your pen, then, haste in writing or in- 
terest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet. 

Be very careful that the wording of your letters is in 
strict accordance with the rules of grammar. Nothing 
stamps the difference between a well educated man and an 



256 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 

ignorant one more decidedly than the purely grammatical 
language of the one compared with the labored sentences, 
misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the 
other. Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following 
letter, written as a warning to his son, to guard him 
against its glaring faults : 

"My Lord: I had, last night, the honor of your Lord- 
ship's letter of the 24th ; and will set about doing the 
orders contained therein; and if so he that I can get 
that affair done by the next post, I will not fail for to 
give your Lordship an account of it, by next post I 
have told the French Minister, as how that if that affair 
be not soon concluded, your Lordship would think it all 
long of him; and that he must have neglected for to 
have wrote to his court about it. I must beg leave to 
put your Lordship in mind, as how, that I am now full 
three quarters in arrear; and if so he that I do not very 
soon receive at least one half year, I shall cut a very had 
figure ; for this here place is very dear. I shall be 
vastly heholden to your Lordship for that there mark of 
your favor; and so I rest or remain, Your, &c." 

This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written 
by a man holding any important government office, but in 
the more private correspondence of a man's life letters 
quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written every 
day. 

Punctuation is another very important point in a 
letter, because it not only is a mark of elegance and edu- 
cation to properly punctuate a letter, but the omission 
of this point will inevitably confuse your correspondent, 
for if you write to your friend : 



4 

LETTER WRITING. 



257 



"I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a 
lawyer Mr Gay a friend of my mother's Mr Clarke and 
Mr Paul:" 

he will not know whether Mr* Gay is a lawyer or your 
mother's friend, or whether it is Mr. James or his son 
who is an artist; whereas, by the proper placing of a 
few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear and 
intelligible, thus: 

"I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, 
a lawyer; Mr. Gay, a friend of my mother's; Mr. 
Clarke and Mr. Paul." 

Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, the 
very essence of good composition is lost; it is of the ut- 
most importance, as clearness, strength, and accuracy 
depend upon it, in as great a measure as the power of an 
army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling 
and arranging the troops. The separation of one por- 
tion of a composition from another; the proper classifi- 
cation and division of the subjects; the precise meaning 
of every word and sentence ; the relation each part bears 
to previous or following parts; the connection of one 
portion and separation of others — all depend upon punc- 
tuation. Many persons seem to consider it sufficient to 
put in a period at the end of a long sentence, leaving all 
the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon 
would render clear, in a state of the most lamentable 
obscurity. Others use all the points, but misplace them 
in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence may be made 
by the omission or addition of a comma to express a 
meaning exactly opposite to the one it expressed before 
the little mark was written or erased. The best mode 
17 



258 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



of studying punctuation is to read over what you write, 
aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a longer 
or shorter time on the words, were you speaking. 

We now come to the use of capital letters, a subject 
next, in importance to punctuation, and one too often 
neglected, even by writers otherwise careful. 

The first word of every piece of writing, whether it 
be a book, a poem, a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or 
only a line of directions, must begin with a capital 
letter. 

Quotations, even though they are not immediately 
preceded by a period, must invariably begin with a 
capital letter. 

Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation 
mark, or interrogation point, must begin with a capital 
letter. 

Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, 
or an object, must begin with a capital letter. The pro- 
noun I and exclamation must be always written in 
capital letters. 

Capitals must never, except in the case of proper 
names or the two letters mentioned in the last paragraph, 
be written in ' the middle of a sentence. 

A capital letter^ must never be used in the middle of a 
word, among the small letters ; nor must it be used at 
the end of a word. 

Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any 
written composition, than handsomely written capital 
letters, used in their proper places. 

Having specified the most important points in a cor- 
rect letter, we next come to that which, more than any- 



LETTER WRITING. 



259 



thing else, shows the mind of the writer; that which 
proves his good or bad education; that which gives him 
rank as an elegant or inelegant writer — Style. 

It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which 
makes the humblest matter appear choice and elegant, 
or which reduces the most exalted ideas to a level with 
common, or vulgar ones. 

Lord Chesterfield says, "It is of the greatest import- I 
ance to write letters well; as this is a talent which un- 
avoidably occurs every day of one's life, as well in busi- 
ness as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in orthography or 
in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the 
manner in which they are written ; which ought to be 
easy and natural, not strained and florid. For instance, 
when you are about to send a billet-doux, or love letter 
to a fair friend, you must only think of what you would 
say to her if you were both together, and then write it ; 
that renders the style easy and natural ; though some 
people imagine the wording of a letter to be a great un- 
dertaking, and think they must write abundantly better 
than they talk, which is not at all necessary. Style is 
the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if 
your style is homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear 
to as much disadvantage and be as ill received as your 
person, though ever so well proportioned, would, if 
dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not every under- 
standing that can judge of matter; but every one can 
and does judge, more or less, of style; and were I either 
to speak or write to the public, I should prefer moderate 
matter, adorned with all the beauties and elegancies of 



260 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

style, to the strongest matter in the world, ill worded and 
ill delivered. " 

Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a 
whole sheet of paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose 
paper which is thick, white, and perfectly plain. The 
initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only orna- 
ment allowed a gentleman. 

It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which 
has anything written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and 
quite as bad to answer a note upon half the sheet it is 
written upon, or write on the other side of a sheet which 
has been used before. 

Write your own ideas in your own words, neither bor- 
rowing or copying from another. If you are detected 
in a plagiarism, you will never recover your reputation 
for originality, and you may find yourself in the position 
of the hero of the following anecdote : 

Mr. 0., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love 
with Miss N., whose fine intellect was duly improved by 
a thorough course of study and reading, while her wit, 
vivacity, and beauty made Mr. 0. one only amongst 
many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious 
manner he determined to settle his fate, and ask her to 
go forward in the alphabet and choose the next letter to 
put to her surname. But how? Five times he tried to 
speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse 
that he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than 
when he came. At length he resolved to write. It was 
the first time he had held the pen for any but a business 
letter. After commencing twice with "Dear sir," once 
with, "I write to inform you that I am well and hope 



LETTER WRITIXa. 



261 



this letter will find you the same," and once with, "Your 
last duly received," he threw the pen aside in disgust 
and despair. A love letter was beyond his feeble ca- 
pacities. Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He 
had lately seen, in turning the leaves of a popular novel, 
a letter, perhaps a love letter. He procured the book, 
found the letter. It was full of fire and passion, words 
of love, protestations of never failing constancy, and 
contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trem- 
bled with ecstasy, 0. copied and signed the letter, sealed, 
directed, and sent it. The next day came the answer — 
simply : 

"My Friend, 

" Turn to the next page and you will find 

the reply. 

"A. N." 

He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit. 

The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you 
would speak. Thus, if you speak well, you will write 
well ; if you speak ill, you will also write ill. 

Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly 
as possible. If you have reason to doubt your own 
spelling, carefully read and correct every letter before 
you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let 
alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, 
and the effort will be plainly visible. 

Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely 
void of pretension, without any phrases written merely 
for effect, without useless flowery language, respectful 



262 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



towards superiors, women, and older persons, and it will 
be well. 

Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, 
and in friendly correspondence must never be used. 

Figures are never to be used excepting when putting 
a date or a sum of money. In a business letter the 
money is generally specified both in figures and words, 
thus; $500 Five hundred dollars. 

You may put the name, date, and address of a letter 
either at the top of the page or at the end. I give a 
specimen of each style to show my meaning. 

Philadelphia, June 25th, 1855. 

Mr. James Smith, 
Dear Sir, 

The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th 
inst. were sent this morning by Adam's Express. We 
shall be always happy to hear from you, and will 
promptly fill any further orders. 

Yours, truly, 

Jones, Brown, & Co. 

or, 

Dear Sir, 

Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. 
Will execute your commissions with pleasure. 

Yours, truly, 

J. Jones. 

Mr. James Smith. 

Phila., June 25th, 1854. 



LETTER WRITING. 



263 



If you send your own address put it under your own 
signature, thus: 

J. Jones, 

17 W st., 

New York. 

The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as 
possible, be influenced by principles of truth. The 
superscription and the subscription should alike be 
in accordance with the tone of the communication, and 
the domestic or social relation of those between whom it 
passes. Communications upon professional or business 
matters, where no acquaintance exists to modify the cir- 
cumstances, should be written thus: — "Mr. Gillot will 
feel obliged by Mr. Slack's sending by the bearer," &c. 
It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or 
an offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, 
"Your obedient Servant." I dislike this form of sub- 
scription, also, when employed by persons of equal rank. 
It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a servant to 
an employer. But in other cases, "Yours truly," 
"Yours very truly," "Your Friend," "Your sincere 
Friend," "Your Well-wisher," "Your grateful Friend," 
"Your affectionate Friend," &c, &c, appears to be 
much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the 
legitimate expression of good feeling. It is impossible 
to lay down a set of rules that shall govern all cases. 
But as a principle, it may be urged, that no person 
should address another as, "Dear Sir," or, "Dear 
Madam," without feelings and relations that justify the 
use of the adjective. These compliments are mockeries. 



264 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 

No one who entertains a desire to write another as 
"dear," need feel afraid of giving offence by familiarity ; 
for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest 
fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in propor- 
tion as the integrity of the forms of correspondence in- 
crease, so will these expressions of good feeling be more 
appreciated. 

The next point to be considered is the subject of your 
letter, and without a good subject the epistle will be apt 
to be dull. I do not mean by this that it is necessary 
to have any extraordinary event to relate, or startling 
news to communicate; but in order to write a good letter, 
it is necessary to have a good subject, that you may not 
rival the Frenchman who wrote to his wife — "I write to 
you because I have nothing to do: I stop because I have 
nothing to say." Letters written without aim or object, 
simply for the sake of writing, arc apt to be stupid, tri- 
vial, or foolish. 

You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon 
some happy event to himself, or to condole with him in 
some misfortune, or to ask his congratulations or con- 
dolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for his 
health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, 
felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, 
which it is useless for me to enumerate. 

Letters of Business. The chief object in a letter 
of business is to communicate or enquire about some 
one fact, and the epistle should be confined entirely to 
that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown language 
and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business 
letter, and brevity should be one of the most important 



LETTER WRITING. 



265 



aims. Do not let your desire to be brief, however, make 
your meaning obscure; better to add a few words, or 
even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it 
in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield's ad- 
vice on business letters is excellent. He says : 

" The first thing necessary in writing letters of busi- 
ness is, extreme clearness and perspicuity ; every para- 
graph should be so clear and unambiguous that the 
dullest fellow in the world may not be able to mistake it, 
nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. 
This necessary clearness implies a correctness, without 
excluding an elegance of style. Tropes, figures, an- 
tithesis, epigrams, &c, would be as misplaced and as im- 
pertinent in letters of business as they are sometimes 
(if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar let- 
ters, upon common and trite subjects. In business, an 
elegant simplicity, the result of care, not of labor, is re- 
quired. Business must be well, not affectedly dressed; 
but by no means negligently. Let your first attention 
be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have 
written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it 
is possible that any one man can mistake the true sense 
of it ; and correct it accordingly. 

Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and 
ambiguity; be, therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, 
and take care to mark out with precision their particular 
relations. For example, Mr. Johnson acquainted me, 
that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to 
speak to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those 
papers, which he (Mr. Smith) had left some time ago with 
him (Mr. Clarke) ; it is better to repeat a name, though 



266 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person mis- 
taken once. 

" Wlio, you know, is singly relative to persons, and 
cannot be applied to things ; which and that are chiefly 
relative to things, but not absolutely exclusive of per- 
sons; for one may say the man, that robbed or killed 
such-a-one; but it is better to say, the man who robbed 
or killed. One never says, the man or woman which. 
Which and that, though chiefly relative to things, cannot 
be always used indifferently as to things. For instance, 
the letter which I received from you, which you referred 
to in your last, which came by Lord Albemarle's mes- 
senger, which I showed to such-a-one ; I would change it 
thus — The letter that I received from you, which you 
referred to in your last, that came by Lord Albemarle's 
messenger, and which I showed to such-a-one. 

"Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it 
did) the usual terms of politeness and good breeding; 
but, on the contrary, strictly requires them ; such as, I 
have the honor to acquaint you ; Permit me to assure you ; 
or, If 1 may be allowed to give my opinion, $c. 

" Letters of Business will not only admit of, but be 
the better for certain graces— hut then, they must be scat- 
tered with a skillful and sparing hand ; they must fit 
their place exactly. They must adorn without encum- 
bering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this 
is the utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, 
I would not advise you to attempt those embellishments, 
till you have just laid your foundation well. 

" Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and 
bring no precedents from the virtuous Spartans, the po- 



LETTER WRITING. 267 

lite Athenians, and the brave Romans. Leave all that 
to futile pedants. No flourishes, no declamations. But 
(I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and dig- 
nity of style absolutely necessary for g % ood letters of bu- 
siness ; attend to that carefully. Let your periods be 
harmonious, without seeming to be labored; and let 
them not be too long, for that always occasions a degree 
of obscurity. I should not mention correct orthography, 
but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule upon 
you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand- 
writing, too, should be good; and I cannot conceive why 
it is ever otherwise, since every man may, certainly, write 
whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in folding up, 
sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to 
be neglected. There is something in the exterior, even 
of a packet or letter, that may please or displease; and, 
consequently, worth some attention." 

If you are writing a letter, either upon your own bu- 
siness or upon that of the person you are addressing, 
not in answer to him, but opening the subject between 
you, follow the rule of clearness and of business brevity. 
Come to the point at once, in order that the person ad- 
dressed may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to 
the labor of guessing what you desire, and be careful 
that half-instructions do not lead your correspondent 
astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation 
in your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no 
words, except specific directions, or a plain request, you 
need not waste time, but, with the proper forms of 
courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In whatever you 
write, remember that time is valuable; and that embar- 



268 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

rassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a bu- 
siness man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in 
answering correspondents is one of the cardinal business 
virtues. Where it is possible, answer letters by return 
of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay 
your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in 
opening a correspondence or writing upon your own 
business, let your communication be made at the earliest 
proper date in order that your correspondent, as well as 
yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliber- 
ation. 

Letters of Inquiry should be written in a happy 
medium, between tedious length and the brevity which 
would betoken indifference. As the subject is generally 
limited to questions upon one subject, they will not ad- 
mit of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply 
to a matter of business, it is better to confine your words 
strictly to that business ; if, however, you ar*e writing to 
make inquiry as to the health of a friend, or any other 
matter in which feeling or affection dictates the epistle, 
the cold, formal style of a business letter would become 
heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You 
must here add some words of compliment, express your 
friendly interest in the subject, and your hope that a fa- 
vorable answer may be returned, and if the occasion is 
a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may 
be added. 

If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, 
you should apologize for the trouble you are giving him, 
and mention the necessity which prompts you to write. 

If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter 



LETTER WRITING. 



269 



will then admit of some words of compliment, and may 
be written in an easy, familiar style. 

If writing to a stranger, your request for information 
becomes a personal favor, and you should write in a 
manner to show him that you feel this. Speak of the 
obligation he will confer, mention the necessity which 
compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a 
note of thanks. 

Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a 
stamp for the answer. If you trouble your corres- 
pondent to take his time to write you information, valu- 
able only to yourself, you have no right to tax him also 
for the price of postage. 

Answers to letters of Inquiry should be written 
as soon as possible after such letters are received. If 
the inquiry is of a personal nature, concerning your 
health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration of 
some report concerning yourself, you should thank your 
correspondent for the interest he expresses, and such a 
a letter should be answered immediately. If the letter 
you receive contains questions which you cannot answer 
instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see 
a third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the 
subject proposed, it is best to write a few lines ac- 
knowledging the receipt of your friend's letter, ex- 
pressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and 
stating why you cannot immediately give him the de- 
sired information, with the promise to write again as 
soon as such information is yours to send. 

Letters requesting Favors are trying to write, 
and must be dictated by the circumstances which make 



270 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



them necessary. Be careful not to be servile in such 
letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly 
tone ; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a fa- 
vorable answer will confer, do not adopt the cringing 
language of a beggar. 

Letters conferring Favors should never be writ- 
ten in a style to make the recipient feel a weight of ob- 
ligation ; on the contrary, the style should be such as 
will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in 
his acceptance of your favor he confers an obligation 
upon you. 

Letters refusing Favors call for your most court- 
eous language, for they must give some pain, and this 
may be very much softened by the manner in which you 
write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your 
friend's request, a hope that at some future time it may be 
in your power to answer another such letter more favor- 
ably, and give a good reason for your refusal. 

Letters acknowledging Favors, or letters of thanks, 
should be written in a cordial, frank, and grateful style. 
While you earnestly thank your correspondent for his 
kindness, you must never hint at any payment of the 
obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near 
you at that instant, make your offer of the favor the 
subject of another letter, lest he attribute your haste to 
a desire to rid yourself of an obligation. To hint at a 
future payment is still more indelicate. When you can 
show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your 
actions, not your words, speak for the accuracy of your 
memory in retaining the recollection of favors conferred. 

Anonymous letters. The man who would write 



LETTER WRITING. 



271 



an anonymous letter, either to insult the person ad- 
dressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, "whom 
'twere gross flattery to name a coward." None but a 
man of the lowest principles, and meanest character, 
would commit an act to gratify malice or hatred without 
danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such a com- 
munication with the contemptuous silence which it de- 
serves. 

Letters of Intelligence. The first thing to be re- 
garded in a letter of intelligence is truth. They are 
written on every variety of subjects, under circumstances 
of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are 
written often under the pressure of the most crushing 
grief, at other times when the hand trembles with ec- 
stacy, and very frequently when a weight of other cares 
and engagements makes the time of the writer invaluable. 
Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns your- 
self or another, remember that every written word is a 
record for your veracity or falsehood. If exaggeration, 
or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, in imparting 
painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief 
makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are 
signing your name to a written falsehood, and the letter 
may, at some future time, rise to confront you and prove 
that your intelligence cannot be trusted. Whatever the 
character of the news you communicate, let taste and 
discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If 
it is of so sorrowful a character that you know it must 
cause pain, you may endeavor to open the subject 
gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, if 
unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when the 



272 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



mourner re-reads your letter in calmer moments. Joyful 
news, though it does not need the same caution, also ad- 
mits of expressions of sympathy. 

Never write the gossip around you, unless you are 
obliged to communicate some event, and then write only 
what you know to be true, or, if you speak of doubtful 
matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere scandal 
and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own 
malice or bitterness of feeling color all your statements 
in their blackest dye. Be, under such circumstances, 
truthful, just, and charitable. 

Letters of Recommendation should be written only 
when they are positively necessary, and great caution 
should be used in giving them. They make you, in a 
measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and if 
you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will 
certainly have cause to repent your carelessness. They 
are letters of business, and should be carefully composed ; 
truthful, while they are courteous, and just, while they 
are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken kind- 
ness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief 
that may result, but you are committing a dishonest act 
towards the person to whom the letter will be delivered. 

Letters oe Introduction should be short, as they 
are generally delivered in person, and ought not to oc- 
cupy much time in reading, as no one likes to have to 
wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While 
you speak of the bearer in the warm language of friend- 
ship, do not write praises in such a letter; they are 
about as much in place as they would be if you spoke 
them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of in- 



LETTER WRITING. 



273 



troduction unsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness 
to prevent the bearer from reading what you have writ- 
ten, by fastening the envelope. The most common 
form is :— 

Dear Sir, 

It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, 

the bearer of this letter, as my friend Mr. J , who is 

to remain a few days in your city on his way to New 
Orleans. I trust that the acquaintance of two friends, 
for whom I have so long entertained so warm an esteem, 
will prove as pleasant as my intercourse with each has 
always been. Any attention which it may be in your 

power to pay to Mr. J , whilst he is in your city, will 

be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by 

Your sincere friend 

James C. Eay. 

Mr. L. G-. Edmonds. 

June 23d, 18—. 

If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his 
business or professional capacity, mention what that bu- 
siness is ; and if your own acquaintance with the bearer 
is slight, you may also use the name of the persons from 
whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, 
with perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the 
bearer's skill in his professional labors. If he is an 
artist, you need not hesitate to give a favorable opinion 
of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, if a mu- 
sician, express the delight his skill has afforded you. 

A LETTER REQUESTING- AN AUTOGRAPH should always 

enclose a postage stamp for the reply. In such a letter 
18 



274 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



some words of compliment, expressive of the value of 
the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may 
refer to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name 
so desirable, and also express your sense of the great- 
ness of the favor, and the obligation the granting of it 
will confer. 

Autograph Letters should be short; containing 
merely a few lines, thanking the person addressed for 
the compliment paid in requesting the signature, and ex- 
pressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with the 
request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl 
would do so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric 
American whose high position in the army tempted a 
collector of autographs to request his signature. The 
general wrote in reply : — 

"Sir, 

"I'll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody. - 

"Yours, 

u »» 

and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters 
which always characterized his hand writing. 

Invitations to Ladies should be written in the third 
person, unless you are very intimate with them, or can 
claim relationship. All letters addressed to a lady 
should be written in a respectful style, and when they 
are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person 
is the most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing 
letters to young ladies, the eldest one in a family is ad- 
dressed by the surname alone, while the others have also 
the proper name ; thus, if you wrote to the daughters 



LETTER WRITING. 275 

of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, 
Miss Annie Smith and Miss Jane Smith. 

Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or 
clerk. Nothing is more vulgar than sending invitations 
through the despatch, and you run the risk of their s 
being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady to 
accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of 
public amusement, you should also invite her mother, 
sister, or any other lady in the same family, unless you 
have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is 
acquainted, when you should say in your note that your 
mother or sister will accompany you. 

Letters of Compliment being confined to one sub- 
ject should be short and simple. If they are of thanks 
for inquiry made, they should merely echo the letter 
they answer, with the acknowledgement of your corres- 
pondent's courtesy. 

Letters of Congratulation. Letters of congratu- 
lation are the most agreeable of all letters to write; your 
subject is before you, and you have the pleasure of sym- 
pathizing in the happiness of a friend. They should be 
written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions 
of pleasure at your friend's joy, and admit of any happy 
quotations or jest. 

When congratulating your friend on an occasion of 
happiness to himself, be very careful that your letter has 
no word of envy at his good fortune, no fears for its 
short duration, no prophecy of a change for the worse; 
let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few 
men whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon 
many occasions, let them have bright, unclouded ones 



276 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



when they can claim them. If you have other friends 
whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the 
person to whom you are writing, nay, even if you 
yourself are in affliction, do not mention it in such a 
letter. 

At the same time avoid the satire of exageration in 
your expressions of congratulation, and be very careful 
how you underline a word. If you write a hope that 
your friend may be perfectly happy, he will not think 
that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but 
that you are fearful that it will not be fulfilled. 

If at the same time that you are writing a letter of 
congratulation, you have sorrowful news to communicate, 
do not put your tidings of grief into your congratulatory 
letter; let that contain only cheerful, pleasant words; 
even if your painful news must be sent the same day, 
send it in a separate epistle. 

Letters of Condolence are trying both to the writer 
and to the reader. If your sympathy is sincere, and 
you feel the grief of your friend as if it were your own, 
you will find it difficult to express in written words the 
sorrow that you are anxious to comfort. 

Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound 
cold and commonplace to the mourner, and one grasp of 
the hand, one glance of the eye, will do more to express 
sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is 
best not to try to say all that you feel. You will fail in 
the attempt and may weary your friend. Let your 
letter, then, be short, (not heartlessly so) but let its 
words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any light, 
cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of con- 



LETTER WRITING. 



277 



dolence. If you wish to comfort by bringing forward 
blessings or hopes for the future, do not do it with gay, 
or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, kind manner, 
drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing 
events, but from the highest and purest sources. 

If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or 
any similar event, your letter will admit of the cheering 
words of every-day life, and kindly hopes that the 
w T heel of fortune may take a more favorable turn ; but r 
if death causes your friend's affliction, there is but little 
to be said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of 
sympathy and comfort may be read after the first crush- 
ing grief is over, and appreciated then, but words of 
comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of a 
life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first 
hours. 

Letters sent with presents should be short, mere 
cards of compliment, and written in the third person. 

Letters acknowledging Presents should also be 
quite short, written in the third person, and merely 
containing a few lines of thanks, with a word or two 
of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the 

gift. 

Letters of Advice are generally very unpalatable 
for the reader, and had better not be written unless so- 
licited, and not then unless your counsel will really 
benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be 
courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If 
you can avert an evil by writing a letter of advice, even 
when unsolicited, it is a friendly office to write, but it is 
usually a thankless one. 



278 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

To write after an act has been performed, and state 
•what your advice would have been, had your opinion 
been asked, is extremely foolish, and if you disapprove 
of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, 
certainly, to say nothing about it. 

In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement 
as an opinion, not a law, and say candidly that you will 
not feel hurt if contrary advice offered by any other, 
more competent to judge in the case, is taken. While 
your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable 
counsel, let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot 
give offence. 

Letters oe Excuse are sometimes necessary, and 
they should be written promptly, as a late apology for 
an offence is worse than no apology at all. They should 
be written in a frank, manly style, containing an ex- 
planation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, 
the assurance of the absence of malice or desire to 
offend, sorrow for the circumstances, and a hope that 
your apology will be accepted. Never wait until cir- 
cumstances force an apology from you before writing a 
letter of excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement 
of an offence, and a candidly expressed desire to atone 
for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot fail to con- 
ciliate any reasonable person. 

Cards oe Compliment must always be written in the 
third person. 

Answers. The first requisite in answering a letter 
upon any subject, is promptness. If you can answer 
by return of mail, do so ; if not, write as soon as possi- 



f 



LETTER WRITING. 



279 



ble. If you receive a letter making inquiries about 
facts which you will require time to ascertain, then write 
a few lines acknowledging the receipt of the letter of 
inquiry and promising to send the information as soon 
as possible. 



280 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 

I 

From an English work, "The Habits of Good So- 
ciety," I quote some directions for the guidance of the 
happy man who proposes to enter the state of matri- 
mony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference 
of country, but when weddings are performed in church, 
the rules given here are excellent. They will apply 
equally well to the evening ceremony. 

"At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most 
susceptible, when the* happiness or misery of a condition 
in which there is no medium begins, we are surrounded 
with forms and etiquettes which rise before the unwary 
like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonial- 
ists regard with a sort of dread. 

"Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this 
necessity of being en regie, there might, on the solemn- 
ization of marriage, be confusion, forgetfulness, and, 
even — speak it not aloud — irritation among the parties 
most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. 
Without a definite programme, the old maids of the 
family would be thrusting in advice. The aged chronicler 
of past events, or grandmother by the fireside, would 
have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights, 



WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 



281 



with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every 
thing into confusion by his suggestions. It is well that 
we are indepenent of all these interfering advisers ; that 
there is no necessity to appeal to them. Precedent has 
arranged it all ; we have only to put in or understand 
what that stern authority has laid down ; how it has been 
varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our 
course boldly. 'Boldly?' But there is much to be 
done before we come to that. First, there is the offer to 
be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a 
step say to himself, with Dryden : 

' These are the realms of everlasting fate 

for, in truth, on marriage one's well-being not only here 
but even hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this 
bearing of the subject that we wish to enter, contenting 
ourselves with a quotation from the Spectator : 

"'It requires more virtues to make a good husband or 
wife, than what go to the finishing any the most shining 
character whatsoever.' 

"In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation 
and business; and the system, in this respect, greatly 
resembles the practice in England, on similar occasions, 
a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or even 
later. France is the most unchanging country in the 
world in her habits and domestic institutions, and fore- 
most among these is her 'Marriage de convenance, or 
'Marriage de raisou* 

"It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl 
quits the school or convent where she has been educated, 
her friends cast about for a suitable parti. Most parents 



282 gentlemen's ?ook of etiquette. 

in France take care, so soon as a daughter is born, to 
put aside a sum of money for her 6 dot, 9 as they well 
know that, whatever may be her attractions, that is in- 
dispensable in order to be married. They are ever on 
the look out for a youth with, at least, an equal fortune, 
or more ; or, if they are rich, for title, which is deemed 
tantamount to fortune ; even the power of writing those 
two little letters De before your name has some value in 
the marriage contract. Having satisfied themselves, 
they thus address the young lady : — 6 It is now time for 
you to be married; I know of an eligible match; you 
can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is 
serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his 
appearance is positively disagreeable to you; if so, we 
will look out for some one else.' 

" As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that 
the will of her parents is hers ; she consents to take a 
survey of him to whom her destiny is to be entrusted ; 
and let us presume that he is accepted, though it does 
not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look 
out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or 
a pair of horses. However, she consents ; a formal in- 
troduction takes place ; the promis calls in full dress to 
see his future wife ; they are only just to speak to each 
other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the 
presence of the bride-elect's mother; for the French 
think it most indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl 
to be interested before marriage, lest during the arrange- 
ments for the contract all should be broken off. If she 
has no dislike, it is enough ; never for an instant are the 
engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they 



WEDDING- ETIQUETTE. 



283 



go up to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaint- 
ance, and usually with less. The whole matter is then 
arranged by notaries, who squabble over the marriage- 
contract, and get all they can for their clients. 

"The contract is usually signed in France on the day 
before the marriage, when all is considered safe; the re- 
ligious portion of their bond takes place in the church, 
and then the two young creatures are left together to 
understand each other if they can, and to love each other 
if they will ; if not they must content themselves with 
what is termed, un menage de Paris. 

"In England, formerly, much the same system pre- 
vailed. A boy of fourteen, before going on his travels, 
was contracted to a girl of eleven, selected as his future 
wife by parents or guardians; he came back after the 
grande tour to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was 
imperative that forty days should at least pass between 
the contract and the marriage; during which dreary in- 
terval the couple, leashed together like two young grey- 
hounds, would have time to think of the future. In 
France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. 
'I really am so glad we are to take a journey,' said a 
young French lady to her friends ; ' I shall thus get to 
know something about my husband; he is quite a stranger 
to me.' Some striking instances of the Marriage de 
convenance being infringed on, have lately occurred in 
France. The late Monsieur de Tocqueville married for 
love, after a five years' engagement. Guizot, probably 
influenced by his acquaintance with England, gave his 
daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they 



284 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

married for love* — <a very indelicate proceeding/ re- 
marked a French comtesse of the old regeme, when 
speaking of this arrangement. 

"Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the 
American system. They are so tenacious of the freedom 
of choice, that even persuasion is thought criminal. 

"In France negotiations are often commenced on the 
lady's side; in America, never. Even too encouraging 
a manner, even the ordinary attentions of civility, are, 
occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are jealous of 
the delicacy of that sacred bond, which we presume to 
hope is to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman 
who, from whatever motives, has made up his mind to 
marry, may set about it in two ways. He may propose 
by letter or in words. The customs of society imply 
the necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be 
addressed. This, even in this country, is a difficult, 
point to be attained; and, after all, cannot be calculated 
by time, since, in large cities, you may know people a 
year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting 
them in the country, may become intimate in a week. 

"Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers — 
wisely, if he can, in speech. Letters are seldom expres- 
sive of what really passes in the mind of man ; or, if 
expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to 
exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme 
of cavil. Study, care, which avail in every other species 
of composition, are death to the lover's effusion. A few 
sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by emotion, 
are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to 
* Two brothers, named De Witte. 



WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 



285 



parent and daughter. Let him, however, speak and be 
accepted. He is, in that case, instantly taken into the 
intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the notion 
of American honor, that the engaged couple are hence- 
forth allowed to be frequently alone together, in walking 
and at home. If there be no known obstacle to the en- 
gagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually intro- 
duced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the 
gentleman's family to call first; for him to make the first 
present; and this should be done as soon as possible 
after the offer has been accepted. It is a sort of seal 
put upon the affair. The absence of presents is thought 
to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This pre- 
sent generally consists of some personal ornament, say, 
a ring, and should be handsome, but not so handsome as 
that made for the wedding-day. During the period that 
elapses before the marriage, the betrothed man should 
conduct himself with peculiar deference to the lady's 
family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It 
is often said: ' I marry such a lady, but I do not mean 
to marry her whole family.' This disrespectful plea- 
santry has something in it so cold, so selfish, that even 
if the lady's family be disagreeable, there is a total ab- 
sence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those 
nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct 
of the betrothed man should be respectful; to her sisters 
kind without familiarity; to her brothers, every evidence 
of good-will should be testified. In making every pro- 
vision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance 
for dress, &c, the extent of liberality convenient should 
be the spirit of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to 



286 



gentlemen's book op etiquette. 



his own affairs, respectful consideration for those of the 
family he is about to enter, mark a true gentleman. 

"In France, however gay and even blame able a man 
may have been before his betrothel, he conducts himself 
with the utmost propriety after that event. A sense of 
what is due to a lady should repress all habits unpleasant 
to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of 
amusement without her; or paying attention to other 
women. In this respect, indeed, the sense of honor 
should lead a man to be as scrupulous when his future 
wife is absent as when she is present, if not more so. 

" In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions 
of two engaged persons should be reserved for the tete-a- 
tete, and women are generally in fault when it is other- 
wise. They like to exhibit their conquest ; they cannot 
dispense with attentions ; they forget that the demon- 
stration of any peculiar condition of things in society 
must make some one uncomfortable ; the young lady is 
uncomfortable because she is not equally happy; the 
young man detests what he calls nonsense ; the old think 
there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, there- 
fore, and peculiar displays, are in bad taste ; I am in- 
clined to think that they often accompany insincerity, 
and that the truest affections are those which are reserved 
for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private inter- 
views. At the same time, the airs of indifference and 
avoidance should be equally guarded against ; since, 
however strong and mutual attachment may be, such a 
line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others, and 
so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like con- 
sideration for others, a point in which the present gene- 



WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 



287 



ration essentially fails, are the best guides for steering 
between the extremes of demonstration on the one hand, 
and of frigidity on the other. 

"During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a 
young lady should endeavor to understand what is going 
on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has fortune, she 
should, in all points left to her, be generous and confid- 
ing, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should 
remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be 
improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a pas- 
sion for building ; he may be the very soul of good na- 
ture, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no 
wrong propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused 
notion of accounts, and be one of those men who muddle 
away a great deal of money, no one knows how; or he 
may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good 
care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about 
an extra dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good 
natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and 
for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, 
the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none 
of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest 
merchant, or a tradesman, with all his floating capital in 
business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, 
the next a pauper. 

" Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a 
young lady to have a settlement on her; and she should 
not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her friends 
who advise it, since it is for her husband's advantage as 
well as her own. By making a settlement there is always 
a fund which cannot be touched — a something, however 



288 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

small, as a provision for a wife and children ; and whether 
she have fortune or not, this ought to be made. An al- 
lowance for dress should also be arranged; and this 
should be administered in such a way that a wife should 
not have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus ir- 
ritate her husband. 

" Every preliminary being settled, there remains no- 
thing except to fix the marriage-day, a point always left 
to the lady to advance ; and next to settle how the cere- 
monial is to be performed is the subject of consideration. 

"It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a 
ceremony, the thoughts of the lady concerned must ne- 
cessarily be engaged for some time upon her trousseau. 
The trousseau consists, in this country, of all the habili- 
ments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three 
years of her married life ; like every other outfit there 
are always a number of articles introduced into it that 
are next to useless, and are only calculated for the vain- 
glory of the ostentatious. 

"The trousseau being completed, and the day fixed, it 
becomes necessary to select the bridesmaids and the 
bridegroom's man, and to invite the guests. 

" The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. 
It is ridiculous to have many, as the real intention of the 
bridesmaid is, that she should act as a witness of the 
marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment to in- 
clude the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's 
relations and intimate friends, in case sisters do not 
exist. 

"When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be 
young ; but it is absurd to see a ' single woman of a cer- 



WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 



289 



tain age,' or a widow, surrounded by blooming girls, 
making her look plain and foolish. For them the dis- 
creet woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a brides- 
maid. Custom decides that the bridesmaids should be 
spinsters, but there is no legal objection to a married 
woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, as it 
might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in 
number. Great care should be taken not to give offence 
in the choice of bridesmaids by a preference, which is 
always in bad taste on momentous occasions. 

" The guests at the wedding should be selected with 
similar attention to what is right and kind, with consid- 
eration to those who have a claim on us, not only to what 
we ourselves prefer. 

"For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to 
send out printed cards from the parents or guardians 
from whose house the young lady is to be married. 

"Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be 
dressed, taking breakfast in her own room. In America 
they load a bride with lace flounces on a rich silk, and 
even sometimes with ornaments. In France it is always 
remembered, with better taste, that when 'a young lady 
goes up to the altar, she is 6 encore jeune fille ;' her 
dress, therefore, is exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle 
over white silk, a long, wide veil of white tulle, going 
down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses 
interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual cos- 
tume of a French bride of rank, or in the middle classes 
equally. 

"The gentleman's dress should differ little from his 
full morning costume. The days are gone by when 
19 



290 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

gentlemen were married — as a recently deceased friend 
of mine was — in white satin breeches and waistcoat. In 
these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond 
consumation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A 
dark-blue frock-coat — -black being superstitiously con- 
sidered ominous — a white waistcoat, and a pair of light 
trousers, suffice for the ' happy man.' The neck-tie also 
should be light and simple. Polished boots are not 
amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must 
be as white as the linen. Both are typical — for in these 
days types are as important as under the Hebrew law- 
givers — of the purity of mind and heart which are sup- 
posed to exist in their wearer. Eheu ! after all, he can- 
not be too well dressed, for the more gay he is the 
greater the compliment to his bride. Flowers in the 
button-hole and a smile on the face show the bridegroom 
to be really a ' happy man.' 

"As soon as the carriages are at the door, those 
bridesmaids, who happen to be in the house, and the 
other members of the family set off first. The bride 
goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother 
alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her 
father in case of death or absence. The bridegroom, 
his friend, or bridegroom's man, and the bridesmaids 
ought to be waiting in the church. The father of the 
bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. 
Here her bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the 
clerk, and the bridegroom takes his appointed place. 

" It is a go6d thing for the bridegroom's man to dis- 
tribute the different fees to the clergyman or clergymen, 



WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 291 

the clerk, and pew-opener, before the arrival of the bride, 
as it prevents confusion afterwards. 

" The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and 
takes the glove off her right hand, whilst he takes his 
glove off his right hand. The bride gives her glove to 
the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a good 
omen. 

" The service then begins. During the recital, it is 
certainly a matter of feeling how the parties concerned 
should behave ; but if tears can be restrained, and a 
quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions 
subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and 
saves a few pangs to the parents from whom she is to 
part. 

" It should be remembered that this is but the closing 
scene of a drama of some duration — first the offer, then 
the consent and engagement. In most cases the mar- 
riage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the 
whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the con- 
tract system of our forefathers, and although no event 
in this life can be certain. 

" I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because 
it seems to me always an awkward addition to the bride, 
and that it should be presented afterwards on her return 
to the breakfast. Gardenies, if in season, white azalia, 
or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form 
the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on 
this occasion, so as to complete the picture with effect. 
When there are six or eight, it is usual for three of them 
to dress in one color, and three in another. At some of 
the most fashionable weddings in London, the brides- 



292 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

maids wear veils — these are usually of net or tulle ; white 
tarlatan dresses, over muslin or beautifully-worked 
dresses, are much worn, with colors introduced — pink or 
blue, and scarves of those colors ; and white bonnets, if 
bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. 
These should be simple, but the flowers as natural as 
possible, and of the finest quality. The bouquets of the 
bridesmaids should be of mixed flowers. These they 
may have at church, but the present custom is for the 
gentlemen of the house to present them on their return 
home, previous to the wedding breakfast. 

" The register is then signed. The bride quits the 
church first with the bridegroom, and gets into his car- 
riage, and the father and mother, bridesmaids, and bride- 
groom's man, follow in order in their own. 

" The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, 
and is generally provided by a confectioner when expense 
is not an object. 

" Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the 
bridesmaids. These generally consist of jewelry, the 
device of which should be unique or quaint, the article 
more elegant than massive. The female servants of the 
family, more especially servants who have lived many 
years in their place, also expect presents, such as gowns 
or shawls ; or to a very valued personal attendant or 
housekeeper, a watch. But on such points discretion 
must suggest, and liberality measure out the largesse of 
the gift." 

"When the ceremony is performed at the house of the 
bride, the bridegroom should be ready full half an hour 
before the time appointed, and enter the parlor at the 



WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 293 



head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with 
his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is 
allowed for each bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor 
man is all that is allowed for six, sometimes eight brides- 
maids. The brothers or very intimate friends of the 
bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen. 



294 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. 

When you wish, to invite a lady to accompany you to 
the theatre, opera, a concert, or any other public place 
of amusement, send the invitation the day previous to 
the one selected for taking her, and write it in the third 
person. If it is the first time you have invited her, in- 
clude her mother, sister, or some other lady in the invita- 
tion. 

If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care 
to secure good seats, for it is but a poor compliment to 
invite a lady to go to the opera, and put her in an un- 
comfortable seat, where she can neither hear, see, nor be 
seen. 

Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part 
in giving your seat to a strange lady, who is standing, 
in a crowded concert room, you should not do so when 
you are with a lady. By giving up your place beside 
her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find 
an unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated 
from her, when the conversation between the acts makes 
one of the greatest pleasures of an evening spent in this 
way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of his 
protection, and gives her the appearance of having come 



ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. 295 

alone. Your first duty, when you are escorting a lady, 
is to that lady before all others. 

When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, 
you must not leave your seat until you rise to escort her 
home. If at the opera, you may invite her to promenade 
between the acts, but if she declines, do you too remain 
in your seat. 

Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whis- 
pered, nor with any air of mystery, but in a tone that 
will not disturb those seated near you. 

Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have 
the right to assume them, are in excessively bad taste in 
public. 

If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, 
you must call for your companion with a carriage, and 
this is the more elegant way of taking her even if the 
weather does not make it absolutely necessary. 

When you are entering a concert room, or the box of 
a theatre, walk before your companion up the aisle, until 
you reach the seats you have secured, then turn, offer 
your hand to her, and place her in the inner seat, taking 
the outside one yourself ; in going out, if the aisle is too 
narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your 
companion until you reach the lobby, where you turn 
and offer your arm to her. 

Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all 
in very bad taste, for if you do not wish to pay strict 
attention to the performance, those around you probably 
do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your com- 
panion in thus implying her want of interest in what she 
came to see. 



296 gentlemen's book of etiquette. * 

Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, be- 
fore taking your seat, as, if you leave it, in order to ob- 
tain them, you may find some one else occupying your 
place when you return, and when the seats are not se- 
cured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alterna- 
tive of an altercation, or leaving your companion without 
any protector. Or, you may find a lady in your seat, 
in which case, you have no alternative, but must accept 
the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the 
evening. 

In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom 
you hurt or inconvenience, but try to protect your com- 
panion, as far as possible, and be content to take your 
turn. 

If your seats are secured, call for your companion in 
time to be seated some three or four minutes before the 
performance commences, but if you are visiting a 
hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go 
early. 

If you are alone and see ladies present with whom 
you are acquainted, you may, with perfect propriety, go 
and chat with them between the acts, but when with a 
lady, never leave her to speak to another lady. 

At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may 
converse, but let it be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and 
without gesture or loud laughter. If you stand long 
before one picture or statue, see that you are not inter- 
fering with others who may wish to see the same work 
of art. If you are engaged in conversation, and wish 
to rest, do not take a position that will prevent others 



ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES 0E AMUSEMENT. 297 



from seeing any of the paintings, but sit down, or stand 
near the centre of the room. 

Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to 
any party at a place of amusement, even if some of 
the members of it are your own relatives or intimate 
friends. 



298 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

MISCELLANEOUS. 

When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, 
be careful to keep step with her, and do not force her to 
take long, unladylike steps, or trot beside you with two 
steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual manly 
stride. 

Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to 
carry a bundle, shawl, or bag, unless both your hands 
are already occupied in her service. 

When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is 
the bridegroom whom jou are to congratulate, offering 
to the bride your wishes for her future happiness, but 
not congratulation. If you you are acquainted with the 
bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, 
and he will introduce you to his bride, but in any other 
case, you must speak first to the bride, then to the bride- 
groom, then the bridesmaids, if you have any previous 
acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family 
of the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek 
your other friends among the guests. If you are per- 
sonally a stranger to the newly married couple, but have 
received a card from being a friend of one of the families 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



299 



or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman's 
place to introduce you, and you should give him your 
card, or mention your name, before he leads you to the 
bride. 

Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way 
of a lady passing, even though she is an entire stranger 
to you. 

You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, 
or upon a boat; you may hand her water, if you see 
her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel table you may pass 
her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety. 

In this country where every other man uses tobacco, 
it may not be amiss to say a few words on smoking. 

Dr. Prout says, "Tobacco is confessedly one of the 
most virulent poisons in nature. Yet such is the fasci- 
nating influence of T;his noxious weed, that mankind re- 
sort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its 
stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders 
the assimilating functions in general, but particularly, as 
I believe, the assimilation of the saccharine principle. 
I have never, indeed, been able to trace the development 
of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco ; but that some an- 
alogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of 
an acid nature), is generated in certain individuals by 
its abuse, is evident from their cachetic looks, and from 
the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of the blood. 
The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes 
produced by inveterate snuff-taking are well known ; and 
I have more than once seen such cases terminate fatally 
with malignant disease of the stomach and liver. Great 
smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes 



300 gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections 
of the lips." 

Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, 
Young America, Middle-aged America, and Old America 
will continue to use the poison, and many even use it in 
excess. An English writer gives some very good rules 
for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, 
which I quote for the use of smokers on this side of the 
water. 

He says : 

"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which 
Raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls ; 
which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ' Counter- 
blast;' which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed 
to please his master ; which our wives and sisters protest 
gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man 
can indulge in ; of which some fair favorers declare that 
they love the smell, and others that they will never 
marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally 
end in doing) ; which has won a fame over more space 
and among better men than Noah's grape has ever done ; 
which doctors still dispute about, and boys still get sick 
over ; but which is the solace of the weary laborer ; the 
support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought 
brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the 
exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the 
philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go 
neither into the medical nor the moral question about the 
dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far 
with saying what may be said for everything that can 
bless and curse mankind, that, in moderation, it is at 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



301 



least harmless ; but what is moderate and what is not, 
must be determined in each individual case, according 
to the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures 
asthma, it may destroy digestion ; if it soothes the nerves, 
it may, in excess, produce a chronic irritability. 

"But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, 
first, as a narcotic, notice its effects on the individual 
character. I believe, then, that in moderation it dimin- 
ishes the violence of the passions, and, particularly, that 
of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have taken 
care to seek instances of members of the same family 
having the same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom 
the one has been calmed down by smoking, and the 
other gone on in his passionate course. I believe that it 
induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us to 
take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, 
and to be, therefore, less irritable in our converse with 
our fellow creatures. I am inclined to think that the 
clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry are the most 
prejudiced and most violent classes in this country ; there 
may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that 
these are the classes which smoke least. On the other 
hand, I confess that it induces a certain lassitude, and a 
lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal both to the 
precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. 
The mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than 
active ; and if the weed cures our irritability, it kills our 
wit. I believe that it is a fallacy to suppose that it en- 
courages drinking. There is more drinking and less 
smoking in England than in any other country of the 
civilized world. There was more drinking among the 



802 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

gentry of last century, who never smoked at all. Smoke 
and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer are 
its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, 
the other must be largely imbibed to do so. I have ob- 
served among young bachelors that very little wine is 
drunk in their chambers, and that beer is gradually 
taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising 
from the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to. 

u In another point of view, I am inclined to think 
that smoking has conduced to make the society of men, 
when alone, less riotous, less quarrelsome, and even less 
vicious than it was. Where young men now blow a 
common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful 
consumption of wine, and this in their heads, they were 
ready and roused to any iniquity. But the pipe is the 
bachelor's wife. With it he can endure solitude longer, 
and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. 
With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which 
otherwise he would have given, not to work, but to ex- 
travagant devilries. With it he is no longer restless 
and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never 
hear now of young blades issuing in bands from their 
wine to beat the watch or disturb the slumbering citizens, 
as we did thirty or forty years ago, when smoking was 
still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in their 
chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with 
dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruc- 
tion of good society, and the abandonment of the ladies. 
No wonder they hate it, dear creatures ; the pipe is the 
worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes 
she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



303 



she herself declines; who has an art which no woman 
possesses, that of never wearying her devotee ; who is 
silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet gives much 
pleasure ; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields 
the same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or 
maid, and no wonder that at last the woman succombs, 
consents, and, rather than lose her lord or master, even 
supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands. 

" There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must 
never smoke, nor even ask to smoke, in the company of 
the fair. If they know that in a few minutes you will 
be running off to your cigar, the fair will do well — say 
it is in a garden, or so — to allow you to bring it out and 
smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the 
streets"; that is, in daylight. The deadly crime may be 
committed, like burglary, after dark, but not before. 
One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by 
the ladies ; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sis- 
ters, will not offer to smoke in the dining-room after 
dinner. One must never smoke in a public place, where 
ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show or 
promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in 
spite of by-laws, if one has first obtained the consent of 
every one present; but if there be a lady there, though 
she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases out of 
ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never 
smoke in a close carriage ; one may ask and obtain leave 
to smoke when returning from a pic-nic or expedition in 
an open carriage. One must never smoke in a theatre, 
on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, per- 
haps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you 



304 gentlemen's book op etiquette. 

see a placard announcing, 'Ici on ne mache pas du 
tabac.' One must never smoke when anybody shows an 
objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the 
streets ; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room 
of a hotel. One must never smoke, without consent, in 
the presence of a clergyman, and one must never offer a 
cigar to any ecclesiastic. 

"But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of 
smokers, and are to wear your clothes in the presence of 
ladies afterwards, you must change them to smoke in. 
A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you 
an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after 
smoking, rinse the mouth well out, and, if possible, brush 
the teeth. You should never smoke in another person's 
house without leave, and you should not ask leave to 
do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are 
going to smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same 
time to anybody present, if not a clergyman or a very 
old man. You should always smoke a cigar given to 
you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks 
on its quality. 

" Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all 
times a disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than 
— never indulge in it. Besides being coarse and atro- 
cious, it is very bad for the health." 

Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good 
breeding in the following words, and these warnings will 
be equally applicable to the student of etiquette in the 
present day. He says: — 

"Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal 
and most necessary one, not only as it is very important 



MISCELLANEOUS. 305 

In itself, but as it adds great lustre to the more solid ad- 
vantages both of the heart and the mind. I have often 
touched upon good breeding to you before ; so that this 
letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, 
which is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly 
free from those odd tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, 
which even many very worthy and sensible people have 
in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel manner 
may sound, it is of very great consequence towards 
pleasing in private life, especially the women, which one 
time or other, you will think worth pleasing ; and I have 
known many a man from his awkwardness, give people 
such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not 
get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel 
manner prepossesses people in your favor, bends them 
towards you, and makes them wish to be like you. 
Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes ; either 
from not having kept good company, or from not having 
attended to it. In good company do you take care to 
observe their ways and manners, and to form your own 
upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, 
as, indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without 
attention is not fit to live in the world. When an awk- 
ward fellow first comes into a room, it is highly probable 
that he goes and places himself in the very place of the 
whole room where he should not ; there he soon lets his 
hat fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down 
his cane ; in recovering his cane, his hat falls a second 
time, so that he is quarter of an hour before he is in 
order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he certainly 
scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall, 
20 



306 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



and spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awk- 
wardness distinguishes itself particularly, as he has more 
to do; there he holds his knife, fork, and spoon differ- 
ently from other people, eats with his knife, to the great 
danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and 
puts his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty 
times, into the dishes again. If he is to carve, he can 
never hit the joint: but, in his vain efforts to cut through 
the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody's face. He 
generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though 
his napkin is commonly stuck through a button-hole, and 
tickles his chin. When he drinks, he infalliably coughs 
in his glass, and besprinkles the company. Besides all 
this, he has strange tricks and gestures ; such as snuffing 
up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, 
or blowing it and looking afterwards in his handkerchief 
so as to make the company sick. His hands are trouble- 
some to him, when he has not something in them, and he 
does not know where to put them ; but they are in per- 
petual motion between his bosom and his breeches ; he 
does not wear his clothes, and, in short, he does nothing 
like other people. All this, I own, is not in any degree 
criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous in 
company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by 
whoever desires to please. 

"From this account of w T hat you should not do, you 
may easily judge what you should do; and a due atten- 
tion to the manners of people of fashion, and who have 
seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to 
you. 

"There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



807 



words, most carefully to be avoided ; such as false En- 
glish, bad pronunciation, old sayings, and common pro- 
verbs; which are so many proofs of having kept bad 
and low company. For example, if, instead of saying 
that tastes are different, and that every man has his own 
peculiar one, you should let off a proverb, and say, That 
what is one man's meat is another man's poison ; or else, 
Every one as they like, as the good man said when he 
kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you 
had never kept company with anybody above footmen 
and housemaids. 

" Attention will do all this, and without attention no- 
thing is to be done ; want of attention, which is really want 
of thought, is either folly or madness. You should not 
only have attention to everything, but a quickness of 
attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in the 
room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and 
yet without staring at them, and seeming to be an ob- 
server. This quick and unobserved observation is of in- 
finite advantage in life, and is to be acquired with care; 
and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which is 
thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is 
doing, makes a man so like either a fool or a madman, 
that, for my part, I see no real difference. A fool never 
has thought; a madman has lost it; and an absent man 
is, for the time, without it. 

" I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks 
and awkwardnesses, which many people contract when 
they are young, by the negligence of their parents, and 
cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as odd 
motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carrriage. 



808 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



But there is likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that 
ought to be, and with care may be, avoided ; as, for in- 
stance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr. What-d'ye- 
call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d'ye-call-her, is ex- 
cessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by im- 
proper titles and appellations is so too. To begin a 
story or narration when you are not perfect in it, and 
cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, to 
say, in the middle of it, 4 1 have forgotten the rest/ is 
very unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely 
exact, clear, and perspicuous, in everything one says, 
otherwise, instead of entertaining, or informing others, 
one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and manner 
of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people 
almost shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter 
so, that they are not to be understood ; others speak so 
fast, and sputter, that they are not to be understood 
neither; some always speak as loud as if they were 
talking to deaf people ; and others so low that one can- 
not hear them. All these habits are awkward and dis- 
agreeable, and are to be avoided by attention ; they are 
the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who 
have had no care taken of their education. You cannot 
imagine how necessary it is to mind all these little 
things ; for I have seen many people with great talents 
ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and 
others well received, only from their little talents, and 
who have had no great ones." 

Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the 
witticisms or remarks of another person as if they were 
your own. If you are discovered in the larceny of an- 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



309 



other's ideas, you may originate a thousand brilliant 
ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of one. 
If you quote your friend's remarks, give them as quota- 
tions. 

Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men 
say, that a man may repent when he has spoken, but he 
will not repent if he keeps silence. 

If you wish to retain a good position in society, be 
careful to return all the visits which are paid to you, 
promptly, and do not neglect your calls upon ladies, in- 
valids, and men older than yourself. 

Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with 
your name, and, if you will, your address engraved upon 
it. A handsomely written card is the most elegant one 
for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one ; a 
printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. 
Have no fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes 
upon your visiting cards, and never put your profession 
or business upon any but business cards, unless it is as a 
prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., in case you 
are in the army or navy, put U. S. N., or IJ. S. A. after 
your name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the 
vulgarity of using your title, excepting when you are 
with your company or on a parade. Tinted cards may 
be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. 
If you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write 
the name of the person for whom it is intended above 
your own, on the card. 

In directing a letter, put first the name of the person 
for whom it is intended, then the name of the city, then 
that of the state in which he resides. If you send it to 



310 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



the care of another person, or to a boarding house, or 
hotel, you can put that name either after the name of 
your correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the 
letter — thus : — 

Mr. J. S. Jones, 

Care of Mr. T. 0. Jones, 

Boston, 
Mass. 

or, 

Mr. J. S. Jones, 

Boston, 

Revere House. Mass. 

If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title be- 
fore his station after his name, thus: — 

Capt. L. Lewis, IT. S. A., 
or, 

Lieutenant T. Roberts, U. S. K 

If you send your letter by a private hand, put the 
name of the bearer in the lower left hand corner of the 
envelope, but put the name only. " Politeness of," — or 
" Kindness of," are obsolete, and not used now at all. 
Write the direction thus : — 

J. L. Holmes, Esq., 

Revere House, 

Boston, 

0. L. Cutts, Esq. Mass. 



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311 



This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. 
Cutts is in Boston, which is the object to be gained by 
putting the name of the bearer on a letter, sent by a 
private hand. 

Guard against vulgar language. There is as 
much connection between the words and the thoughts as 
there is between the thoughts and the words ; the latter 
are not only the expression of the former, but they have 
a power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of 
their corruption there. A young man who allows him- 
self to use one profane or vulgar word, has not only 
shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the 
utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames 
it, till, by indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the 
whole soul. Be careful of your words as well as your 
thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that no im- 
proper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able 
to control the mind and save it from corruption. You 
extinguish the fire by smothering it, or by preventing 
bad thoughts bursting out in language. Never utter a 
word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak 
in the presence of the most religious man. Try this 
practice a little, and you will soon have command of 
yourself. 

Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more 
dreaded in society, or accounted a greater "bore" than 
he whose every other word is "I," "me," or "my." 
Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, 
but speak but little of your own affairs. 

It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or 
the affairs of your neighbors. A female gossip is de- 



312 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

testable, but a male gossip is not only detestable but ut- 
terly despicable. 

A celebrated English lawyer gives the following di- 
rections for young men entering into business. He 
says : — 

"Select the kind of business that suits your 
natural inclinations and temperament. — Some men 
are naturally mechanics ; others have a strong aversion 
to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a 
natural taste for one occupation in life, and another for 
another. 

" I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried 
it, unsuccessfully, several times. I never could be con- 
tent with a fixed salery, for mine is a purely speculative 
disposition, while others are just the reverse ; and there- 
fore all should be careful to select those occupations that 
suit them best. 

"Let your pledged word ever be sacred. — Never 
promise to do a thing without performing it with the 
most rigid promptness. Nothing is more valuable to a 
man in business than the name of always doing as he 
agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to 
this rule gives a man the command of half the spare 
funds within the range of his acquaintance, and encircles 
him with a host of friends, who may be depended upon 
in any emergency. 

"Whatever you do, do with all your might. — 
Work at it, if necessary, early and late, in season and 
out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never 
deferring for a single hour that which can just as well 
be done now. The old proverb is full of truth and 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



313 



meaning— " Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth 
doing well." Many a man acquires a fortune by doing 
his business thoroughly, while his neighbor remains poor 
for life, because he only half does his business. Ambi- 
tion, energy, industry, and perseverance, are indispensa- 
ble requisites for success in business. 

" Sobriety. Use no description oe intoxicating 
drinks. — As no man can succeed in business unless he 
has a brain to enable him to lay his plans, and reason to 
guide him in their execution, so, no matter how bounti- 
fully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain 
is muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating 
drinks, it is impossible for him to carry on business suc- 
cessfully. How many good opportunities have passed 
never to return, while a man was sipping a ' social glass' 
with a friend ! How many a foolish bargain has been 
made under the influence of the wine-cup, which tem- 
porarily makes his victim so rich! How many important 
chances have been put off until to-morrow, and thence 
for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into 
a state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential 
to success in business. The use of intoxicating drinks 
as a beverage is as much an infatuation as is the smoking 
of opium by the Chinese, and the former is quite as 
destructive to the success of the business man as the 
latter. 

"Let hope predominate, but be not too visionary. 
— Many persons are always kept poor because they are 
too visionary. Every project looks to them like certain 
success, and, therefore, they keep changing from one 
business to another, always in hot water, and always 



814 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



6 under the harrow.' The plan of 6 counting the chickens 
before they are hatched,' is an error of ancient date, but 
it does not seem to improve by age. 

"Do not scatter your powers. — Engage in one 
kind of business only, and stick to it faithfully until you 
succeed, or until you conclude to abandon it. A con- 
stant hammering on one nail will generally drive it home 
at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man's undi- 
vided attention is centered on one object, his mind will 
continually be suggesting improvements of value, which 
would escape him if his brain were occupied by a dozen 
different subjects at once. Many a fortune has slipped 
through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupa- 
tions at once. 

" Engage proper employees. — Never employ a man 
of bad habits when one whose habits are good can be 
found to fill his situation. I have generally been ex- 
tremely fortunate in having faithful and competent per- 
sons to fill the responsible situations in my business ; and 
a man can scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. 
When you find a man unfit to fill his station, either from 
incapacity or peculiarity of character or disposition, dis- 
pense with his services, and do not drag out a miserable 
existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It 
is utterly impossible to do so, ' You cannot make a silk 
purse,' &c. He has been created for some other sphere ; 
let him find and fill it." 

If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a 
man who converses well, you must cultivate your memory. 
Do not smile and tell me that this is a gift, not an ac- 
quirement. It is true that some people have naturally a 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



315 



more retentive memory than others, but those naturally 
most deficient may strengthen their powers by cultiva- 
tion. 

Cultivate, therfore, this glorious faculty, by storing 
and exercising it with trains of imagery. Accustom 
yourselves to look at any natural object, and then con- 
sider how many facts and thoughts may be associated 
with it — how much of poetic imagery and refined com- 
binations. Follow out this idea, and you will find that 
imagination, which is too often in youth permitted to 
build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are unpro- 
fitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much 
enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while 
walking in a beautiful country, and seeing before me a 
glorious rainbow, over-arching the valley which lay in 
front. And not more quickly than its appearance, came 
to my remembrance an admirable passage in the "Art 
of Poetic Painting," wherein the author suggests the 
great mental advantage of exercising the mind on all 
subjects, by considering — 

" What use can be made of them ? 
What remarks they will illustrate ? 
What representations they will serve ? 
What comparison they will furnish?" 

And while thus thinking, I remembered that the in- 
genious author has instanced the rainbow as affording a 
variety of illustrations, and capable, in the imagery 
which it suggests, of numerous combinations. Thus : 

THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW 

Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream ; 
Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards ; 



316 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass ; 
Veiled the waning moon and the evening star; 
Over-arched the mist of the waterfall; 
Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence. 
And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things 
of earth must pass away. 

Every book you read, every natural object which meets 
your view, may be the exercise of memory, be made to 
furnish food both for reflection and conversation, enjoy- 
ment for your own solitary hours, and the means of 
making you popular in society. Believe me, the man 
■who — -"saw it, to be sure, but really forgot what it 
looked like," who is met every day in society, will not 
be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory 
and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, 
can make every object worthy of remark familiar and 
interesting to those who have not seen it. 

If you have leisure moments, and what man has not ? 
do not consider them as spare atoms of time to be wasted, 
idled away in profitless lounging. Always have a book 
within your reach, which you majr catch up at your odd 
minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, 
if it is but a single sentence. If you can give fifteen 
minutes a day, it will be felt at the end of the year. 
Thoughts take up no room. When they are right they 
afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor 
with without any trouble or incumbrance. 

In your intercourse with other men, let every word 
that falls from your lips, bear the stamp of perfect 
truth. No reputation can be more enviable than that 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



317 



of being known as a man who no consideration could 
force to soil his soul with a lie. 

" Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming 
in herself, that to make falsehood be received, we are 
compelled to dress it up in the snow-white robes of 
Truth ; as in passing base coin, it must have the impress 
of the good er^ it will pass current. Deception, hypo- 
crisy, and dissimulation, are, when practised, direct com- 
pliments to the power of Truth; and the common custom 
of passing off Truth's counterfeit for herself, is strong 
testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and excel- 
lence." 

Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the 
most agreeable in society, and no investment of money 
or time is so profitable as that spent in good, useful 
books, and reading. A good book is a lasting companion. 
Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at 
once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy 
communion with the mind, though not with the person 
of the writer. Thus the humblest man may surround 
himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present 
ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book ; he 
owns a friend that will instruct him in moments of leisure 
or of necessity. It is only necessary to turn open the 
leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth its streams. 
You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful 
ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for 
your floors; but, after the absolute necessaries for a 
home, give me books as at once the cheapest, and cer- 
tainly the most useful and abiding embellishments. 

A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing 



818 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

the follies, ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will 
not even allow himself to smile at them. He will treat 
the rudest clown with the same easy courtesy which he 
would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will 
never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the 
faults, or vulgarity of another. Personal deformity is a 
cross sent by God, and none but a depraved, wicked, and 
brutal man could ridicule, or even greet with a passing 
smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or 
look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle 
courtesy, the regard paid by a feeling man to the com- 
fort of a cripple, or that easy grace which, while it shows 
no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more deference 
to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all 
duly appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the 
man who extends them the respect and love of all with 
whom he comes in contact. 

Remember that true wit never descends to personali- 
ties. When you hear a man trying to be "funny" at 
the expense of his friends, or even his enemies, you may 
feel sure that his humor is forced, and while it sinks to 
ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true wit. 

Never try to make yourself out to be a very important 
person. If you are so really, your friends will soon find 
it out, if not, they will not give you credit for being so, 
because you try to force your fancied importance upon 
them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much 
loved nor respected, and you may remember that the 
frog who tried to make himself as big as an ox, died in 
the attempt. 

A severe wit once said, "If you do not wish to be the 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



319 



mark for slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, 
and the last to leave it." 

If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, 
think first — " Suppose she were my sister!" You can 
never gain anything by bringing your voice against a 
woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and 
your forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. 
It is a cowardly tongue that will take a woman's name 
upon it to injure her ; though many men do this, who 
would fear, — absolutely be afraid, to speak against a 
man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to pro- 
tect her. 

I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, 
who says : 

" It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people 
in your favour at first sight, more time being necessary 
to discover greater talents. This good-breeding, you 
know, does not consist in low bows and formal ceremony ; 
but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You 
will take care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, 
when you are spoken to ; to place yourself at the lower 
end of the table, unless bid to go higher ; to drink first 
to the lady of the house, and next to the master ; not to 
eat awkwardly or dirtily ; not to sit when others stand ; 
and to do all this with an air of complaisance, and not 
with a grave, sour look, as if you did it all unwillingly. 
I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that fools have when 
they would be civil ; but an air of sensible good-humor. 
I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so ne- 
cessary to possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is 
equally inconsistent with a still formality, and imperti- 



820 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

nent forwardness, and an awkward bashfulness. A little 
ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of firmness 
is absolutely so ; and an outward modesty is extremely 
becoming; the knowledge of the world, and your own 
observations, must, and alone can tell you the proper 
quantities of each. 

"I mentioned the general rules of common civility, 
which, whoever does not observe, will pass for a bear, and 
be as unwelcome as one, in company ; there is hardly 
any body brutal enough not to answer when they are 
spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you 
should be extremely civil, and distinguished for your 
good breeding. The first principle of this good breeding 
is never to say anything that you think can be disagree- 
able to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you 
should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them ; 
and that in an easy and natural manner, without seeming 
to study for compliments. There is likewise such a 
thing as a civil look, and a rude look ; and you should 
look civil, as well as be so ; for if, while you are saying 
a civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English 
bumpkins do, nobody will be obliged to you for a civility 
that seemed to come so unwillingly. If you have occa- 
sion to contradict any body, or to set them right from a 
mistake, it would be very brutal to say, 'That is not so, I 
know better, or You are out ; but you should say with a 
civil look, I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake, or, 
If I may take the liberty of contradicting you, I believe 
it is so and so ; for, though you may know a thing better 
than other people, yet it is very shocking to tell them so 
directly, without something to soften it; but remember 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



321 



particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so 
civil an intention, a great deal consists in the manner 
and the look, which must be genteel, easy, and natural, 
and is easier to be felt than described. 

" Civility is particularly due to all women: and re- 
member, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any 
man in not being civil to every woman ; and the greatest 
man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were not civil 
to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is 
the only protection they have against the superior 
strength of ours ; nay, even a little flattery is allowable 
with women ; and a man may, without meanness, tell a 
woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she is. 
Observe the French people, and mind how easily and 
naturally civil their address is, and how agreeably they 
insinuate little civilities in their conversation. They 
think it so essential, that they call an honest man and a 
civil man by the same name, of honnete Jwmme ; and the 
Romans called civility humanitas, as thinking it insep- 
arable from humanity. You cannot begin too early to 
take that turn, in order to make it natural and habitual 
to you." 

Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, 
he says: — 

" As for the rnauvaise honte, I hope you are above it. 
Your figure is like other people's ; I suppose you will 
care that your dress shall be so too, and to avoid any 
singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? and 
why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease 
and as little concern, as you would go into your own 
room ? Vice and ignorance are the only things I know, 
21 



822 



gentlemen's book oe etiquette. 



which one ought to be ashamed , of ; keep but clear of 
them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. 
I have known some people, who, from feeling the pain 
and inconveniences of this mauvaise honte, have rushed 
into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as 
cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of 
danger; but this too is carefully to be avoided, there 
being nothing more generally shocking than impudence. 
The medium between these two extremes marks out the 
well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all 
companies ; is modest without being bashful, and steady 
without being impudent ; if he is a stranger, he observes, 
with care, the manners and ways of the people most es- 
teemed at that place, and conforms to them with com- 
plaisance." 

Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in 
a person's praise than is deserved, you not only say 
what is false, but you make others doubt the wisdom of 
your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be re- 
garded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. 
In your intercourse with ladies, you will find that the 
delicate compliment of seeking their society, showing 
your pleasure in it, and choosing for subjects of conversa- 
tion, other themes than the weather, dress, or the opera, 
will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the 
more awkward compliment of open words or gestures of 
admiration. 

Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even 
though those men have the highest genius to excuse their 
oddities. Eccentricity is, at the best, in bad taste ; but 
an imitation of it — second hand oddity — is detestable. 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



S23 



Never feign abstraction in society. If you have 
matters of importance which really occupy your mind, 
and prevent you from paying attention to the proper 
etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less 
preoccupied. Chesterfield says: — 

"What is commonly called an absent man, is com- 
monly either a very weak, or a very affected man ; but 
be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a very disagreeable 
man in company. He fails in all the common offices of 
civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, 
whom yesterday he appeared to live in intimacy with. 
He takes no part in the general conversation; but, on 
the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, with some 
start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This 
(as I said before) is a sure indication, either of a mind 
so weak that it is not able to bear above one object at a 
time; or so affected, that it would be supposed to be 
wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great 
and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, 
and (it may be) five or six more, since the creation of 
the world, may have had a right to absence, from that 
intense thought which the things they were investigating 
required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, 
who has no such avocations to plead, will claim and ex- 
ercise that right of absence in company, his pretended 
right should, in my mind, be turned into an involuntary 
absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. 
However frivolous a company may be, still, while you 
are among them, do not show them, by your inattention, 
that you think them so ; but rather take their tone, and 
conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead of 



324 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing 
that people bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than 
contempt; and an injury is much sooner forgotten than 
an insult. If, therefore, you would rather please than 
offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved 
than hated; remember to have that constant attention 
about you, which flatters every man's little vanity; and 
the want of which, by mortifying his pride, never fails 
to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill will. For 
instance : most people (I might say all people) have their 
weaknesses ; they have their aversions and their likings 
to such or such things; so that, if you were to laugh at 
a man for his aversion to a cat, or cheese, (which are 
common antipathies,) or, by inattention and negligence, 
to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, 
he would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, 
in the second, slighted, and would remember both. 
Whereas your care to procure for him what he likes, and 
to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he is, 
at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, 
and makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more 
important service would have done. With regard to 
women, attentions still below these are necessary, and, 
by the custom of the world, in some measure due, ac- 
cording to the laws of good breeding." 

In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you 
avoid extravagant expenditure, it is your duty to place 
before them the best your purse will permit you to pur- 
chase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance with- 
out superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, 
are your best rules for an entertainment. 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



325 



If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or 
in any other way, your enemy, or a man to whom you 
have the strongest personal dislike, is under your roof, 
or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good breeding 
both require you to treat him with the same frank 
courtesy which you extend to your other guests; though 
you need make no violent protestations of friendship, 
and are not required to make any advances towards him 
after he ceases to be your guest. 

In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests 
as you can seat comfortably at your table. If you have 
two tables, have them precisely alike, or, rest assured, 
you will offend those friends whom you place at what 
they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid 
having little tables placed in the corners of the room, 
when there is a large table. At some houses in Paris it 
is a fashion to set the dining room entirely with small 
tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or 
four people, and such parties are very merry, very so- 
ciable and pleasant, if four congenial people are around 
each table ; but it is a very dull fashion, if you are not 
sure of the congeniality of each quartette of guests. 

If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is 
wiser to retire from the world of fashion than to wait 
for that world to bow you out. 

If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of 
your family or talents, avoid the error which the young 
are most apt to fall into, that of living beyond your 
means. 

The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in 
the present day, as it was in Shakspeare's time : — 



326 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



" Give tliy thoughts no tongue, 
jNTor any unproportioned thought his act. 
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. 
The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, 
Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel : 
But do not dull thy palm with entertainments 
Of each new hatch' d, unfledg'd comrade. Beware 
Of entrance to a quarrel : but, being in, 
Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee. 
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice ; 
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. 
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, 
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; 
For the apparel oft proclaims the man. 

Neither a borrower nor a lender be : 
For loan oft loses both itself and friend; 
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. 
This above all, — To thine ownself be true ; 
And it must follow, as the night the day, 
Thou canst not then be false to any man." 

It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in 
the serious pursuits of life. Take time for pleasure, and 
you will find your work progresses faster for some re- 
creation. Lord Chesterfield says : 

"I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; 
they were seasonable ; they were the pleasures of youth, 
and I enjoyed them while young. If I had not, I should 
probably have overvalued them now, as we are very apt to 
do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I 
know their real value, and how much they are generally 
overrated. Nor do I regret the time that I have passed 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



327 



in business, for the same reason; those who see only the 
outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, which they 
pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive 
them. I, who have been behind the scenes, both of 
pleasure and business, and have seen all the springs and 
pullies of those decorations which astonish and dazzle 
the audience, retire, not only without regret, but with 
contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever 
shall regret, is the time which, while young, I lost in 
mere idleness, and in doing nothing. This is the com- 
mon effect of the inconsideracy of youth, against which 
I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The 
value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well em- 
ployed; if thrown away, their loss is irrecoverable. 
Every moment may be put to some use, and that with 
much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not im- 
agine that by the employment of time, I mean an unin- 
terrupted application to serious studies. No ; pleasures 
are, at proper times, both as necessary and as useful; 
they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you 
characters, and show you the human heart in its un- 
guarded minutes. But then remember to make that use 
of them. I have known many people, from laziness of 
mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal 
inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the 
other; thinking themselves men of pleasure, because 
they were mingled with those who were, and men of bu- 
siness, because they had business to do, though they 
did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; 
do it thoroughly, not superficially. Appy*ofondissez : 
go to the bottom of things. Anything half done or 



828 



gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor known 
at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly 
any place or any company where you may not gain 
knowledge, if you please; almost every body knows 
some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one thing. 
Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the 
next* See everything; inquire into everything; and 
you may excuse your curiosity, and the questions you 
ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, by 
your manner of asking them ; for most things depend a 
great deal upon the manner. As, for example, I am 
afraid that I am very troublesome with my questions ; but 
nobody can inform me so well as you; or something of 
that kind." 

The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, 
says : — 

" Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred 
vice or weakness ; and, if carried beyond certain bounds, 
sinks into one or the other. Generosity often runs into 
profusion, economy into avarice, courage into rashness, 
caution into timidity, and so on :— insomuch that, I be- 
lieve, there is more judgment required for the proper 
conduct of our virtues, than for avoiding their opposite 
vices. Vice, in its true light, is so deformed, that it 
shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce 
us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. 
But virtue is, in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at 
first sight; engages us more and more upon further ac- 
quaintance; and, as with other beauties, we think excess 
impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to 
moderate and direct the eifects of an excellent cause. I 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



329 



shall apply this reasoning, at present, not to any par- 
ticular virtue, but to an excellency, which, for want of 
judgment, is often the cause of ridiculous and blame able 
effects; I mean great learning; which, if not accom- 
panied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into 
error, pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess 
that excellency in its utmost extent, and yet without its 
too common failings, the hints, which my experience can 
suggest, may probably not be useless to you. 

" Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only 
speak to decide, and give judgment without appeal; the 
consequence of which is, that mankind, provoked by the 
insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in 
order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful au- 
thority in question. The more you know, the modester 
you should be; and (by the bye) that modesty is the 
surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even where you 
are sure, seem rather doubtful ; represent, but do not 
pronounce ; and, if you would convince others, seem 
open to conviction yourself. 

u Others, to show their learning, or often from the 
prejudices of a school education, where they hear of no- 
thing else, are always talking of the ancients, as some- 
thing more than men, and of the moderns, as something 
less. They are never without a classic or two in their 
pockets ; they stick to the old good sense ; they read 
none of the modern trash ; and will show you plainly 
that no improvement has been made in any one art of 
science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, 
by no means, have you disown your acquaintance with 
the ancients ; but still less would I have you brag of an 



330 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 



exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of the moderns 
without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry ; 
judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages ; 
and if you happen to have an Elzevir classic in your 
pocket, neither show it nor mention it. 

" Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their 
maxims, both for public and private life, from what they 
call parallel cases in the ancient authors ; without con- 
sidering that, in the first place, there never were, since 
the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel; 
and, in the next place, that there never was a case 
stated, or even known, by any historian, with every one 
of its circumstances ; which, however, ought to be known 
in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the case 
itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and 
act accordingly ; but not from the authority of ancient 
poets or historians. Take into your consideration, if 
you please, cases seemingly analogous ; but take them 
as helps only, not as guides. 

" There is another species of learned men who, though 
less dogmatical and supercilious, are not less impertinent. 
These are the communicative and shining pedants, who x 
adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy 
quotations of Greek and Latin ; and who have contracted 
such a familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, 
that they call them by certain names or epithets denoting 
intimacy. As, old Homer ; that sly rogue Horace ; 
MarOy instead of Virgil ; and Naso, instead of Ovid. 
These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no 
learning at all, but who have got some names and some 
scraps of ancient authors by heart, which they impro- 



MISCELLANEOUS. 331 

perly and impertinently retail in all companies, in hopes 
of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid 
the accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion 
of ignorance on the other, abstain from learned ostenta- 
tion. Speak the language of the company that you are 
in ; speak it purely, and unlarcled with any other. 
Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you 
are with. Wear your learning, like your watch, in a 
private pocket ; and do not pull it out and strike it, 
merely to show that you have one. If you are asked 
what o'clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly 
and unasked, like the watchman. 

" Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean 
Greek and Roman learning) is a most useful and neces- 
sary ornament, which it is shameful not to be master of; 
but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those errors 
and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often 
attend it. Remember, too, that great modern knowledge 
is still more necessary than ancient ; and that you had 
better know perfectly the present, than the old state of 
the world ; though I would have you well acquainted with 
both." 

If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of 
the pleasure of escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or 
other entertainments, because it is understood in society 
that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the expenses 
for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill 
for carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen 
demands, greater than you anticipated. 

Shun the card table. Even the friendly games com- 
mon in society, for small stakes, are best avoided. They 



332 gentlemen's book of etiquette. 

feed the love of gambling, and you will find that this 
love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get rid off. 

It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the 
cards on a table, when you are calling. If your host or 
hostess finds you so doing, it may lead them to suppose 
you value them more for their acquaintances than them- 
selves. 



Jaa. 23 1861. 



BOOKS 
Published by G. G. Evans, 

4.39 Chestnut St., Philadelphia. 



T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS. 

The following Books are by T. S. Arthur, the well-known author, of whom 
it has been said, " that dying, he has not written a word he would wish to 
erasb." They are worthy of a place in every household. 

ARTHUR'S SKETCHES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER 

Royal 12 mo. vol. of over 400 pages, beautifully Illustrated, and 
bound in the best English muslin, gilt. Price $1.25. 

LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF REAL LIFE. 

With an Autobiography and Portrait of the Author. Over 500 
pages, Royal 12m 0., fine tinted Engravings. Price $1.25. 

TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR-ROOM, and what I saw there. 

This powerfully-written work, one of the best by its popular 
author, has met with an immense sale. It is a large 1 zmo., 
illustrated with a beautiful Mezzotint Engraving, by Sartain; 
printed on fine white paper, and bound in the best English 
muslin, gilt back. Price, $1.00. 

GOLDEN GRAINS FROM LIFE'S HARVEST-FIELD. 

Bound in gilt back and sides, cloth, with a beautiful Mezzotint 
engraving. 1 21110. Price $1.00. 

WHAT CAN WOMAN DO. 

nmo., with Mezzotint engraving. Price $1.00. 

** Our purpose is to show, in a series of Life Pictures, what woman o^n do* 
"i* ell for good as for evil," 

ANGEL OF THE HOUSEHOLD, and other tales* 
Cloth, 1 2m©,, with Mezzotint engraving. Price $1.00. 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



ARTHUR'S HOME LIBRARY. 

[The following four volumes contain nearly 500 pages each, and are illus- 
trated with fine Mezzotini engravings. Bound in the best manner, and 
■old separately or in sets. They have been introduced into the District, 
Sabbath School, and other Libraries, and are considered one of the best 
series of the Author.] 

THREE ERAS IN WOMAN'S LIFE. 

Containing Maiden, Wife and Mother. Cloth, 1 2mo., with Mez- 
zotint engraving. Price, $1.00. 
" This, by many, is considered Mr. Arthur's best work." 

TALES OF MARRIED LIFE. 

Containing Lovers and Husbands, Sweethearts and Wives, and 
Married and Single. Cloth, i2mo., with Mezzotint engraving. 
Price $1.00. 

"In this volume may be found some valuable hints for wives and hus* 
bands, as well as for the young." 

TALES OF REAL LIFE. 

Containing Bell Martin, Pride and Principle, Mary Ellis-, Family 
Pride and Alice Melville. Cloth, i2mo., with Mezzotint 
engraving. Price $1,00. 

" This volume gives the experience of real life by many who found not 
their ideal." 

THE MARTYR WIFE. 

Containing Madeline, the Heiress, The Martyr Wife and Ruined 
Gamester. Cloth, izmo., with Mezzotint engraving. $1.00. 
"Contains several sketches of thrilling interest. " 

THE ANGEL AND THE DEMON. 

A Book of Startling Interest. A handsome i2mo volume, $i.oo» 

" In this exciting s f ,ory, Mr. Arthur has taken hold of the reader's attention 
with a more than usually vigorous grasp, and keeps him absorbed to the end 
of the volurc e." 

THE WAY TO PROSPER, 

And other tales. Cloth, i2mo., with engraving. Price $i.o& 

TRUE RICHES ; or WEALTH WITHOUT WINGS, 

And other Tales. Cloth, nmo., with Mezzotint engraving. 
Prke, $1.00. 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



3 



THE YOUNG LADY AT HOME. 
A Series of Home .Stories for American Women. i2mo. $1.00 

TRIALS AND CONFESSIONS OF A HOUSEKEEPER. 

With 14 Spirited Illustrations. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

The range of subjects in this book embrace the grave and instructive, as 
WsL as the agreeable and amusing. No Lady reader familiar with the trials 
and perplexities incident to Housekeeping", can fail to recognize many of her 
own experiences, for every picture here presented has been drawn from life. 

THE WITHERED HEART. 

With fine Mezzotint Frontispiece. i2mo., Cloth. Price $1.00. 

This work has gone through several editions in England, although pub- 
lished but a short time, and has had the most nattering notices from the 
English Press. 

STEPS TOWARD HEAVEN. 

A Series of Lay Sermons for Converts in the Great Awakening. 
i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

THE HAND BUT NOT THE HEART; 
Or, Life Trials of Jessie Loring. i2mo., cloth. Price, $1.00. 

THE GOOD TIME COMING. 
Large i2mo., with fine Mezzotint Frontispiece. Price, $1.00. 

LEAVES FROM THE BOOK OF HUMAN LIFE. 

Large i2mo. With 30 illustrations and steel plate. Price $1.00. 
"It includes some of the best humorous sketches of the author." 

HEART HISTORIES AND LIFE PICTURES. 

izmo Cloth. Price $1.00. 

In the preparation of this volume, we have endeavored to show, that 
whatever tends to awaken our sympathies towards others, is an individual 
benefit as well as a common good." 

SPARING TO SPEND ; or, the Loftons and Pinkertons 

izmo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

The purpose of this volume is to exhibit the evils that flow & om &e toe 
common lack of prudence. 



4 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



HOME SCENES, 
izmo. Cloth. Price $1.00. 

This Book is designed to aid in the work of overcoming what is evil and 
selfish, that home lights may dispel home shadows. 

THE OLD MAN'S % BRIDE, 
izmo. Cloth. Price $1.00. 
This is a powerfully written Book, showing the folly of unequal marriages. 

ADVICE TO YOUNG LADIES ON THEIR DUTIES AND 
CONDUCT IN LIFE. 

By T. S. Arthur. A new and greatly enlarged edition. i2mo., 
cloth. Steel plate. Price $1.00. 

ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN ON VARIOUS IMPORTANT 

SUBJECTS. 

By T. S. Arthur. A new and greatly enlarged edition, izmo., 
cloth. Steel plate. Price $1.00. 

TWENTY YEARS AGO AND NOW. 

By T. S. Arthur, i 21110., cloth, mezzotint engraving. Price 
$1.00 



BIOGRAPHIES. 

LIFE AND EXPLORATIONS OF DR. E. K. KANE, 
And other Distinguished American Explorers. Including Ledyard, 
Wilkes, Perry, &c. Containing narratives of their researches 
and adventures in remote and interesting portions of the Globe. 
By Samuel M. Smucker, LL.D. With a line Mezzotint Por- 
trait of Dr. Kane, in his Arctic costume. Price $1.00. 

THE LIFE AND REIGN OF NICHOLAS I., 
Emperor of Russia. With descriptions of Russian Society and 
Government, and a full and complete History of the War in 
the East. Also, Sketches of Schamyl, the Circassian, ant other 
Distinguished Characters. By S. M. Smucker, LL.D. Beautifully 
Illustrated. Over 400 pages, large izmo. Price $1.25. 

THE PUBLIC AND PRIVATE LIFE OF DAN'L WEBSTER, 
By Gen. S. P. Lyman. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



s 



THE MASTER SPIRIT OF THE AGE. 

THE PUBLIC AND PRIVATE HISTORY OF NAPOLEON 
THE THIRD. 

With Biographical Notices of his most Distinguished Ministers, 
Generals and Favorites. By S. M. Smucker, LL.D. This in- 
teresting and valuable work is embellished with splendid steel 
plates, done by Sartain in his best style, including the Emperor, 
the Empress, Queen Hortense, and the Countess Castiglione. 
400 pages, i2mo. Price $1.25. 

MEMOIRS OF ROBERT HOUDIN, 

The celebrated French Conjuror. Translated from the French. 
With a copious Index. By Dr. R. Shelton Mackenzie. This 
book is full of interesting and entertaining anecdotes of the great 
Wizard, and gives descriptions of the manner of performing 
many of his most curious tricks and transformations. i2mo., 
cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVID CROCKETT. 

Written by himself, with Notes and Additions. Splendidly illus- 
trated with engravings, from original designs. By George G 
White. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIFE AND TIMES OF DANIEL BOONE. 

Including an account of the Early Settlements of Kentucky. By 
Cecil B. Hartley. With splendid illustrations, from original 
drawings by George G. White. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF LEWIS WETZEL. 
Together with Biographical Sketches of Simon Kenton, Benjamin 
Logan, Samuel Brady, Isaac Shelby, and other distinguished 
Warriors and Hunters of the West. By Cecil B. Hartley. 
With splendid illustrations, from original drawings by George 
G. White. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIFE AND TIMES OF GENERAL FRANCIS MARION, 
The Hero of the American Revolution ; giving full accounts of 
his many perilous adventures and hair-breadth escapes amongst 
the British and Tories in the Southern States, during the struggle 
for liberty. By W. Gilmore Simms. i2mo., cloth. $1.00. 



*6 



LIST OP BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



LIFE OF GENERAL SAMUEL HOUSTON, 

The Hunter, Patriot, and Statesman of Texas. With nine illus- 
trations. i2mo + , cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIVES OF GENERAL HENRY LEE AND GENERAL 
THOMAS SUMPTER. 

Comprising a History of the War in the Southern Department of 
the United States. Illustrated, i2mo, cloth. $1.00. 

DARING & HEROIC DEEDS OF AMERICAN WOMEN. 

Comprising Thrilling Examples of Courage, Fortitude, Devoted- 
ness, and Self-Sacrifice, among the Pioneer Mothers of the 
Western Country. By John Frost, LL.D. Price $1.00. 

LIVES OF FEMALE MORMONS. 

A Narrative of facts Stranger than Fiction. By Metta Victoria 
Fuller, i 2 mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIVES OF ILLUSTRIOUS WOMEN OF ALL AGES. 

Containing tne Empress Josephine, Lady Jane Gray, Beatrice 
Cenci, Joan of Arc, Anne Boleyn, Charlotte Corday, Zenobia, 
&c, &c. Embellished with Fine Steel Portraits. i2mo., cloth. 
Price $1.00. 

THE LIVES AND EXPLOITS OF THE MOST NOTED 
BUCCANEERS & PIRATES OF ALL COUNTRIES. 

Handsomely illustrated. 1 vol. Cloth. Price $1.00. 

HIGHWAYMEN, ROBBERS AND BANDITTI OF ALL 
COUNTRIES. 

With Colored and other Engravings. Handsomely bound in one 
volume. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

HEROES AND PATRIOTS OF THE SOUTH; 

Comprising Lives of General Francis Marion, General William 
Moultrie, General Andrew Pickens, and Governor John 
Rutledge. By Cecil B. Hartley. Illustrated, i2mo., cloth. 
Price $1.00. 



T 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



7 



KIT CARSON. 

Life of Christopher Carson, the celebrated Rocky Mountain 
Hunter, Trapper and Guide, with a full description of his 
Hunting Exploits, Hair-breadth Escapes, and adventures with 
the Indians; together with his services rendered the United 
States Government, as Guide to the various Exploring Expedi- 
tions under John C. Fremont and others. By Charles Burdett. 
With six illustrations, izmo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF GEORGE WASHINGTON. 

By S. M. Smucker, LL.D., author of " The Life of Thomas 
Jefferson," "Life of Alexander Hamilton," etc., etc, i2mo., 
cloth, with Steel Portrait. Price $1.00. 

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HENRY CLAY. 

By S. M. Smucker, LL.D., author of the "Lives of Washington," 
"Jefferson," etc. 1 2mo., cloth, Steel Portrait. Price $1.00. 

LIFE OF ANDREW JACKSON. 

Containing an i\uthentic History of the Memorable Achievements 
of the American Army under General Jackson, before New 
Orleans. By Alexander Walker. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIFE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. 

By O. L. Holley. With Steel Portrait and six Illustrations, 
nmo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIVES OF THE SIGNERS OF THE DECLARATION OF 
AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE. 

By B. J. Lossing. Steel Frontispiece, and fifty portraits. i2mo., 
cloth. Price $1.00. 

LIFE OF CAPT. JOHN SMITH OF VIRGINIA. 
By W. Gillmore Simm3. Illustrated, izmo., cloth, Price, $1 00. 

THE THREE MRS. JUDSONS, 

The Female Missionaries. By Cecil B. Hartley. A new and 
carefully revised edition, with steel portraits. i2mo. Price, 
$1 00. 



4 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



INGRAHAM'S THREE GREAT WORKS. 



THE 

Prince of the House of David; 

Or, Three Years in the* Holy City. Being a series of the let- 
ters of Adina, a Jewess of Alexandria, supposed to be sojourning 
in Jerusalem in the days of Herod, addressed to her Father a 
wealthy Jew in Egypt, and relating, as if by an eye-witness, all 
the scenes and wonderful incidents in the life of Jesus of Naz- 
areth, from his Baptism in Jordan to his Crucifixion on Calvary. 
New edition, carefully revised and corrected by the author, 
Rev. J. H. Ingraham, LL.D., Rector of Christ Church, and 
St. Thomas' Hall, Holly Springs, Miss. With five splendid 
illustrations, one large i2mo., volume, cloth. Price, $i 25. 
Full Gilt sides and edges. Price $2.00. 
The same work in German. 12010., cloth. Price, $1.25. 

THE PILLAR OF FIRE; 

Or, Israel in Bondage. Being an account of the Wonderful 
Scenes in the Life of the Son of Pharaoh's Daughter, (Moses). 
Together with Picturesque Sketches of the Hebrews under their 
Task-masters. By Rev. J. H. Ingraham, LLD., author of the 
" Prince of the House of David." With steel Frontispiece. 
Large i2mo., cloth. Price, $1 25; the same work, full gilt 
sides and edges. Price, $2 00. 

THE THRONE OF DAVID; 

F^om the Consecration of the Shepherd of Bethlehem, to the Re- 
bellion of Prince Absalom. Being an illustration of the Splendor, 
Power and Dominion of the Reign of the Shepherd, Poet, 
Warrior, King and Prophet, Ancestor and type of Jesus, address- 
ed by an Assyrian Ambassador, resident at the Court of Jeru- 
salem, to his Lord and King on the Throne of Nineveh; where- 
in the magnificence of Assyria, as well as the magnificence of 
Judea, is presented to the reader as by an eye-witness. By the 
Rev. J. H. Ingraham, LL.D., Rector of Christ Church and 
St. Thomas' Hall, Holly Springs, Miss., author of the "Prince 
of the House of David" and the " Pillar of Fire." With five 
splendid illustrations. Large izmo., cloth. Price $1 25; the 
same work, full gilt sides and edges. Price, $2 00. 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



9 



The Sunny South ; 

OR, 

THE SOUTHERNER AT HOME. 

EMBRACING 

Five years' experience of a Northern Governess in the Land of the 
Sugar and the Cotton. Edited by Professor J. H. Ingraham, 
of Miss. Large i2mo., cloth. Price, $1 25. 



A BUDGET OF 

HUMOROUS POETRY, 

COMPRISING 

Specimens of the best and most Humorous Productions of the 
popular American and Foreign Poetical Writers of the day. 
By the author of the " Book of Anecdotes and Budget of 
Fun." One volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1 00. 



The World in a Pocket Book. 

BY 

WILLIAM H. CRUMP. 

NEW AND REVISED EDITION, BROUGHT DOWN TO 

i860. 

This work is a Compendium of Useful Knowledge and General 
Reference, dedicated to the Manufacturers, Farmers, Merchants, 
and Mechanics of the United States — to all, in short, with whom 
time is money — and whose business avocations render the acqui- 
sition of extensive and diversified information desirable, by the 
shortest possible road. This volume, it is hoped, will be found 
worthy of a place in every household — in every family. It 
may indeed be termed a library in itself. Large izmo. Price, 

$1 2$. 



10 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



. THE SPIRIT LAND. 
l2mo., cloth, with Mezzotint Engraving. Price $1.00. 

" These pages are submitted to the public with the counsel of the wisest 
and best of all ages, that amid the wiley arts of the Adversary, we should cling 
to the word of God, the Bible, as the only safe and infallible guide of Faith 
find Practice." 

THE MORNING STAR ; or, Symbols of Christ. 

By Re\ Wm. M. Thayer, author of " Hints for the Household," 
" Pastor's Holiday Gift," &c, &c. l2mo., cloth. Price $1.00 

" The symbolical parts of Scriptures are invested with peculiar attractions. 
A familiar acquaintance with them can scarcely fail to increase respect and 
love for the Bible." 

SWEET HOME ; or, Friendship's Golden Altar. 

By Frances C. Percival. Mezzotint Frontispiece, 1 2mo., cloth, 
gilt back and centre. Price $1.00. 

"The object of this book is to awaken the Memories of Home — to remind 
us of the old Scenes and old Times." 

THE DESERTED FAMILY ; 

Or, the Wanderings of an Outcast. By Paul Creyton. i 2mo., 
cloth. Price $1.00. 

"An interesting story, which might exert a good influence in softening the 
heart, warming the affections, and elevating the soul." 

ANNA CLAYTON; or, the Mother's Trial. 
A Tale of Real Life. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

" The principal characters in this tale are drawn from real life — imagina- 
tion cannot picture deeper shades of sadness, higher or more exquisite joys, 
than Truth has woven for us, in the Mother's Trial." 

" FASHIONABLE DISSIPATION." 

By Metta V. Fuller. Mezzotint Frontispiece, i2mo., bound in 
cloth, Price $1.00. 

THE OLD FARM HOUSE. 

By Mrs. Caroline H. Butler Laing, with six splendid Illustra- 
tions, izmo., cloth, Price $1.00. 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



2 I 



" TO THE PURE ALL THINGS ARE PURE." 

WOMAN AND HER DISEASES. 

From the Cradle to the Grave ; adapted exclusively to her instruc- 
tion in the Physiology of her system, and all the Diseases of her 
Critical Periods. By Edward H. Dixon, M.D. i2mo. Price 
$1.00. 

DR. LIVINGSTONE'S TRAVELS AND RESEARCHES 
OF SIXTEEN YEARS IN THE WILDS OF SOUTH 
AFRICA. 

One volume, nmo., cloth, fine edition, printed upon superior 
paper, with numerous illustrations. Price $1.25. Cheap edi- 
tion, price $1.00. 

This is a work of thrilling adrentures and hair-breadth escapes among 
savage beasts, and more savage men. Dr. Livingstone was alone, and unaid- 
ed by any white man, traveling only with African attendants, among different 
tribes and nations, all strange to him, and many of them hostile, and alto- 
gether forming the most astonishing book of travels the world has ever 
seen. All acknowledge it is the most readable book published. 

ANDERSSON'S EXPLORATIONS AND DISCOVERIES. 

Giving accounts of many 'Pilous Adventures, and Thrilling Inci- 
dents, during Four Years' Wanderings in the Wilds of South 
Western Africa. By C. J. Andersson, LL.D., F.R.S. With 
an Introductory Letter, by J. C. Fremont. One volume, i2mo., 
cloth. With Numerous Illustrations, representing Sporting 
Adventures, Subjects of Natural History, Devices for Destroy- 
ing Wild Animals, etc. Price $1.25. 

INDIA AND THE INDIAN MUTINY. 

Comprising a Complete History of Hindoostan, from the earlier 
times to the present day, with full particulars of the Recent 
Mutiny in Indk. Illustrated with numerous engravings. By 
Henry Frederick Malcom. This work has been gotten up 
with great care, and may be relied on as Complete and Accu- 
rate ; making one of the most Thrillingly Interesting books pub- 
lished. It contains illustrations of all the great Battles and 
Sieges, making a large izmo., volume of about 450 pages. 
Price $1.25. 



12 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



SEVEN YEARS IN THE WILDS OF SIBERIA, 

A Narrative of Seven Years' Explorations and Adventures m 
Oriental and Western Siberia, Mongolia, the Kir his Steppes, 
Chinese Tartary, and Part of Central Asia. By Thomas 
William Atkinson. With numerous Illustrations. i2mo., clcth, 
price $1.25. 

SIX YEARS IN NORTHERN AND CENTRAL AFRICA. 

Travels and Discoveries in North and Central Africa, being a 
Journal of an Expedition undertaken under the auspices of 
H. B. M.'s Government, in the years 1 849-1 855. By Henry 
Barth, Ph. D., D.C.L., Fellow of the Royal Geographical and 
Asiatic Societies, &c, &c. izmo., cloth, price $1.25. 

THREE VISITS TO MADAGASCAR 

During the years 1853, 1854, 1856, including a journey to the 
Capital ; with notices of the Natural History of the Country 
and of the present Civilization of the People, by the Rev. Wm. 
Ellis, F.H.S., author of "Polynesian Researches." Illustrated 
by engravings from photographs, &c. i2mo., cloth. $1.25. 

CAPT. COOK'S VOYAGES ROUND THE WORLD. 
One volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

BOOK OF ANECDOTES AND BUDGET OF FUN. 

Containing a collection of over One Thousand Laughable Sayings, 
Rich Jokes, etc. izmo., cloth, extra gilt back, $1.00. 

"Nothing is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of ths 
Jiuman system as a good hearty laugh." 

BOOK OF PLAYS FOR HOME AMUSEMENT. 

Being a collection of Original, Altered and well-selected Tragedies, 
Comedies, Dramas, Farces, Burlesques, Charades, Comic Lec- 
tures, etc. Carefully arranged and specially adapted for Private 
Representation, with full directions for Performance. By Silas 
S. Steele, Dramatist. One volume, 1 2ino., cloth. Price $1 .00. 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 1 3 



A HISTORY OF ITALY, 

AND THE WAR OF 1859. 

Giving the causes of the War, with Biographical Sketches of Sov- 
ereigns, Statesmen and Military Commanders ; Descriptions and 
Statistics of the Country ; with finely engraved Portraits of Louis 
Napoleon, Emperor of France Frances Joseph, Emperor of 
Austria ; Victor Emanuel, King of Sardinia, and Garribaldi, the 
Champion of Italian Freedom. Together with the official ac- 
counts of the Battles of Montebello, Palestro, Magenta, Maleg- 
nano, Solferino, etc., etc., and Maps of Italy, Austria, and ail 
the adjacent Countries, by 

MADAME JULIE DE MARGUERITTES. 

With an introduction by Dr. R. Shelton Mackenzie, one volume^ 
l2mo., cloth, price S1.25. 

From the New York Courier and Enquirer, 

M This is an able, interesting and lively account of the War and the circum- 
stances connected with it. The author's residence in Europe has given her 
facilities for preparing the volume which add much to its value. 

"Not only does she give a description of Italy in general, but of each Sov- 
ereignty, and State, showing the Extent, Resources, Power and Political sit- 
uation of each. Throughout the volume are found Anecdotes, Recollections, 
and even Ondits, which contribute to its interest." 

THE BOOK OF POPULAR SONGS. 

Being a compendium of the best Sentimental, Comic, Negro, Nation- 
al, Patriotic, Military, Naval, Social, Convivial, and Pathetic 
Ballads and Melodies, as sung by the most celebrated Opeia 
Singers, Negro Minstrels, and Comic Vocalists of the day. 

One volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1,00. 

THE AMERICAN PRACTICAL COOKERY BOOK; 

Or^ Housekeeping made easy, pleasant, and econmical in all its , 
departments. To which are added directions for setting out 
Tables, and giving Entertainments. Directions for Jointing, 
Trussing, and Carving, and many hundred new Receipts in 
Cookery and Housekeeping. With 50 engravings. 121DO,, 
cloth. Price $1.00. 



14 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



RECORDS OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR. 

Containing the Military and Financial Correspondence of distin- 
guished officers; names of the officers and privates of regiments, 
companies and corps, with the dates of their commissions and 
enlistments. General orders of Washington, Lee, and Green ; 
with a list of distinguished prisoners of war ; the time of their 
capture, exchange, etc. ; to which is added the half-pay acts of 
the Continental Congress ; the Revolutionary pension laws ; and 
a list of the officers of the Continental army who acquired ths 
right to half-pay, commutation, and lands, &c. By T. W. Saf- 
fell. Large 1 21110., $1.25. 

THE ROMANCE OF THE REVOLUTION. 

Being a history of the personal adventures, romantic incidents and 
exploits incidental to the War of Independence — with tinted 
illustrations. Large 1 zmo., $1.25. 

THE QUEEN'S FATE. 

A tale of the days of Herod. i 2mo., cloth, with Steel Illustra- 
tions. $1.00. 

" A recital of events, of an awe-arousing period, in a familiar and interest- 
ing manner," 

"LIVING AND LOVING." 

A collection of Sketches. By Miss Virginia F. Townsend. — ■ 
Large i2mo., with fine steel portrait of the author. Bound in 
cluth. Price 81.00. 

We might say many things in favor of this delightful publication, but we 
deem it unnecessary. Husbands should buy it for their wives : lovers should 
buy it for their sweet-hearts : friends should buy it for their friends. — Godey's 
Lady^s Book, 

WHILE IT WAS MORNING. 

By Virginia F. Townsend, author of " Living and Loving." 
nmo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

THE ANGEL VISITOR ; or, Voices of the Heart. 
I xmo.y cloth, with Mezzotint Engraving. Price $1.00. 
u The mission of this volume is to aid in doing good to those in affliction.* 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. C. EVANS. 



'5 



THE LADIES' HAND BOOK 

OF 

Fancy and Ornamental Needle-Work. 

COMPRISING 

Full directions with patterns for working in Embroidery, Applique, 
Braiding, Crochet, Knitting, Netting, Tatting, Quilting, Tam- 
bour aud Gobelin Tapestry, Broderie Anglaise, Guipure Work, 
Canvass Work, Worsted Work, Lace W ork, Bead Work, 
Stitching, Patch Work, Frivolite, &c. Illustrated with 262 
Engraved Patterns, taken from original designs. By Miss 
Florence Hartley. One volume, Quarto Cloth. Price, 
$1 25. 



The Ladies 5 Book of Etiauettc, 

AND 

MANUAL OF POLITENESS. 

A Hand Book for the use of Ladies in Polite Society. By 
Florence Hartley. i2mo., cloth. Price, §1 00. 



The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette, 

AND 

MANUAL OF POLITENESS. 



Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all his 
relations toward Society. By Cecil B. Hartley. i2mo. 
Price, $1 00. 



16 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



LECTURES FOR THE PEOPLE: 

BY THE 

Rev. H. STOWELL BROWN, 

Of the Myrtle Street Baptist Chapel, Liverpool, England, 

First Series, published under a special arrangement with the author. 
With a Biographical introduction by Dr. R. Shelton Mackenzie. 
With a splendidly engraved Steel Portrait. One vol., 414 pages. 
l2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

Hr„ Brown's lectures fill an important place, for which we have no other 
"book. The style is clear, the spirit is kind, the reasoning careful, and the 
argument conclusive. We are persuaded that this book will render more 
good than any book of sermons or lectures that have been published in this 
19th century. — Liverpool Mereury. 

THE HOME BOOK OF HEALTH AND MEDICINE; 

Or, The Laws and Means of Physical Culture, adapted to 
practical use. Embracing a treatise on Dyspepsia, Digestion, 
Breathing, Ventilation, Laws of the Skin, Consumption, how 
prevented; Clothing, Food, Exercise, Rest, &c. By W. A. 
Alcott, M. D. With 31 illustrations, Large i2mo. Price, 
$1.25. 

LIFE OF THE EMPRESS JOSEPHINE, 

First Wife of Napoleon I. Illustrated with Steel Portraits. *By 
J. T. Laurens, author of "Heroes and Patriots of the South." 
l2mo. cloth. Price, $1.00. 

LIVES OF THE HEROES OF THE AMERICAN 
REVOLUTION. 

Comprising the Lives of Washington and his Generals. The 
Declaration of Independence. The Constitution of the United 
States. The Inaugural, First Annual . and Farewell Addresses 
of Washington. With Portraits. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00 

COLUMBA; A Tale of Corsica. 

By Prosper Merimee. As a picture of Corsican life and manners, 
Columba is unequalled. In one handsome volume. Price $1.00 



\ 

LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 1 7 



LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF A PASTOR'S LIFE. 
By S. H. Elliott. One volume, izmo., cloth. Price $i.oo, 

" This is a well-written, highly instructive book. It is a story of the life- 
teachings, and life-trials of a good man, whose great aim was to elevate, 
morally and intellectually, his fellow-men. Like many of his nature and 
temperament, some of his views were Utopian. But his successes and 
failures, with the causes of these, are painted with a masterly hand. There 
is unusual strength and vitality in this volume." 

THREE PER CENT. A MONTH; 

Or, the Perils of Fast Living. A Warning to Young Men. 
By Chas. Burdett. One volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

"The style of this book is direct and effective, particularly fitting the 
impression which such a story should make. It is a very spirited and in- 
structive tale, leaving a good impression both upon the reader's sensibilitiei 
and morals." 

EVENINGS AT HOME; 

Or, Tales for the Fireside. By Jane C. Campbell. One 
volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

" We know of no book in the whole range of modern fictitious literature 
we would sooner select for a delightful and instructive companion." 

RURAL LIFE; 

Or, Prose and Poetry of the Woods and Fields. By Harry 
Penciller. One volume, cloth, i2mo. Price $1.00. 

" Beautiful landscapes, family scenes and conversations, rural sketches of 
woods and vales, of the beauties of verdant fields and fragrant flowers, of 
the music of birds and running brooks, all described in an original and un- 
studied manner, which cannot fail to delight every one whose character is 
imbued with a love of nature." 

JOYS AND SORROWS OF HOME; 

An Autobiography. By Anna Leland. One volume, i2mo., 
cloth. Price $1.00 

"This is one of the most beautiful domestio stories we have ever read, 
Intensely interesting, with a natural flow and easiness which leads the reader 
imperceptibly on to the close, and then leaves a regret that the tale is done." 

2* 



i8 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



BEAUTY OF WOMAN'S FAITH; 

A Tale of Southern Life. One volume, i2mo,, cloth. Price 
$i oo, 

(< This volume contains the story of a French Emigrant, who first escaped 
to England, and afterward settled on a plantation in Louisiana. It is charm- 
ingly told, and the strength and endurance of woman's faith well illustrated/' 

THE ORPHAN BOY; 

Or, Lights and Shadows of Northern Life. By Jeremy Loud. 
One volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

"This is a work illustrating the passions and pleasures, the trials and tri- 
umphs of common life,- it is well written and the interest is admirably sus- 
tained." 

THE ORPHAN GIRLS; 

A Tale of Life in the South. By James S. Peacock, M.D. 4 
of Mississippi. One volume, i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

"The style is fluent and unforced, the description of character well limned, 
and the pictures of scenery forcible and felicitous. There is a natural con- 
veyance of incidents to the denouement, and the reader closes the volume with 
an increased regard for the talent and spirit of tho author." 

NEW ENGLAND BOYS; 

Or, the Three Apprentices. By A. L. Stimson. One volume, 
i2mo., Cloth. Price $1 00. 

u This is a very agreeable book, written in a dashing independent style. The 
incidents are numerous and striking, the characters life-like, and the plot 
sufficiently captivating to enchain the reader's attention to the end of the 
volume." 

THE KING'S ADVOCATE; 

Or, the Adventures of a Witch Finder. One volume, i2mo., 
cloth. Price $1.00. 

"This is a book so thoroughly excellent, so exalted in its character, so full 
of exquisite pictures of society, and manifesting so much genius, skill, and 
knowledge of human nature, that no one can possibly read it without admit- 
ting it to be, in every way, a noble book. The story, too, is one of stirring 
interest; and it either sweeps you along with its powerful spell, or beguiles 
you with its tenderness, pathos and geniality." 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY O. G. EVANS. 



19 



SIBYL MONROE; or, THE FORGER'S DAUGHTER. 
By Martha Russell. One volume, izmo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

" It is a spirited, charming story, full of adventure, friendship and love, with 
characters nicely drawn and carefully discriminated. The clear style and 
spirit with which the story is presented and the characters developed, will 
attract a large constituency to the perusal." 

THE OPEN BIBLE; 

As shown in the History of Christianity, from the time of our 
Saviour to the Present Day. By Vincent W. Millner. With 
a view of the latest developments of Rome's hostility to the 
Bible, as exhibited in the Sandwich Islands, in Tuscany, in 
Ireland, France, &o, and an expose of the absurdities of the 
Immaculate Conception, and the Idolatrous Veneration of the 
Virgin Mary. By Rev. Joseph F. Berg, D. D., author of 
"The Jesuits," "Church and State," &c, &c. Illustrated with 
numerous Engravings. i2mo., cloth, gilt back. Price $1.00. 

LIFE OF CHRIST AND HIS APOSTLES. 

By the Rev* John Fleetwood. With a History of the Jews, from 
the Earliest Period to the Present Time. Large i2mo., bound 
in Cloth. Illustrated. Price $1.00. 

Octavo edition, with steel engravings. Turkey Antique, $3.50. 

BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS. 

Including, " Grace abounding to the Chief of Sinners." Large 
1 2mo., 500 pages. Cloth. Beautifully Illustrated. Price$i.oo. 
Octavo edition, with steel engravings. Turkey Antique, $3.50. 

SCRIPTURE EMBLEMS AND ALLEGORIES. 

Being a series of Emblematic Engravings, with explanations and 
religious reflections, designed to illustrate Divine Truth. By 
Rev, W. Holmes. i2mo., cloth. Price $1.25. 

HOME MEMORIES 
Or, Social half hours with the Household. 

Octavo, 400 pages. Illustrated with fine steeJ plates. Cloth, 
Price $2.00. Turkey Antique, $3.50. 



20 



LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED BY G. G. EVANS. 



EVANS' POPULAR SPEAKER, 

Lyceum and School Exhibition Declaimer. 

Comprising a Treatise on Elocution and Gesture, with Illustrations, 
and a choice collection of pieces in Prose and Verse, and selec 
Dialogues, specially adapted for School and Lyceum Exhibitions, 
and Private Representations. X2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

PANORAMA OF THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW; 

Comprising a view of the present state of the Nations of the World, 
their Names, Customs and Peculiarities, and their Political, 
Moral, Social and Industrial Condition. Interspersed with 
Historical Sketches and Anecdotes. By William Pinnock, 
author of the Histories of England, Greece and Rome. Enlarged, 
revised and embellished with several hundred Engravings, 
including twenty-four finely colored Plates, from designs by 
Croome, Devereux, and other distinguished artists. In one vol. 
Octavo, over 600 pages, bound in embossed morocco, gilt back. 
Price $2.75. 

THRILLING INCIDENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY. 

Being a selection of the most important and interesting events which 
have transpired since the discovery of America to the present 
time. Compiled from the most approved authorities, new edition 
enlarged. Splendidly illustrated, i2mo., cloth. Price $1.00. 

THE HOLY LAND, AND EGYPT, ARABIA PETRiEA, &c. 

Travels in Egypt, Arabia Petrasa, and the Holy Land. By D. 
Millard. A new and improved edition. Illustrated. 1 2mo., 
cloth, Price $1.00. 

HUNTING SCENES IN THE WILDS OF AFRICA. 

Comprising the Thrilling Adventures of Cumming, Harris, and 
other daring Hunters of Lions, Elephants, Giraffes, Buffaloes, 
and other Animals. With Illustrations. l2mo., cloth. Gilt 
back. Price $i.oo. 



